Sometimes the best we can do is to come home to ourselves and replenish our energy so we can be more stable when we reenter our daily lives. I’ve been trained by my culture to think that working through injury, working through exhaustion or sickness will keep me stable. I recently did all of that on auto pilot. But I’ve also been trained by my root teacher, Vietnamese Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, that coming home to ourselves is the best medicine.

Thich Nhat Hanh knows that stopping, calming, resting and looking deeply is the way to restore our freshness and attain insight. Many who have encountered Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings lovingly call him Thay, which means teacher and I will refer to him as Thay here. Unfortunately our culture tells us ‘resting is for wimps’. ‘Suit up and show up!’ So if you follow that cultural message, the freshness and insight won’t occur. The two messages are conflicting. After feeling burnt out, I came back to the wisdom and compassion of stopping, calming, resting and looking deeply…and added grieving…I gave myself permission for that.

I have just returned from Thay’s Memorial retreat. Quite a while ago, I had signed up for “Falling in Love with Mother Earth Retreat” to occur at Deerpark Monestary in March. Then, at age 95 on January 22, Thay passed at his root temple in Hue, Vietnam. After his transition, all of the community energy of the monks and nuns was focused on the ceremonies, the beautiful and moving ceremonies which marked his transition in Hue, Vietnam. Through the spirit of Thay’s teachings of inclusivity, the monastics found ways to include everyone who wanted to support/witness these ceremonies attended by thousands by live streaming them from Hue. Retreat centers also offered dharma talks and meditations in the days following his death for free online. It was a beautiful, skilled and sacred use of technology and I drank deeply from these offerings following Thay’s death. He has been preparing us for this since I first crossed his path, which is over twenty years ago now.

The teaching of no birth, no death…only continuation could be seen all around that retreat in the calm, gentle steps of monks and nuns who embody Thay, and lay people who joined them. “A cloud never dies, it can become rain, it can become snow, it can become vapor…but it cannot die.” Thay’s voice and countless nuggets of his wisdom, love and compassion live on in my heart.

When I received the email weeks ago that the “Falling in Love with Mother Earth” retreat had been cancelled and I could get a refund or remain registered into the new Memorial Retreat; I did nothing, but listen inside. I heard from my heartmind to stay the course and still go. Up until the evening before the retreat I was told I could get a full refund if I wanted. I was notified en route that six monks had tested positive in the previous weeks for Covid. Those six were recovering nicely and in quarantine. The transparency of the community and their offer to refund our registration up until the night before if we were concerned for our health let me consciously say yes a third time to coming home to myself by attending.

RIght now, following my breath in and knowing I am breathing in…then following my breath out…knowing I am breathing out, is my core peace work. Bringing peace and calm to the parts of myself that would want to go into full on fight, flight or freeze is enough. Letting go of fixing all the world’s problems or myself and instead bringing patience, acceptance and compassion to what’s so is enough. Embracing difficult emotions that arise within me, with my breath and holding them is enough. Opening the door of my heart to my own humanity and fellow humans during a time of great polarity, fear, anger and violence…is enough.

There really are not words for the profound privilege to practice with this community at this auspicious time and reflect on how one person’s devotion to peace, harmony and building sacred community, can ripple out so far and wide. Because he was born into war, he transmitted the medicine we need now, in these times of more war. It is not just his message now, because his message has been offered to millions of people and transmitted to hundreds of monks and nuns, many of whom as Vietnamese also lived through war. Individually, and together as a community, we can practice bringing peace to our own inner wars.

There was a lot of time that we practiced noble silence to build the energetic field during this retreat but there were also a few opportunities I found to connect with and talk with a new friend on the path. Her name is Jennifer. Sitting on the couch and sharing deeply the places that were difficult, the people that were not really in our heart any more, the reasons they were not…we slowly both recognized our own judgements, our own discrimination, and our own intolerance in our thinking being reflected back. This is the practice. To come out of the illusion of us and them, of the good guys and the bad guys, to go deeper and find the corners within where we can bring things into the light of awareness and say hello. Hello to my opinions, my judgements/discrimination that I sometimes confuse with ‘the truth.’ What if everybody had the tools and willingness to do that. What if?

The night before Thay’s Memorial, we gathered as a community and each held a colorful paper lotus with a candle in it. A sister, (Sister ‘D’), guided our hearts into meditation before this walk down to the meditation hall. It was our own Peace Walk, every step in peace for Thay and also for all those dying in Ukraine. Then hundreds of us silently gathered all of our candles together and meditated together in the Ocean of Peace meditation hall as one body.

The next morning was the Memorial service. The talks throughout the retreat were given in Vietnamese and English because half of the participants were Vietnamese and half English speakers. The chanting and the recitation of the poems that day also in both languages…sometimes through tears by the monastics. By now hundreds more people had arrived for the Memorial and a lunch for 300 to 400 people followed.

Knowing that the monks and nuns have not only been working to organize this current retreat, but also coordinating the ceremonies in Vietnam, the Vietnamese lay communities in San Diego came together to cook for all the monks, nuns and retreat participants…hundreds of people to feed day after day for multiple meals. This act of love and care taking honored that the monks and nuns also need conditions to grieve. By the time I left, my cup was full. For much of what I experienced since last Wednesday, there simply are not words. Including the deep heartfelt sharing heard from both fellow participants and nuns about their path during difficult times. But as an offering I wanted to share some of the beauty, wisdom and heart from this experience. In times of war, we can practice peace in simple ways. It can look like gentle steps on the earth, it can look like being aware of our breathing, or it can look like shining light on the parts of ourselves that are angry, fearful or in despair. May we all find our own ways to offer this beautiful planet, each other and ourselves peace.

For those who are not familiar…here is a link to a 20 minute embodiment of his life work…

While the wars are raging, let us come back to a heart that can love. The little girl in me reaches out to all the little girls and boys that are scared now, they may even be terrified now…but they also are in the very beginning of what is now a three day war in Ukraine. Children are resilient, they are innocent, and they deserve our protection. Too many children are living in war zones. Whether it is at home, or in a country like Ukraine that has just been invaded by Vladmir Putin military. Perhaps many in Putin’s military don’t even know or understand why they are invading Ukraine. For sure there are courageous Russian civilians speaking up for peace, speaking out against this invasion at their own risk.

Many of us, have become numb to war. After decades of wars that Americans have fought in, but have not been on our soil. So this audacious action in Ukraine may awaken us…seeing normal every day citizens so passionately express their love of their country by being willing to pick up a gun even if they never have before. Then seeing thousands more fleeing their own home for some place safer. Families, children, ripped out of their day to day lives in a flash. It could be you or me. When we hear the word refugee…often there is the thought of people looking for the good life…but in reality refugee is someone leaving hardship, trauma and often violence. War is here now in yet another country. So more refugees…more human beings doing their best with losing all sense of safety and security.

I”m not there. I am here, on my couch listening to my dog snore. I”m safe. I have food, water, a job. I’m lucky. But that little girl in me knows all these other people…good people are suffering. She wants to help. So first….see them in their strength. See them in their resilience. Get into my heart and radiate light over the whole region. All of it. Light a candle. Make a donation. Speak up. Do the inner work when I see I am making an enemy of someone or some group. Can I see that in myself? Can you?

Dream a better dream where we can replace our infatuation with war…War on Crime, War on Drugs, War on fill in the blank….replace our infatuation with war with coming home to ourselves. Coming back to those elements within us that are non peace, and embracing them with our awareness.

We need a collective wellness check. Mental, emotional and spiritual wellness check. I’m doing mine a little at a time. There is also a time to unplug. And that time is now for me. May you have sweet dreams.

In the words of Gandalf-

“Some believe it is only GREAT POWER that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I have found that it is the small every day deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.”

My own country invaded Iraq under false pretenses of weapons of mass destruction decades ago. So I have seen with my own eyes, in my own lifetime that war is much easier to get into than it is to get out of. Whether the firestorm of misinformation back then was intentional or not, the reality has shattered families, caused hundreds of thousands of casualties and destroyed infrastructure the civilian population still endures. Of course, we don’t speak of those consequences in this country. Then, there is the multiple tours and the traumatized soldiers returning with PTSD. So, when I hear of Ukraine being invaded there is a heaviness and constriction in my heart, but there is also a deeper looking than the headlines.

There is a desire to make it all better and to punish the aggressor, that’s our auto program. In my heartmind, I am aware of lots of little and large wars going on inside me and around the planet. It is not one, single, disconnected act. I got a text last night asking me to pray for Ukraine. Yes pray for the safety and well being of Ukrainians. And pray for Russia as well, who is being led by someone that is bringing sanctions upon the whole community. How many citizens in the streets of Russia are numb and embarrassed by the acts of their president this morning? How many times have I been numb and embarrassed by the acts of several different presidents at different times, particularly Donald Trump? To look deeper, we can look for the war in our own hearts, because that is where the wars out there manifest from. We can also see that one president of a country does not always represent the will of it’s citizens. One president may just want more power.

I went to New York after 9/11 to do ceremony and bear witness after seeing so much injustice and militarization in different parts of the world. I wanted to bear witness in my home country. We did prayers to help the dead transition because dying in sudden trauma is shocking and spirits can get stuck. So we were there to bear witness and assist with spiritual work. I believe about 2,996 people died in the twin towers 9/11 attacks but 184,382 to 207,156 Iraqi citizens were killed as of 2019 according to Watson Institute of Inernationational and Public Affairs. The infamous words of then President Bush, “mission accomplished” could not have been more untrue.

Since the tens of thousands who showed up in the U.S and across the globe to try and prevent the U.S. from going to war on Iraq in response to 9/11…there has been billions spent on war. Now Afghanistan’s population teeders on the brink of famine and melt down. Humans are more adapt at starting wars than ending them or transforming the suffering from them, but we need to not give up. I say this to myself as much as to anyone reading this. Not giving up… what does that look like? Maybe it looks like recognizing a state of hopelessness and apathy in the moment. Holding that, helping that dissipate.

Even the aggressors of war get war weary, being a U.S. citizen I am sharply aware of how much war my country has engaged in and have felt often helpless and hopeless. The truth is, there is a simmering war just beneath the surface here now, in the United States between the right and the left, between truth and distortion. Many places around the world are like that now. Are we feeding peace or are we feeding war?

I don’t have answers. So don’t look for them from me. I am integrating information of another war just like so many others are. I am coming home to myself and taking care of myself. When I ask about Doing, it is because that is our culture, and that also is the culture of war. To have to pre emptively strike. My doing today is coming home to myself and drinking water and walking slowly and breathing deeply. For me it looks like writing my way through this day. It looks a lot like not doing.

Everyone of us can look for the roots of war or peace within ourselves. When I snap at a person over a small thing but I know that small thing is not why I am snapping. It is something bigger, something unspoken…that is where the every day peace work can occur, if we are awake enough. When I am more interested in being safe and separate that is the same machinery. When ‘the other’ looks so completely disposable….that is war. Right now there is a lot of that going on in the airwaves…the collective energetic field is full of “Dualistic and discriminative thinking”. The trick is to catch it in ourselves and to embrace it…hold it.

Vietnamese Venerable Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh said we do not want to make ourselves into a battlefield. And he is one who knows about war, because he got exiled for over forty years working for peace and not taking sides between North and South Vietnam. The U.S was in that war too.

So today, I do keep Ukrainians in my prayers for their safety and well being. I also come back to my own life and look at where I am or have been unskillful. When am I more invested in being right or in control than being in harmony? Start here. Then realize that soldiers all over the globe have been programmed to believe certain things, act in certain ways, and believe it is for the benefit of their country…the ‘safety’ of ‘our country.’ In a time of massive disinformation and manipulative lies, we can also go inside and see where are we lying to ourselves or others? This is courageous, to be willing to even open those types of doors within ourselves. But what is manifesting out there is getting its start in human hearts and minds…not just one man in one country.

Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh heard about a 12 year old girl who had been raped by sea pirates while her family was fleeing the war in her home country of Vietnam on a refugee boat in the 1960s. She had so much despair she threw herself overboard and commit suicide. The letter with this story made him grow angry…but he sat with his anger. He calmed his anger. He transformed his anger. He wrote this poem from that experience….

Please Call Me by My True Names – Thich Nhat Hanh

Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow —
even today I am still arriving.

Look deeply: every second I am arriving
to be a bud on a Spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
to fear and to hope.

The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that is alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing
on the surface of the river.
And I am the bird
that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily
in the clear water of a pond.
And I am the grass-snake
that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl,
refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean
after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am the pirate,
my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving.

I am a member of the politburo,
with plenty of power in my hands.
And I am the man who has to pay
his “debt of blood” to my people
dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.

My joy is like Spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
so vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and my laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart
can be left open,
the door of compassion.

_____________________________

The best thing I can do today is to humbly walk on this beautiful mother earth and realize humans are one species of millions. That we have collectively come and gone from our mother earth on multiple occasions. And that the disappearing of humans from past civilizations was most likely a collective result of egoic fear, greed and intolerance. If I have the courage to continue to practice deeply and transform my own personal egoic garbage…perhaps that is enough for right now. There is an ocean of goodness within humanity as well. We need to amplify that goodness rather than getting caught in our anger or fear. Sharing the composting of our own inner garbage is peace work…so is smiling to ourselves and others.

I’m a massage therapist at a four star resort and that is what has paid my sizeable rent and bills as a single person living in Monterey County. I”m blessed and challenged to be at a job that actually does pay my bills. I’ve been in the situation of working three part time jobs without benefits, rather than one. So, I try and keep the huge progress of working one job in mind. However, when I had a client talk with me about passion projects and I shared I am a writer and a nature photographer…I was aghast to find I could not even recall my own blogsite name. And it doesn’t stop there…I also could not recall the name of my manuscript. I couldn’t at that time, recall if I”ve written one or two manuscripts. Have you ever had moments where you clearly see you’ve given up on a beautiful part of yourself? You might think that the shock of the disconnect to my creative self being revealed…I’d run right out and…write.

That conversation happened probably a year ago. I did not run out and write. While millions of people were packing up their napsacks and saying ‘hasta la vista baby’ to their employers, I took comfort in knowing I had a job and a steady income that pays my bills. I still take comfort in that. I just don’t want to be dead…while I”m still alive. So I am asking this question…of myself and perhaps you want to play along for the ride…”What am I waiting For?”

Have you had those wake up moments when you hear the clock ticking and yet you roll over and hit the snooze button on what gives your life the most juice? Our minds are so incredibly ingrained to keep us safe and to preserve our lives that we forget we are no longer living in the jungle fighting tigers or the forest running from bears. Or…you get the point. So what has us wait to live in a way that brings the most joy and fulfillment? Personally, I’d sum it up with one word…fear.

‘But last time I failed when I followed my dream.’ ‘Last time I went into debt.’ ‘Last time I never finished a damn thing.’ ‘I’m a poopy head, why should I try again?’ You know, when you get close to going after something all of the voices will come out of the closet to chime in their one cent worth of disparaging thoughts. ‘You’re lucky you have what you have…just take good care of that….fix your damn attitude!’ Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda. Good ingredients for stagnation if you let those voices run the show.

The shadow and the light dance together. One cannot be without the other. If there is light, there is shadow. So making friends with my shadow is where I am at now in the creative sojourn. Like hearing a small child who is clearly not wanting anything to do with vegetables. Listening with some compassion but then also with some humor. My big story is…’but I’m on a single income!’ Like that is the cement to keep all things glued in place as they are from here into eternity…lest I fall off the planet into Oblivion never to be heard from again.

This is a fresh awakening that came in with grace this morning when I decided to….write just to write. There is no one outside of ourselves that can give us permission to excavate the layers of sludge off of our heart’s desire. We are the only ones that can roll up our sleeves and do that for ourselves. It takes courage. And instead of a Brillo pad…be sure to bring in big doses of self love and compassion.

After all, what feels like a death to the ego is what opens the door to transformation. The caterpillar has to feel like it is dying to itself (because it is) before she becomes a new form. The legs of the caterpillar have to stop working before it goes back inside the cocoon to do that magical inner work of trans form a tion. It’s not like the caterpillar is bad and the butterfly is good. It is just different stages of life expressing through caterpillar and butterfly.

I trust I am in the process of doing the inner work. Seeing how my mind likes to divide and conquer. Dualistic thinking…the kind of all or nothing type thinking is the perfect thinking to stay in one place. But when I shine the light of awareness on that I can smile to the mind. I don’t have to berate it. Yes, there is my dualistic mind that has been trained to categorize and control things. I see you and I smile to you…but here I am writing…just to write. It may be over a year since my last written words here…but here I am. Back. With no expectation of an outcome, writing because that is a part of who I am. That is part of the gifts I offer myself and others. So with a lil grin on my face…I can move with ease into the rest of the morning…

What an amazingly crazy year 2020 was! Yet, those who thought that 2020 would simply disappear, and 2021 would be very different may have been surprised on January 6 when a sitting president of the United States encouraged thousands of supporters to march on the capitol. I think of 2020 as the year of our collective shadow becoming obvious for all willing to see. It also was another year of increased polarity…duality…”othering” upon others. It’s taken a while to want to say anything about that because it was such a shock to the system that I felt silence was better for a while. Enough people were sharing their opinions as the story of January 6 in the Capitol of the United States unfolded.

Animals in nature just naturally know where to hunt for food. This Egrit is looking deeply into a tide pool and caught a little fish. I have watched this being for some time and it has a variety of hunting areas it circulates within it’s territory. When humans think of food, we often think of meal time, snacks, our favorite dishes, restaurants etc. But during these times I invite us to look more deeply. My root teacher (Thich Nhat Hanh) has taught us that food is also sense impressions, volition and consciousness.

I can recall seeing a news story where there was a photo of white enraged men with big guns inside the Michigan capitol screaming without masks into the faces of the line of police. That was over half a year before the insurrection in Washington DC. I was horrified and the first thought was why are they allowed to carry guns into this space? If those were young black men, there is no way in hell they would be allowed to carry guns in and scream at police inches from their face. As a white person that is just such an immediate awareness of a double standard that has grown deeper in recent years. And as a white person it’s important to name that double standard.

Moments of truth can be liberating if we have the courage to embrace what might be under the surface. Back to what we feed grows. If we feed our anger, our hatred, our suspicion, our sense of entitlement, those things will grow. It’s easy to point the finger outward and think how crazy and wrong a person or group may be, whether Republican or Democrat…but can we also turn inward and investigate deeper?

As a wildlife photographer, one of my most beloved passions is tracking animals energetically and creating a bond that manifests through an image. My telephoto is strong so sometimes what I think I see is not quite what I really see. For example, I was walking by the shore last week and saw what looked like a snake. Again I track energy too and I was not quite sure. I used my zoom lense to capture the image but still couldn’t tell. As I sat with this for a moment and asked myself are you sure? I concluded it was a stick. There was no motion, no movement that would match a snake. But the shape hooked my attention and my mind immediately went to “snake”. (I love snakes by the way.)

Now, I’ll go out on a branch (hah) and say if I was with a lot of snake hating people who saw what they thought was a snake…they may want to kill it. What feeds that hate? Probably fear. What feeds the fear? The stories they have (consciously or subconsciously) in their heads about snakes. Then if we all heard a person of authority that we trust say, “that’s definitely a snake…we need to do something Right Now!” Well, you see my point. This little old stick is just getting catapulted by this emotional tidal wave of collective energy based on a wrong perception.

Back to January 6th and what started out as Donald J. Trump, then the president of the United States, fueling the crowd to go “fight like hell” the certification process of the election because the election was stolen. By this time, millions of people had been eating disinformation for months from multiple sources. By this time, Donald Trump had not only pressured election officials in the state of Georgia, but also his own vice president to shift the results so that he would win the election he lost. He also put those who were simply doing their job, at risk. This day was not one day. This day was the culmination of feeding on conspiracy theories, and “news’ that would help a misperception be held as true and true enough to break the law for. After all, the President of the United States is inviting them to do it, so they have a right to “fight like hell.”

What we feed grows, who we hang out with supports a certain energy within us. The videos we watch, the news we watch, the conversations we have, the grievances we ruminate upon. The energy of that group of people and the messages they were fed before going to the Capitol had some people act in ways they never would have as individuals on their own, alone. Community energy is a food too. The volition (or intention) of that group, and the Consciousness of that group fed individuals on that day, and the days/months prior.

What is your hunting ground? Where do you get your “Truth?” One morning when I could not get on the internet to do my online yoga class, I was seriously disappointed. Then I realize…OH Shit! That means I can’t do my on line class or all this other stuff. I have a morning sitting practice and in that practice I got an image of myself tangled in wires…bound up like a mummy in wires. It showed me I had become completely dependent on the internet. Like the world out there was more important than taking care of the anger in here…the one who discriminates in here, the one who thinks they know how it is, even if it is not accurate, within me. That fear of being without the internet during a shelter in place, that fear of being without something to fill the void, be it news or classes, or even an on line yoga class. That image stayed with me. Of being wrapped up in wires. Do we have the courage to come back home and feed ourselves wholesome, simple foods…and perhaps even unplug from the collective dream for a bit? The collective dream is reflecting back drama, trauma and as Biden said recently…an un civil war. What would happen if we unplug the wiring into that and cleared the space to feed a new dream? Instead of feeding on the internet, maybe I could feed on my own innernet of intuitive knowing by being in nature. And what might first look like a snake, could become a friend.

I knew very well there would be another Shelter in Place Order coming. With the intuition of this rising Covid wave and the lives it would take, came that knowing. But like everyone else…I hoped I was wrong. That it would not shut things down again. Our county never made it out of the highest level in California, the purple zone, but I was still able to work for the last 5 months and that is a huge blessing. Even more for emotional well being, than financial, but both. Now it will be on pause again.

Fill up your tank with Joy, storm clouds are coming through. In dark and heavy times it is even more important to open my heart wide to simple healthy pleasures that water the seeds of joy. I booked two nights in my go to reflect and go deep place a whole 20 minutes from my house. Intuiting that shelter oder coming within days, I traveled twenty minutes from my house, to a spot that is an entirely different world. I open up the door to my room and am reminded of this…

Five little walks yesterday…three with the dog and two alone. Find your medicine and use it. Some may think of a trip like this as escape but I know it is simply selective watering. Instead of consuming news of the latest death toll, the latest grand chaotic denial in and out of the White House…I’m walking slowly feeling the earth beneath my feet on the way to the ocean. Imbibing the frothy rythym of the waves. Listening to songs, crying spontaneously as my heart opens and I feel…rather than being robotically numb.

Whatever seeds we water the most will grow. I need stability and freshness so I come to the sources that can nourish those seeds with in. Mother ocean, so constant and loving. So vast and mysterious. How did I spend so much of this year so far from her? Living so close to the ocean but not taking time to feel sand between my toes and see the setting sun.

Death is such a powerful teacher if we can actually acknowledge her presence. A dance of transition is a foot. And it is with humility I am listening to this ever changing music. Yes, you are working…no you can’t work…yes…well outside…no maybe not. In a while, perhaps. In a longer while, maybe. That beautiful reality of impermanence and uncertainty could actually become a dance partner if I allow it. Rather than an enemy to be vanquished and dominated so I can have my very safe and predictable life on my silver platter. How much more I cherish having a job, food, housing, friends, family…when I know they could be snatched into another adventure at any time. Death is the great awakener to life.

When I lived in Plum Village with the monastic and Lay community of Thich Nhat Hanh I heard of a nun that had received a cancer diagnoses. She was told she’d die within 6 months. Upon hearing that she was permitted to come to Plum Village where she wanted to spend her last days practicing with that community, living mindfully with what time was left her. However, she did not die in six months. Or two years. She fed the seeds of joy and practiced with a community that know how to live in simple, healthy ways. Her cancer went into remission. If you knew you just had six months to live…how would you spend your days, who would you reconcile with, what preparations would you make? Why wait?

During these Covid days…some are very sick and dying. Some are lonely. Some are over worked and at high risk. Some are losing their income…but where are you? We all have this moment to do the best we can with what we have in front of us right now. Knowing everyone is in a different situation.

As I intuited, I heard the word that our Shelter in Place for my county is being activated at 10 pm on Sunday night. But before I heard that news I got a message from my neighbor about a family up the street that had tested positive, a little boy, his mom and boyfriend that now are sick with Covid. So now all the children on the street who had been playing without masks will be wearing them. Everyone is handling this differently but the collective consequences are rising.

How can I be stable, calm and fresh for others in the coming days? By coming back to myself and taking care of my own suffering, nourishing the seeds of joy. Sometimes it’s time to let go of the wheel and trust the universe…in the grander scheme of things. I continuously give thanks for all the good and let it all the way in.

When I return home, later today there is the Chop Wood, Carry Water actions to take of being the grown up in the house. But from a completely different vibration, a vibration of gratitude and trust. Like reactivate my unemployment, as this will be my last weekend of work for at least a month. Take care of the chores. Clear space within and without and see what beautiful seeds I want to plant in the days to come. But first there is time for one more barefoot beach walk…

Sometimes the guidance comes in dream states. It flows through when the mind is not in charge. I have songs seed a knowing within sometimes. I woke up to a song that let me know the outcome of the election on Wednesday morning last week, it felt very peaceful for a while. Four days later, after all kinds of drama and division, I woke up into another song.

BRING ME A HIGHER LOVE….BRIIIIIIIING ME A HIGHER LOVE…OHOH. What a happy song to wake up with. The songs that come in sleep state are a gift from spirit. I went to my computer and Googled bring me a higher love and found Steve Windwoood from 1986 and played the music video. That morning I danced in my livingroom and started to learn this new…old song.

“Think about it, there must be higher love

Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above…

Without it, life is wasted time

Look inside your heart, I”ll look inside mine…“

I had stopped singing for a while. Singing is the quickest way to raise your vibration and Goddess knows we all could use a little of that these days. It’s time to move from the mind down into the heart and find heartsong. The mind wants to know, wants to control, wants to defend and protect, wants to be safe. The heart wants to love, to give, to sing, to celebrate and dream.

I had been gifted the song that fortold the election results. But the mind…in time, still felt like it needed to track. Track the news, the votes, the drama, just to make sure my guidance was correct. (It is.) So the ‘upgrade’ song came in, to help me redirect my attention and intention. I had forgotten to sing. So even listening to this song helped ignite joy, love, inclusiveness in me.

We need good heart medicine right now. We need to call it in…from the stars above, from the earth below, from the heart within. We can find people that inspire us, the songs that enliven us and redirect our collective attention and intention from what no longer serves us.

The courage to see what no longer serves in me, will ripple out and impact the courage to see what no longer serves in ‘we’. I had gone for a run recently while I was kind of angry. I didn’t take time to change my shoes and I injured my foot. It hurt a lot. I am not able to walk the land and connect with the animals like I normally do. But I got the message…shift how you walk thru life. Walk with humility, patience, kindness. Let go and trust the flow. Allow…trust.

So I have my assignment but it has not been an immediate click your heels (no pun intended) and I am upgraded. It’s a conscious dance of witnessing what is arising moment to moment. To see what energy there is a tendency to feed. To see what our collective media focuses upon. Then it is just to hit the replay button on “bring me a higher love!” And dance some more…gimpy one footed dance with my dog snoring on the couch.

This past week I discovered Stacey Abrams, a new Shero from Georgia and heard what she said about her work for voting rights… “It’s not about me, it’s about us.” Even when there is injustice and systemic violence happening to so many beings, human beings, animal beings, plant beings, inside of corrupt systems that fail to protect so many…what do we do with it?

I had a dream that showed me what I look like when I am angry or irritated, what others see…how I walk. Of course, it’s not pleasant to see yourself angry. It’s the masculine energy. Part of the message, for myself and this country is to shift out of a toxic mad masculine energy and allow the Divine Feminine energy to rise up from within. The divine feminine that is a Higher Love.

The masculine energy is in women and men, just like the feminine energy is in women and men. What do we feed? The masculine energy is mind based. It’s not like the masculine energy is bad and the feminine energy is good. We need both and we are made up of both. But we are out of balance. I know I am. Knowing that is a step towards re-establishing balance, flow, harmony.

I can be mad about things that are totally appropriate to be mad about. Rage is an energy. Learning to recognize, embrace and tend to anger will help not only myself but the collective field. The collective energetic field has it’s own energy and it even infuences weather patterns. WE all inter are. Whether we know it or not, whether we believe it or not.

“Higher Love” could come to me on a silver platter and if I am not willing to receive or give it, what’s the point? That’s where the inner work is so so important to do. Can I/we reprogram the B.S.? (Belief Systems) You know, the decisions we make about ourselves and each other that are the blockages. “I’m like that, he is like this, they are like…” you get it. There is a lot of labeling going on right now, inside and out. Pulling up the rug to see the dirt beneath is part of the heart-house cleaning. And what a good time to do that…individually and collectively.

I can be myself with animals. Any animal. Snake, deer, skunk, bluebird, crow, hawk, squirrel, bobcat, coyote, dolphin, butterfly, caterpillar. There is just this innate joy, connection and love for all of the creatures of this planet. I immediately feel connected, right away. I have been trained how to honor animals and trees and non humans by asking permission to enter their energy field before stepping into it. The love is there already, though. I don’t have that practice with humans…I wonder what it would be like if I did?

Have any of you out there gotten down loads of guidance from Spirit during the Pandemic? Mine are very, very short and to the point. Like when I was changing the water in the birdbath and blessing it for all the birds and others…a daily ritual… I heard, “What would your human relationships look like if you showed that consistency and kindness?” Seed planted. It’s up to me if I water it. What if I felt the same inclusive love towards different people like I do towards different animals? What if…

Like the master Rumi said so many years ago…

“Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and find all the blockages within yourself that you have built against it.”

Look inside your heart, I”ll look inside mine…

I know there is a wee bit of me in every thing “out there” I see. Sometimes that is a happy Yippee, and sometimes that is a Oh my….I’d rather not be like that! Donald Trump is the president of the United States and it seems you either love him or you hate him. If you hate him there is the pitfall of thinking it is Just Him. A more courageous twist might be to look at the Collective Shadow that this man so magnificently is mirroring back to us. It would not be out there, if it were not also in here, in our collective human consciousness in the United States and beyond.

Let’s begin with the great walls. You know…Nationalism and the threat of ‘others’ coming through our borders and killing us and taking our jobs and yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. Well, a lot of people voted for that in 2016. A lot of people voted for safety and security that would come from Trump building those walls. That some how, staying separate from others will keep Americans safe and secure. I could ask Mr. Trump…how is that working out…the wall thing on the borders? That would be an easy, snippy question I could ask.

Or, I could show fortitude and go a little deeper to ask, where am I building those walls? Those walls I convince myself that will keep me safe, those walls that feel necessary and smart? Who are the ‘others’ in my heart? It’s easy for politicians to disrespect each others’ action or inaction right now and for the public to be amazed at what is happening in the U.S., but how many of us are courageous enough to Shadow Dance?

I have built those walls. A lot of people have. I have the walls to block out various folks. ‘Why can’t you get what time it is on the planet?’ Or, “you don’t care about what I care about, I already know that.” Or…’you’re Republican’ or ‘you’re democrat.’ Or, ‘you’re an idiot because you don’t believe in science or climate change or that masks reduce Covid Risk’. Or, or, or, or.

Trump didn’t keep his discrimination limited to Mexicans in 2016 that were ‘rapists and criminals’…no he had enough to go around to all kinds of different groups. Muslims, Middle easterners…people from California (like me). There is a particular narrative he spun to make the racism or the discrimination palatable. Like, that person is dangerous to you. They are trying to take away your guns. That person is dangerous to me, they look or think different than me.

Well, I can top Trump by running my own internal narrative about Humanoids being dangerous to all species in the plant and animal worlds. That Haughty energy of superiority that only a Stable Genius like me could have. (I had to steal the stable genius line from Trump because I am not actually genius enough to come up with that one on my own.) But that energy…the energy of superiority or of arrogance is definitely something that runs through me. It is part of my shadow. The “I know better and why don’t you get it?”

I may not Tweet out my irritation or anger but I am sure I emanate it energetically when it is triggered. I have thought of going to a costume store and buying a wig…a curly white judge wig so when I am judging other people or myself, I can really get into it. “You’re Guilty…for being an idiot and letting climate change decimate so many species without giving a crap!” Granted I could use all caps, but that’s not my style.

Then there is the whole, I’m right and you are so very wrong addiction. I am guessing, it’s not just me that likes to be right. I’m guessing it actually may be a humanoid thing. Not even, just a Trump thing. We may just think it in our heads…not even notice the thought. Or, we may get so invested in being right that we have no problem alienating or obliterating all kinds of different people over it.

Donald Trump has not yet conceded that he lost the election. He declared himself the victor Tuesday night, and is now sharing the narrative about voter fraud. He may even believe there was voter fraud. Like George Bush believed there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq…which there were not. I digress.

Let’s get back to the mirror, the shadow dance. Having fun yet? Let’s talk about tantrums. I am taking my marbles and getting the heck out of here. That is one of my favorite auto reactions. It is such an auto reaction that I don’t even realize I am doing it at times. I had to kind of laugh when a news anchor was berating Trump for quipping about leaving the country if he loses the election. Like what a bad person he would be to leave the country just because he didn’t win. But……thousands and thousands had threatened to leave the country if Trump did win. “If Trump wins, I’m moving to Canada…” The mirror is right there in front of us if we have the courage to see it. Do we?

Let’s say we actually do have the courage to see it. Well, that is where the real fun comes in. Admit the truth. I can throw energetic tantrums, I can make people wrong and call them idiots (in that voice in my head), I can be so convinced that I am right that I don’t let in any other person’s view. I can discriminate against others. But the good news is… I am a very stable genius. Humor is always good when you are looking at Donald Trump’s massive Shadow and bringing your own shadow out to sit side by side with it. In all fairness it is our collective shadow, it doesn’t belong to one man.

What is the point of being willing to acknowledge our own shadow states? If we can acknowledge and see our own shadow, embrace it and have compassion for those unsavory parts of ourselves; it is easier to do that with others. Although I can’t make anyone else change their behavior…if I am really committed; I may be able to change my own over time. As the dispersion and distraction of this messy presidential transition continues, we can constantly invite in the light…even to the darkest places within ourselves. It starts here.

If I could make one wish for these crazy and uncertain times, it would be for us…whatever Political party or no party, whatever race or ethnicity or economic level…be willing to go within our own hearts and do the work that is waiting for us there. Not to give up. Not to get distracted by all the noise. And to trust that it makes a difference. It makes a difference to get real and to see my own shadow. It makes a difference to be able to name it, embrace it and cultivate humility. Yes, I’m a democrat…I did the happy dance with Biden’s win. But I have a friend who doesn’t wear a mask…owns a restaurant and is Republican. And he is just about spreading the love. Even if he was not happy about the election results, he was still just about spreading the love. We don’t have to agree about everything in these times of great transition, but with all of our differences we are all human. It’s a time to look from love…even when looking in the mirror and seeing the shadow.

I never was one much to pay attention to squirrels. Like every other creature, I had an affinity, a curiousity…but not a love. Not until Little Dude came a long. Little Dude is a love…and I am grateful to have crossed his path. I am grieving that he is no longer my morning buddy who I get to look out the window and bond with.

Squirrels became important to me because my apartment complex…Preston Park, in Marina California decided to kill them all. Or as many of them as they could. Along with moles, voles, and gophers. It was at perhaps the most upsetting time possible to be purposefully killing the ground animals…while the fires were going and so many wild animals were also dying.

So I drew my line in the sand, and although I could not sway the apartment complex to find a more humane way to handle the concern for building damage from ground animals, I did refuse the lethal poisons they were/are dropping into holes all over the property on my tiny yard. I also worked with prayer constantly. Immediately two squirrels figured out this was a safe haven. I named them Poof Butt…for his big poofy tale, and Lil Dude, who I adored beyond comprehension. Little Dude had a skinny and short tail and he was young. Still growing up. They had holes near my home that I let be…as the rest of the properties around me were not safe. And I let them know not to dig more. We had an agreement, and I fed them with the birds every morning so they would be less likely to get poisoned somewhere else. They became part of my animal tribe and our morning connection was a regular part of rituals that bring joy. I became a squirrel lover.

What once was a neighborhood brimming with squirrels and gophers, now there were just two, both in my yard. I learned quickly they have different personalities and how to tell them apart. And they joined a family of other animals I have known and bonded with over years that included crows, little birds, lizards, and a hawk. The rules were….harmony and no harm. I didn’t know how long it could last, but it felt good to have them here. One is kind of chunky and super food oriented and one was tiny and very me oriented. Eye contact galore with Little Dude, every time he got spooked he came running for my front door.

I’ve always been into animal communication but found Little Dude the perfect buddy to start experimenting. I would go out front and sit in my yard and meditate and call him after a while. And that is when he would come. Walnuts help. He was not only an animal, he was quickly becoming a friend, and I know it was mutual. We always do know those things.

One morning he did not show up. Neither of them did. Besides leaving a surprisingly large empty space in my morning, I did wonder if he was okay. I made up that he was. The next morning I tried again…sitting out front and meditating and then calling him from my heart. Nothing. I concluded he was not in the holes, he was not in the yard…or he would have come. We had a reliable bond, he would have come…like he has before. I sent out a prayer for them and decided to walk my dog.

As soon as we rounded the corner the crows, who are tribe too, were sounding off the alarm…Big Time! Crows are extended family, and I immediately saw a huge red hawk on the ground and he hid something. I followed him as he flew up in the tree with a squirrel in it’s talons. I tracked him down and spoke in my own language looking directly into his fierce eyes telling him that is my friend and let him go. Someone watching might think I”m a lunatic, but I am as connected to hawk as any creature. He was looking right at me, I had seen the squirrel’s tail, and I knew he had Lil Dude. He immediately brought Little Dude out of the tree and let him out of his grip on a lawn and flew back into the tree to watch me. He was still alive.

I was doing energetic work through my hands. He was still alive but in shock and with a big gash. I took Little Dude into my house, where he would always run when he was scared. And there, while I was crying and praying and using sage, he died in my hands. I didn’t want to admit that…I took him to the wild life center at the SPCA in case we could get him back, but they said what I already knew…he had died.

I had asked to get Little Dude back so that I could bury him. They said no, he may have been poisoned and they don’t want to risk secondary poisoning. They told me about Rodenticide. I already know about that…unfortunately. Part of why it felt so important to have Little Dude and Poof Butt is because it was some small, tiny action to have a safe space for animals being purposefully killed by strychnide. That he was killed by a hawk…is better than to be poisoned. But he could have also been poisoned, there is no way to know.

The hawk in my tribe that has come to the birdbath so many days while squirrels were in the yard is not the hawk that scooped up Little Dude. That hawk knew, we had an agreement. This was a different hawk with yellow eyes that had come years before. He is huge. Little Dude was somewhere close, but not on my property when he got attacked. I am still amazed this hawk answered my request and immediately released Little Dude back to the ground, and let him go.

In the end, I was not able to keep Little Dude safe; but I was able to let him know he is loved. Every day for months I would set out a nut for him…sometimes a few times a day in a certain place, and he would pop up out of the burrough and look at me in the window while he was eating it. I was able to spend the last few minutes of his life letting him know he was loved, that he will be missed, that him living mattered to me. His dying also matters, I am grateful to have loved this little being, and I trust his transition past the veil to be a beautiful one…

Can you see the tree in me? I can see the sky in you. Can we hear the wind blow through, and hear the song in the breeze? I had to climb a tree tonight… to sing a song of gratitude. We have lost so many trees, that it is getting hard to see the sun. Just a grey haze, that was orange and yellow/brown for days. Now it is fog again…where I live. For most of this day, there are no words…layers of grief that run so deep that sleep and silence seem the cure.

By evening though I can’t help myself, I must go out on the land. To mourn, to grieve and to sing to the trees. Like an old friend that has gone far away, and you do not know if you will ever see them again…trees have become like that you see. Because so many are burning that to cherish them now is the only way how to get through this day. I brought my rattle and sang to many. I know so well, without you…there can be no me. Every breath I breathe is the gift of a tree.

The sun has gone too and the ocean does not look blue. Animals are burning and my stomach is churning to see what has become of the air and the land. Bring your prayers to the ash, to call in a new dream. One where we can hear the song of the stream, and know without trees there is no we. If we give thanks, love, and see deeply, we won’t cause so much harm to so many species.

Tonight, singing to a tree is the best act I can take on for humanity. It was a human that lit the fire in Big Sur, and so many have forgotten that we need the earth, air, sun, water, spirit to survive. If we remember to love, that becomes ‘thrive’. I trust the wisdom of this being that is billions of years old. To walk through the fire and dance when you see, the beautiful ways of giving that is tree. Whenever I see a tree that has burned…little green seedlings spring up close by. Like a little baby tree party, that helps lighten my heart. Can we look beyond our lifetime and play a part of planting the future now? Now is the time, there is no time to wait. It starts with knowing it’s never too late to wake up to our dependence on beautiful tree…earth, air and water, without which we could not be.

Fire is strong medicine and it is everywhere now…to the North and the South and many smell smoke. But trees are still standing and those are the ones to see with new eyes. Like an old friend you have loved but forgot and just walked by… for years at a time. Until one day you remember, I love you so much. And it’s not too late to reach out and get back in touch.

Whether you notice, or you don’t…tree keeps on giving life to so many. A solid standing one, offering refuge to any that come perch or crawl or climb on her branches. The deer come below and find their bedding. Going out in nature we learn the dance between all of the beings, that want us to give them a chance. So many are dying that after the song, singing in gratitude then the tears came along. To clean the heart and remove my fears. We must find another way to live. We can offer a new dream that honors all living things, where we tread lightly and remember to sing to future generations and all of the elements.

Can we see the tree as the breath in me? While we still have trees. Fire reminds us to be in gratitude to that which we have taken for granted. Fire burns through the complacency and denial so that perhaps every healthy tree we see now we can stop and see with a smile…that tree is a part of me. And the animals…without the trees, they have no place to live. Calling in humility so we can come back into balance with all we see, and the unseen…and live in harmony.