Grief and Joy

The deeper I go into grief, the more important it becomes to track down joy. The more willing I am to look at hard places, the more I need to go be in Beautiful heart spaces. Nature is my super Charger battery, and all of the elements in nature are my friends. Usually I go to these places alone, but I also jump on the opportunity of going with tribe. My connection with nature is a super power, and there are many…many others like me out there. Yesterday, I got to play with a nature sister in one of our favorite spots in Big Sur. It’s funny, because I am much more connected to the creatures when I hike alone, but it’s non stop heart talk when we hike together. A deep, rich, real connection with one of my own species, is also medicine. So love it. When embracing grief, alone time is completely essential, but connection with like minded souls also lifts the load quickly and with ease.

*I unhooked for a set period of time, a three day media fast.*

I have unhooked from media coverage for a few days. I don’t even have a television in my home and haven’t for well over a decade but since the Israel/Hamas/US war, I have been tracking things through the news semi constantly on my computer. There is this false premise that if I’m not watching what is happening it will get worse. It is a trauma brain belief. So, I unhooked for a set period of time, a three day media fast. My hike was on day two, yesterday. What prompted the choice to unhook was seeing/reading that President Biden had approved another weapons transfer to Israel, including 2,000 bombs. I knew I had to step back and renew my Spirit rather than get lost in upset.

While I temporarily unhooked from consuming news, I didn’t unhook from the energetic awareness of what is going on. So our power hike, became a power down load at the same time. For my friend it was an opportunity to learn very quickly from my perspective having been in the region, and for me it was releasing the pressure of carrying that awareness alone. The last time we had hiked together was before October 7. So since that time, over 32,000 Palestinians have died (70% women and children) and 136 Israeli hostages are still being held in Gaza now. The awareness is ever present. We talked about how the Holocaust happened, and it was possible because people collectively looked away from the horror at that time. We talked about cyclical violence and trauma. We talked about denial, and about how we are like frogs in the pot with the temperature elevating but ignoring it. We also drank in the beauty surrounding us, and saw how lucky we are to catch each other at a time we could escape into this beauty for a few hours. Friends on the path, holding the awareness of suffering and joy together while sharing our ways of transforming suffering. Nature is a way for us both.

*Friends on the path, holding the awareness of suffering and joy together…*

My friend had to go to a work commitment, while I had time to meander. So we agreed to part ways as we started to descend. She was going to run back, and I was going to sing back. Singing to the ones suffering, singing to the beauty all around me, just singing for the joy of song. It’s a way for me to radiate love and lift my Spirit.

There is no faster way out of the mind and into the heart than song. So, out came song as I descended the rest of the way alone. Of course, I’m never alone, but you know what I mean. Before the war, I packed my Mesa on these outings, my medicine bundle of favorite stones. But lately, it’s been ‘good enough’ just to get my butt out in nature. In the past I would take the time to soak my stones in the water and sing to the creek. Lately, it’s an adventure enough to see if I can still hike and I only carry my blessing stick and camera.

Since the rains, this Big Sur hike has several higher than normal river crossings on the way back out. So I was like a happy little kid finding ways over the stream with stones and a wood bridge left by previous hikers. On one such crossing I went down to the big boulders I so love and leaned over. Out fell my iphone into the stream. Oooops. It was the faster moving part of the stream so it was cloudy. A couple who I had seen earlier were passing back by and the woman seemed concerned. I wasn’t. In my mind I immediately went to…’well I could lose my contacts but I can replace them. I could lose the phone but I can replace it. If I were in Gaza…I would not be able to do those things so easily, if at all.’ She asked if I needed help crossing the stream, “No-no, I’m going into the stream.” She still seemed concerned, “This is not a big deal, I could be in Gaza. But thank you for your concern.” She let go and went about her hike and I got down in the freezing cold water with my blessing stick, a huge grin, and my bare feet…playing lets find the hiding iphone. My pants were wet well past the knee and I had no idea if I’d find it. But I was so-so-so alive, and so happy. So much for I don’t have time to soak my feet in the river, I had time to soak my whole being in that cold, beautiful water. I climbed out with the biggest grin ever, and with an iphone.

*Grief and Joy flow like a stream, in this collective dream.*

I’m happy to report, that the phone is indeed water resistent. It is the second time in a few years that my phone has fallen into this same spot and both times I was amazed to see it recover. The joy of cold water, the joy of tall trees, the joy of companionship and the joy of sending love and prayers in all directions embrace grief. Bring relief to grief. I honor both, I smile to both…they are both friends. Grief and Joy flow like a stream, in this collective dream.

The Gift of a Lazy Day

*There is no money that can substitute for cuddle time between fur babies.*

In a lot of cultures, including mine…”lazy” is a dirty word. If you are lazy, you might end up in the street living in a cardboard box. My culture taught me the more I do, the more valuable human I am. The less I do, the more worthless. My lists are ever present. But fortunately so is the wisdom of Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh, who first introduced me to the concept of Lazy Day.

Lazy Days are actually part of spiritual practice. I can remember Thay (Thich Nhat Hanh) saying at a retreat to ask someone, “are you being lazy enough, friend?” He knew the habit of staying in action was strong in all of us. Even though I have not been to a retreat in that lineage in a few years, the practice of Lazy Day has been with me for decades now. It is an anti dote to the inner task master’s voice that still says, ‘yeah, but you’re a ______, if you are not being productive.’ Yadda, yadda goes the mind embedded in it’s own cultural script.

The truth is that some of my most fulfilling and nurturing days are Lazy Days where I can completely unhook and just allow myself to be. There is no money that can substitute for cuddle time between fur babies or with furry friends. I am a healer and am in other people’s energy fields all of the time. It can be depleting. So, blocking a day to come home and let down is part of what has me be able to come back to be in service again. But my mind still fights it and judges it. I smile to the mind, give it a gentle wink. “Ya know, like it or not, I ain’t doing squat today!”

Lazy Days are particularly essential when dense or difficult things are happening. Healthy, big trees are being cut very close to where I live. It hurts my heart. Some project is being done to expand the road and tree after tree after tree is being ripped out of the soil. For beings who connect with trees, who love them, that is hard to see. Then there is Gaza, and the shame and helpless feeling that my country is part of causing vast devastation there. There is grief that my species is still capable of such atrocities. So there is resting also from looking outside my own home for the day.

To come back inside and let go of the outer world is part of Lazy Day practice. I can see how addicted I have become to electronics when I pull off them for a while. But a deeper restoration occurs when I unplug. Unplug from the cultural programming, unplug from media, unplug from being a doo doo machine. In my home, there is harmony, quiet, and beauty. Instead of fighting like cats and dogs, there is playing like brothers and then napping with blankets and sunshine. The gift of companionship with furry friends I love is a treasure, I try not to take it for granted.

*The gift of companionship with furry friends I love is a treasure…*

I guess it is easier for me to take a Lazy Day most weeks now because I have seen that I actually don’t end up living in a cardboard box on the street from being lazy for a day. My body feels exhausted after a work week of massage and that makes the practice pretty easy to let in. And if there is physical pain, like there has been in my hip for the last three days…laziness becomes all the more sublime. It is the day after a Lazy Day that I really see the gold.

The day after a Lazy Day, I have more energy. I have more focus, and I am more fresh. For empaths on the planet right now, this is an intense time. Self care is a gift not only for ourselves but those we interact with. It helps us cultivate resilience and long term stamina. Last but not least, it is plain joyful. If you have never tried it, I highly recommend a Lazy day, guilt free.

Friends on the Path

*…when I see her it’s like seeing an old friend.*

The best thing about getting out in nature, is I don’t know what friends I will meet. Last week, it was Coyote who I love. It is fun to see her in different parts of my walk, and when I see her it’s like seeing an old friend. But animal that she is, sometimes she is happy to be seen, and sometimes prefers to see me from a hidden place. Yet, always curious. I have to admit that I have grown attached to seeing Coyote out and about. But today there were other friends on the trail. It was a spring day with many feathered friends present.

Have you ever learned a second language and then realized that you’ve gotten a little rusty from not speaking or hearing it? Today I found that to be the case with California Scrub Jay, my blue bird friend. This one has quite the call…like, “HEY, I”m talking to you!” But I’d forgotten it. I love hearing the songs of different birds and starting to learn their languages. But just like any language, if I don’t practice…I can forget. Easy enough to spring into songbird refresher class. Just walk outside, and it’s free without an app.

I also notice that sometimes I’ll see the same animal multiple times during the walk. Today it was the Scrub Jay, but it was also a huge hawk morning. Oh my. They are in the air, hawk love is in the air! This is another language I’m familiar with, it is more like a screech and they definitely talk with each other. Mindful walking and photography don’t always mix, especially when I don’t really know how to use my camera that well. But, such is life. The great thing about today is the bird folk were quite generous in giving me tons of different chances to witness and photograph them. After all practice makes practice.

*I learn their ease of flight comes from catching the current.*

These hawks are plentiful out on Fort Ord, this morning they put on their own airshow. Watching them, I learn their ease of flight comes from catching the current. So easy. No big flapping action. I also learn they use the current to rise high, or go lower. One could be soaring way up in the sky and another a hundred feet or more lower and then they can traverse the currents to come together at the same level. Lot of wisdom in that. The hawks can be noisy when they are calling to each other. Like everyone, they have their own language.

There are however, the more silent type cruising the skies as well. I was tracking hawk above my head when I ran into Turkey Vulture. I love Turkey Vulture, who is an ally in bridging the worlds. Hawk led me not to one Turkey Vulture, but five were circling right above me without me even knowing it because I was watching the Hawks dance. Like hawk, Vulture catches the currents. Funny how all the birds have different songs, sounds, calls, and patterns. Like the different ways people have in their people communities. I learn from all of them and enjoy coming home with tails to tell of the friends I met on the path.

*enjoy coming home with tails to tell of the friends I met on the path.*

Come Home, My Dear

I always know when I am off in some other land because I forget to fill the birdbath and bless the water for all of the birdie friends. It is a small sign that I am not fully home, when the birdbath gets all of the way empty for a day or two. Because I love the birds and nature beings so a grounding ritual for me is to clean the birdbath, wash the rocks, and bless the water…daily. So when “Meh!” rises around keeping my practices, whether it be getting up early to meditate, or to take the time and effort to bless the water…I am at least a wee bit off. All there is to do, is to gently notice I am far away from home in my mind, maybe even my heart and come back.

To come home is to come back to this present moment and give myself the gift of being awake to all the blessings in the here and now. To let in the good, it takes coming back to live in the now rather than be lost in thoughts of war and my country’s role in it. So today I got off my butt and cleaned the birdbath, cleaned the rocks, and blessed the water for the feathered ones and whoever else needs water. Then I went down to Big Sur, which is also home. If I were to know I was going to die soon, I would get my butt outside. All of the time. The magic is outside, not in my head and looping thoughts. The magic is nature.

If I thought I was going to live forever, an auto pilot asleep way of living…I could easily get lost forever in cleaning the toilet and doing laundry. As much as I talk about nature, it is easy to put off the things that fill my cup the most. With hiking Big Sur, my mind can say…”not sure you are in good enough shape to do that any more…” So the mind goes, always cheering us on. But coming out of the mind and into the reality of now, there is just this one step. One step at a time. I have found my mind often underestimates, procrastinates, and in general can wreak havoc on enjoying the ride of life, and death.

The first friend I met on the trail today was snake. She/he/they were not taking a nap, but were sprawled across the trail and had absolutely no interest in slithering across to make my passage easier. I greet snake like I would any being. I asked and I did have permission to pass. But I hung out for a while. I think snake was living his/her/their best life. It is so easy for animals just to be. Usually snake keeps moving along when I come across one on the trail. This one, not so much. One thing my mind doesn’t do, is fear animals, not even snake.

*I think snake was living his/her/their best life.*

The last time I came down to Sobrannes to hike, I actually laid down and cried on the land instead. Found a little nook to veer off and let the sorrow of what is happening in Gaza pass out of my body and into this beautiful earth. I trust Mother Earth to compost that grief. On that day I actually did not have the energy to hike. But today, a new day. And what a beautiful day it was. So, green in every direction. Purple Lupine starting to bloom, it even smelled like spring. So coming home, is coming back to Mother Earth. Today the secret was like the rest of life, take one step at a time and go my own pace.

…*take one step at a time and go my own pace.*

To be writing again, to be hiking again, to be cleaning the birdbath and making sure the water is full for the birdies…this is coming home. It doesn’t mean I can’t still be paying attention and taking action on things that are far away from home…but coming home makes all those things more stable. I’ve learned the hard way in the past.

During the front end of Covid, I was so focused on radiating light to hospitals, staff, and patients dying alone, that I failed to notice my kitten had a health issue. Sometimes my energy and awareness is drawn to Big Ass challenges…then I miss what is right in front of me; the little gifts and the challenges right at home. Chestnut’s spirit was way to big for that little kitten body anyways, but he was a teacher for me in waking up to the present moment and coming home. Now with what is happening in Gaza, where I feel sometimes not even in my body, I am remembering the lesson of Chestnuts’ death. Don’t miss the present moment, don’t miss the love that is at home. Goofball that he was, he lives on in spirit. And he is a teacher.

*Goofball that he was, he lives on in spirit.*

Embracing the Reactive Mind

*…I asked how many more trees they are going to cut?*

I think it is just kind of a human being thing to think I am right and you are wrong if there was ever a question of who is right. That is not something usually consciously observed, but pulling it out of the shadows is a powerful tool for moving back into the heart/mind of love. It’s easier to see when someone is making me wrong than when I am making someone or something out there wrong. Let’s meet both with some compassion and kindness.

I was driving in my hood on a day of chores and out of the corner of my eye saw a big, healthy, beautiful tree being taken down with excavation equipment. Without thought, I rolled down my window and yelled out my window, “What the F*** are you doing?” As I kept driving I saw the guy looking after me, like…what did she just say? I’m not proud of it, I know it was a complete and total reaction to what looked like (my interpretation) violence towards a healthy tree…with many more trees in line as they completely cleared a LOT of trees. So, noticing that it was the Reactive Mind at work that had me shout out my window, I took myself away for a bit. So that I would not be confronted continuously with the sawing down and excavation of healthy pine trees. Being away allowed me to water the seeds of joy and come back more neutral.

*Being away allowed me to water the seeds of joy and come back more neutral.*

The fact is that they are widening the street around where I live, and many trees that were here a week ago, and here for decades before that, are now gone. Being the earth lover that I am, that hurts. I love the birds, the trees, all things of nature and I am a bit of a warrior for the earth and animals as well. But there is the reactive mind, and then there is the mind of love. Like the war in Gaza, which is always with me, my shouting out the window is not going to stop the tree people from being cut to make room for another lane of road. I know that. Infact, it may even be the war in Gaza that had me experience that moment of yelling HELL NO! I am often not upset about what I think I am upset about. Or maybe I was upset about all of it.

Being upset is like a cloud in the sky, it passes through the sky. Then what? As I continue to live in the same place (I did think of moving…Reactive Mind again), I noticed more smaller trees marked with an ‘x’. A sense of dread entered but I didn’t focus on it. As I was driving home yesterday, I slowed down again and rolled my window down. This time I didn’t yell, I asked the guy if they are going to cut these trees too. He didn’t speak English. I started speaking in Spanish. Yes, they are going to cut these smaller trees too. I knew I could not stop that, what I did next was tap my heart and say I love the trees. I told him you can’t just cut the trees, do a prayer saying thank you before cutting the tree . I”m not very fluent in Spanish, I asked if he understood. He said yes. Five minutes later, five trees were cut down. All I could do is trust he heard my heart. I can’t take this man’s livelihood, it is not this man’s fault…it is shifting consciousness to see all living beings are connected and are living beings. Including Palestinian children.

So today, there is not even the stumps of those five trees, and today they came back for the other trees marked with an x. I am a writer, I am a photographer and I am an earth guardian. I walked back out there today, I asked how many more trees they are going to cut today? “Two.” I know these trees, I know the hummingbirds love these trees because I walk in this neighborhood daily. I asked this man’s name, it was the same man as yesterday but with a hard hat and sunglasses I wasn’t sure. He said yes, we talked yesterday. My energy was completely different than the first time I was yelling out the window when I saw the big pine being torn down.

I asked Winston if he remembers what I said, and he taught me new words in Spanish which I later looked up, “el perdon”. It means ‘forgiveness.’ So by opening my heart and coming to a place of communion with the tree and the guy who is cutting it…we connected. I feel so raw with what is happening in Gaza, that every day I don’t know when I will cry. But building walls around my heart and condemning is not the way of love. I told him I love Mother Earth tapping my heart again, “Madre.” I asked if he has a connection with the earth, he shrugged. I’ve had similar conversations with the guys who drop poison into the holes to kill the ground animals in my neighborhood. We talk. I asked him to say thank you yesterday before cutting the trees and today he shared the word for forgiveness. We make it visible. I invited him to make the process conscious, and include prayer and he accepted. I didn’t blame him or tell him to stop, I didn’t tell him he is bad for doing what he is paid to do. That is what can happen when I calm the Reactive Mind and come back into my heart. Coming out of blame, moving away from I”m right and you are wrong into let’s explore this together. But coming out of Reactive Mind is now a practice for me, like saying a prayer for the tree before I believe has become Winston’s practice.

Another example of my Reactive Mind is when I was walking out on Fort Ord last week. I think of that land as ‘my’ land. You know how humans get with Me and Mine. I am human, I get that way too. Walking trails on Fort Ord after a long day, is a soothing balm for my soul. I take my wildlife lens with me and I walk quietly, gently and listen for connections with the wild friends. But the other day, for the second time in a row…there were tons and tons of young mountain bikers out there on what they created on MY trails to be a race route loop. I felt irritation rise. Anger. This is my respite, and I can’t have my respite now…for the second time in a row. I saw the auto patterning of my human mind that what I want is more important than what you want. Why can’t you see that? Again, I’m not always upset about what it seems I’m upset about. Fighting over land in the West Bank, taking land away from Palestinians in the West Bank is happening right now. But I digress.

Last time, I just complained to my brother that there is a ton of mountain bikers on My trails today. This time, I spoke up. I asked the guy who was older and resting at the edge of a trail how many more times they are going to be out there. I lamented I had walked these trails for decades (sob story) and haven’t seen so many bikers. He said they shouldn’t be back for a while. It was a youth league of high-school bikers from out of area. “But it’s good for the kids, right?” He said, trying to get me to soften. It didn’t work, I was still pissed off.

I started walking to my car, a disgruntled humanoid not getting her way. I paused at the crest of the trail and watched the mountain bikers zoom by. One kid shouted, ‘Hey, are you with (I don’t remember what brand) out to photograph the bikers?’ “No, I’m a wild life photographer and I’m here for the animals,” I replied. But, I couldn’t help but soften and smile. The kiddo, wanting me to photograph the kiddos. I knew I would write a blog about it, about how irritation can arise when I don’t get my way. Another expression of the Reactive Mind. Even naming the Reactive Mind does help me soften, and realize this can be a deep practice. It does help me know we can share this land. I know where my animal friends are, we will connect again.

*I know where my animal friends are, we will connect again.*

Stop Sending Weapons

*Stop bombing and starving Palestinian children with U.S. weapons.*

As children continue to starve in Gaza, and now people are dying of dehydration and lack of clean water…today Palestinian civilians were also killed by well intended food drops by the international community when parachutes did not deploy and the aid kits landed on civilians, killing them. It took me months before I wrote at all after this war broke out, other than writing letters to people in my own government, but there has not been one day, not one…that I have not felt it. My country is supplying the weapons, after all of the words…after all of the warnings, after all of the expressions of concern about excessive civilian casualties, my country is still supplying offensive weapons to Israel, only now a famine is unfolding. A man made, intentionally created famine to punish Hamas and get hostages released. About 130 hostages may still be alive in Gaza, over 30,000 Palestinians have been killed, over 70,000 maimed with no fully functioning hospitals. Almost 2 million have been forced out of their homes and most of their homes have been completely or partially destroyed. What does war look like? It looks like not being able to see anyone else’s suffering but your own, and using that suffering to justify 22,000 bombs in 6 weeks, supplied by the United States government.

My first letter to state Senator Padilla opened with a quote from Ghandi , “An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind.” The horrors of October 7 not only surprised Israeli military, but was a complete heartbreak for or us that saw the killing of innocent civilians unfold, and the taking of Israeli hostages. In every letter I have sent I have condemned those actions. As did my Senator, my Congressman, my President, anyone I wrote to, included that in their response to me. But the thing that has not been named as a war crime by those same individuals is intentionally starving Palestinian children, and the rest of the population in Gaza. Or intentionally destroying as much infrastructure as possible, including sources of clean water and crops as well as desecrating cemeteries. So I’m naming it. Stop bombing and starving Palestinian children with U.S. weapons.

I feel a responsibility to not become too anesthetized to the suffering that my country’s weapons and policies are co-creating. As convenient as it is to blame everything on Hamas, that is not what I see. I take breaks, I need breaks from seeing the insanity play out, but I will continue to be a voice. As millions of others speak up for peace from all over the world. There is no way to bomb your way into peaceful co-existence. Or starve your way into safety.

As bombs fall in Gaza, it is easy for me to go to Starbucks in this country and get a latte. As food fails to get into Gaza, it is easy for me to go to Trader Joe’s and fill my cart with junk food and good food. Unlike the hostages and their families, unlike the nearly 2 million displaced Palestinians, my lifestyle has not been that interrupted. It is only my heart that has been breaking. When my state representatives can’t even speak up about people being killed in a line to get food aid…I start to get numb. Breaks are important, but I will not stop speaking up, not from hatred but from a continual call to come back to the better parts of our collective humanity. I will also not stop doing my own inner shadow work, and look for where I am at war and who I make into ‘the other.’

While Israeli settlers block food aid in protests, I wonder if the hostages are likely also experiencing bombardment and lack of food? It’s like the human being machinery of taking revenge, hitting back is so innate…so old…so destructive. If we can catch it in ourselves over little things, this is a step towards world peace. Who really knows if I was walking in Hamas shoes, or I was walking in IDF shoes, or I was walking in an Israeli hostage family member shoes, if I would do things differently than what they have done? I would like to think I would not take vengeance and I would not dehumanize the other to the point that I am justifying collective starvation of children, but who knows what I would do. None of us knows until we are in those shoes.

But in my shoes, I am an American citizen who sees the direct connection between U.S supplied weapons and the collective starvation of Palestinian children, displacement of almost 2 million people, killing and maiming of innocents. So in my shoes, the best I can do today is to name the hypocrisy of telling Israel to stop killing civilians, while simultaneously providing the bombs, tanks, etc they use to do so. Stop sending weapons to Israel, other than defensive iron dome systems. NAME WAR CRIMES ON BOTH SIDES! So now, it’s time to walk in nature and sink into the heart of the earth. This beautiful earth that is 4.6 billion years old, and has seen humans come and go. May I receive her grace, equanimity and her generous love to radiate out to the children suffering right now in war.

*May I receive her grace, equanimity and her generous love to radiate out to the children suffering right now in war.*

This Little Light of Mine…

*I see suffering in some of my animal friends…*

Daring to unplug from the drug of media for a few days, I come back to the tender heart of the child and real eyes that sometimes the biggest medicine comes from five year old Trish. Adult me, has become addicted since the war in Gaza, to knowing what is happening. It’s as if “knowing what is happening” gets confused with impacting things for the better. Or it may be motivated by trauma; the fear of what is going to happen next if I look away, or if I don’t write my letters, make my calls, do my prayers, check the news. It’s as if the five year old is trying to keep something from falling apart that actually has already fallen apart.

“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.” That song has been playing in my chest for the last two days as the child remembers love. It is not that I am not aware of suffering, I see suffering in some of my animal friends, I see tree people being taken without any respect to the trees or the birds living in the trees to widen a road…I know what is happening in Gaza. It’s not enough to be aware of suffering, it is to come home to my own innocent and pure child’s heart and let that child help me emanate love.

*So I trust my guidance to go to nature and restore my soul*

For the child within me to emanate light and love, she also needs to know she is cared for. If the child in me were to abandon me because I have become lost in grief, hatred or anger…how could I emanate love to those who are suffering? It starts within and radiates out. It is the children that will lead us, if we can remember to care for the children so they have a chance to thrive. That starts with the child of your own heart and feeding that child.

When I was little, I’d get down on the ground on all fours and pretend to be a cat. In my ‘cat-ness’ there was just sheer joy. I could speak cat, I could feel cat, and it was as real as any human talk. The connection was the joy. The loving connection. That loving connection is the direction I am sending my heart right now. But it took unplugging for a bit from the drug of the massive suffering covered in the media to remember I get to direct my heart where I want it to go from love.

*This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…*

The shiniest people I have met in this lifetime are people who have been through massive suffering at some point in their lives. As a dear Palestinian Sufi told me two decades ago, “I cannot hate anybody!” This was not because there were no reasons for rage, hatred or enmity. This was a heart choice to feed the love of God and be a light. In his words, “I am like the sun, shining love on everyone…without discrimination.” He was that, it was not just words.

So I trust my guidance to go to nature and restore my soul, as many times as it takes. I trust that little kid in me, once fed, can shine her light all the way around the world, including to my immediate surroundings. It just takes unlearning the way of the adult that is so invested in self righteous anger and the need to fix. It takes meeting that feeling of guilt or helplessness with loving kindness. It takes redirecting my attention to beings who open my heart naturally, and starting from there. I remember not to pity people I know are suffering, which is a low vibration, but to trust the light of love and hold those who are struggling in their own strength, resilience, and sacredness. When I forget and get seduced into anger and reactivity, I remind myself to shine light. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

*It takes redirecting my attention to beings who open my heart naturally, and starting from there.*

Do You Have a Happy Place?

“Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds sing.” I always know when it is time to go to a happy place, and sometimes I know when it’s time to stay for a while in a happy place. After all, life is not just about grief and war. I am blessed to have happy places five minutes from my doorstep, and twenty five minutes from my doorstep. I cherish them, and they bring me back to life when I feel grey, drab or half dead. Of course when I wake up to the moment, any place can be a happy place. Some places just have a lil extra stardust in them.

Fort Ord National Monument is a big ole chunk of land and one trail head is very close to my home. Over the years I have befriended the land and those who live there. It makes me smile to know that this place USED to be where people trained for war but now it is protected land for all to enjoy. I find bullets out there all of the time. It is a reminder of the power of impermanence…things can change, for the better….so don’t give up.

I usually hear the Hummer before I see her. There are many Hummers out there, hummingbirds hang out in the same areas. I know their language. I love to learn the different languages of feathered ones on my land. Today Hummer was particularly generous. First it was like, “can you find me?” Once I found her, it was…’great I am going to show you more of me.’

You know how people can reveal more of themselves to certain people? Or they may show more of themselves under the right conditions? Well today there was the right conditions for Hummingbird to reveal her beauty. We hung out for some time, and I got to see how different her colors look as she turned in different directions in the sun.

*Well today there was the right conditions for Hummingbird to reveal her beauty.*

So my first happy place stop started with Hummingbird connection. And I learned something new from Hummer…she leans into her song. Like for real. She leans into her song. And if you watch her closely, there is some fierce focus going on there in lil Hummer. Even though she is pink and all, I would not mess with her while she is singing her song. It always makes me happy to learn something new about a friend. And today I did. Her little body moved another half inch off the branch…Belt it out there lil Hummer! You go girl!

I must say that the mystery of nature is the happiest, happy place for me. I never know who exactly I am going to meet. But once I meet the same folks often enough, they gently become friends. That can happen with trees, it can happen with birds, and it can happen with people you just smile at. Right now, I particularly like connecting with Coyote. Sometimes she sees me before I see her, sometimes I see her before she sees me. Either way, we do paws, we both are just curious about each other. Love that.

*…we both are just curious about each other.*

I always ask permission when with an animal. I don’t just track it down, it is a dance. An energetic dance. My camera is a way to kiss the beauty of the being in front of me. But the energetic connection is actually more important. That is what starts cultivating the relationship, which means more to me than a picture. So part of enjoying my happy place, is honoring the beauty and the connections along the way with the camera. Then I can let the beauty and connections ripple out further.

Different types of beauty come with different places. For example, right now I am staying one night at Asilomar…my Staycation Vocation. I love this place because I meet more friends. It’s a different neighborhood so there are different species of friends. This place has lots of deer. So in the morning I am out connecting with them. Tomorrow I plan on meeting the local pack of buck. But these doe…a deer…a female deer, just make me smile. Part of the happy theme.

*But these doe…a deer…a female deer, just make me smile.*

I am super blessed to live in such a beautiful place. I’ve watched shows on wildlife photography where people fly for a day just to get to some far away place to try and photograph some animals. My desire is to connect with nature and the animals will find me. I don’t have to travel at all, well 25 minutes. Mainly, I just have to remember to prioritize joy. Because when I prioritize joy, I get my a** out in nature. Everyone who knows themselves, must know what waters the seeds of joy in themselves. Don’t forget to water those seeds. For copilot, blankets are his happy place…to each his own.

*For copilot, blankets are his happy place…to each his own.*

Tending my Broken Heart

*And other friends on the path, find me.*

When the world of humans seems to be spiraling in dark and heavy ways; I take my broken heart onto the land and let my feet kiss the earth. There, with head bent down, I feel the connection between my feet and Mother Earth while bringing my breath all the way down into my belly. Pulling my awareness back into my body and this present moment, I feel lighter, I feel free. And other friends on the path, find me.

I am re-igniting this blog as another form of good medicine, because perhaps some others will take solace in what I share. Or perhaps it will plant seeds of inquiry for heart/minds that are ready. The Israel-Hamas war, that immediately moved into the American/Israel-Palestinian war was a catalyst for a life review for me. No I am not Jewish, not Muslim, not Palestinian, not Israeli…no I am not a terrorist, no I”m not related to a hostage. I am just a human being who is willing to honor and name the losses. One who is grieving while longing for a just peace.

I condemn the acts of terror committed by Hamas on October 7, and I also condemn the response of collective punishment against Palestinians using over 22,000 bombs in just the first six weeks to destroy not just Hamas but Palestinian homes and infrastructure in Gaza, displacing almost 2 million human beings into tents or make shift shelter. However, my experience of condemning others’ actions, is that it merely is the top layer…we are called at this pivotal time to go much deeper.

Going deeper involves looking in the mirror, if we have the courage to go there. For example, where do I say things that I don’t really mean…over and over? Where do I feel my safety is far, far more important than yours? Where do I “OTHER” upon groups or individuals in a way where I feel superior or entitled? There is an energetic field swirling now of polar opposites, and the fire of demonization continues to burn, so looking in the mirror is an act of courage.

When hearing American politicians…after first rightly condemning the acts of Hamas from October 7, say that it is important to protect Palestinian civilian lives and abide by international law…month after month while supplying more weapons to Israel who continues to bomb Palestinian civilians…a volcano of wrath rose within me. If I had not participated in Compassionate Listening citizen delegations in this region, if I did not care about the people in this region, perhaps I would stay numb or blind. But I sat with Palestinians and Israelis on two separate citizen delegations twenty+ years ago, and I saw the facts on the ground that very few citizens here have witnessed and things have only worsened since I was there. My life turned in a different direction after returning from those delegations and I fell asleep to what was happening in Israel/Palestine between Israelis and Palestinians. I was shocked when I heard there have been seven wars in Gaza since I was there. Now I am resurrecting my awareness, my memories, my voice and my commitment.

I sat with peace makers on both sides on those delegations, people who did not follow the narrative of making the other the enemy. People who shared their suffering and their aspirations. With that witnessing, comes a responsibility not just to condemn the taking of hostages and killing of 1200 Israeli citizens…which was horrific, but to invite people in the United States to look at the root causes of violence, which includes systematic brutality and violence/dehumanization of military occupation. There is also the undeniable ripple of trauma within both societies bleeding out onto children in both societies.

I learned very quickly that if you say anything at all about Israel/Palestine, someone will be offended or call you names…out loud or in their minds. That is not a good enough reason to be silent now. Thus far I have been using my words to write members of Congress, President Biden, Vice President Kamala Harris, Senators in my area, Secretary of State Antony Blinken, and in the very beginning…CNN anchor Jake Tapper. Did those actions change the trajectory of the war? Probably not, but they were a way to tend my broken heart and not be complicit through silence. Just like tens of thousands have been out on the streets calling for a cease fire month after month…probably people with loved ones and family in that region. So part of holding and transmuting that feeling of helplessness, is to find ways to act.

We need to find ways to honor the grief and the loss. My way may not be your way, that is the beauty…we are all individual pieces of this collective puzzle that is humanity. What is called for now is to invoke the goodness of humanity while not turning a blind eye to the inhumane. Or as Leah Green, founder of the Compassionate Listening project said…we need to find ways, “to hold the whole.”

*Part of taking care of myself is to name and honor the grief.*

If I had a magic wand I would wave it over this region and the guns and bombs would fall away, the hatred would melt, the hostages would be released in good health back to their families and the children of Gaza would be fed not only food and clean water, but love, dignity and safe harbor inside of homes, not tents. They would know that people care enough in the world to stand up for them. All people of Israel would feel safe and cared for. I do not have a magic wand, but I have a pen and paper. Seeing that the guns and bombs come from the United States, seeing that starvation is being used as a weapon of war, I cannot be silent and so letters came flying out of my hands almost every night for months and now I am writing here. But my writing is not coming from hatred, it is coming from heartbreak.

In the beginning of this conflict, like many I was in shock. I was and am working as a massage therapist in the day and coming home and making calls and writing letters as an individual at night. I was in deep pain and it took me a while…over a month, to wake up to the magnitude of people out in the streets. It has never happened before. Just like the level of violence on October 7 and the unfolding demolition of Gaza in response has never happened to this magnitude before.

The collective narratives are the snake skin that it is time to shed. The narrative where one side has the right to self defense and the other side is not even mentioned…the unseeing of each other’s suffering has led to where we are right now. When I returned home from one of my delegations, I heard for the first time on the radio, that the United States gave blankets with small pox to Native Americans to help kill them off with disease. It took how many years for this story to be broadcast to the general public? The unseeing of the genocide which preceded our lives on this land in the United States, is a contributor to U.S weapons being used for possible genocide of Palestinians right now. There is still time to stop that, but it takes shedding the old narratives, the old beliefs, and the clinging to “only my pain is real and you actually deserve what you are getting.”

Thank you for being part of me tending my broken heart. As I come home to myself, and take good care of my heart…it is more likely I will have the stamina to be there for others. Part of taking care of myself is to name and honor the grief. I keep a grief altar, because writing political figures has mainly felt like shouting into the wind. But holding sacred space for all of the victims of violence is a way to not turn a blind eye and offer ritual of honoring the loss of all lives to violence in this war.

A Reminder to Myself, I Share…

A Poem by Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh to strengthen our hearts and purify our minds.

Recommendation

A poem by Thich Nhat Hanh

Promise me,
promise me this day,
promise me now,
while the sun is overhead
exactly at the zenith,

promise me:
Even as they
strike you down
with a mountain of hatred and violence;
even as they step on you and crush you
like a worm,
even as they dismember and disembowel you,
remember brother, remember:
man is not our enemy.

The only thing worthy of you is compassion –
invincible, limitless, unconditional.
Hatred will never let you face
the beast in man.

One day, when you face this beast alone
with your courage intact, your eyes kind,
untroubled
(even as no one sees them),
out of your smile
will bloom a flower.

And those who love you
will behold you
across ten thousand worlds of birth and dying.

Alone again,
I will go on with bent head,
knowing that love has become eternal.
On the long, rough road
the sun and moon will continue to shine.

Man is not the enemy. Our enemy is hatred, anger, ignorance and fear.

I wrote this poem in 1965 especially for the young people in the School of Youth for Social Service who risked their lives every day during the war, recommending them to die without hatred. Some had already been killed violently, and I cautioned the others against hating. Our enemy is our anger, hatred, greed, fanaticism, and discrimination against men. If you die because of violence, you must meditate on compassion in order to forgive those who kill you. When you die realizing this state of compassion, you are truly a child of the Awakened One. Even if you are dying in oppression, shame, and violence, if you can smile with forgiveness, you have great power.

Rereading this lines of this poem, I suddenly understood the passage in the Diamond Sutra that speaks about kshanti, endurance or tolerance : “Your courage intact, your eyes kind, untroubled (even as no one sees them), out of your smile will bloom a flower. And those who love you will behold you across ten thousand worlds of birth and dying.”

If you die with compassion in mind, you are a torch lighting our path. Before burning herself, Nhat Chi Mai one of the earliest Tiep Hien members, read this poem into a tape and left it for her parents.

Alone again I will go on with bent head” in order to see you, know you, remember you. Your love has become eternal. “On the long rough road, the sun and the moon will continue to shine.” When there is a mature relationship between people, there is always compassion and forgiveness. In our life we need others to see and recognize us so that we feel supported. How much more do we need the Buddha to see us! On our path of service, there are moments of pain and loneliness, but when we know that the Buddha sees and knows us, we feel a great surge of energy and a firm determination to carry on.

Thich Nhat Hanh