In dark times when the darkness gets pretty heavy and there is a feeling of grief in me; I find an antidote in kindness. It can be kindness towards myself, trees, animals, strangers, neighbors, in thought or in heart. Acts of kindness lift me up. Sometimes it is giving chocolate chip cookies to the neighbors, or home made soup. This week it is offering safe refuge and adopting a squirrel.

You know the old story about a person walking the beach that is filled with washed up starfish, and one person is throwing them back in the water and another person is asking, “there’s too many how can you make a difference?” The woman replies…”made a difference with that one” as she gently tosses one back in the water. It’s like that. While ground animals are being poisoned all over my complex, and fires are burning all over my state…I adopted a squirrel. And we are bonding. No, not in my house, but in my heart. They weren’t allowed to poison around my home.

Our hearts are kind of like that. There may be poison being spread all over in many different directions…but we can find ways to create a safe refuge around our own hearts for ourselves and others. In this case, it was the very real boundary of saying no to the office management and the ‘pest’ control company that are applying poison to the borroughs of so many animals. I could not make them stop everywhere, (I tried) but I could say no. NO you can’t do this on this 500 square foot piece of land in the space around my apartment. No, no, no, no, no. I have said no many times to this. Not in an angry way, but in a committed way. So while hundreds have been killed in their own tunnels one has figured out around my house is safer. And kinder.

This may seem stupid, but I really don’t care. Any little bit of kindness counts. Any kind of connection of the heart that can help create a more beautiful world…counts. I can’t stop the fires that have burned over a million acres in my state. But I can honor the animals and trees, and plants and people who live in my own hood with kindness. I can see them.

I admit, it is easier right now with animals than people. Part of the guidance I have received during Covid Times is…how would your relationships with humans be if you showed that kindness and consistency with them too? Got it, there’s more work to do. But for now, today…back to adopting a squirrel…I think he’s figured out his buddies are being killed all over the place.

You know when you feel led to a place, or you know there is this feeling of safe haven? Go there now. During these chaotic times. I do think this squirrel has figured it out. There used to be squirrels all over the place in my hood and now there is this one…and one other. And they are staying close…to my house.

When I heard that guidance…about, what if you were like this with people…I was changing the water in the bird bath. I clean the birdbath every day, I clean the rocks in the birdbath every day, and I change and bless the water with a prayer for the birds…everyday. I talk to the birds in gentle, loving tones, and like the squirrel…they have figured it out. All species of birds have figured it. There will be birdseed and fresh water at My house. And if it is hella hot…like it has been…there will will be clean cool water twice…if I’m home. This teen hawk likes to hang out in the birdbath for long periods of time. Seeing him makes me smile.

When you are living with thick smoke for days that is from beautiful places with tons of life forms burning…you need to find ways to smile. I have adopted more than just a squirrel. I also have a very good relationship with Teen Hawk….and I have a soft spot in my heart for the Jack Rabbit. But these relationships come from offering my love over the years, in good times and very difficult times too. In the very difficult times…double down on kindness and compassion.

One of my coworkers lives on the street where the Carmel Valley fire started. I checked in with her early on and she was safe with two very little ones and husband at a friends. I checked in again and never heard back. I had a pretty strong intuition about the house burning but I didn’t want to push. We are co-workers but I am not in her inner circle and she has not been working with us since covid. So I asked my boss how she is. She said all is good…but I didn’t really believe it and asked her to check in on the house. So…yes, she hadn’t mentioned it at first and put on a happy face, but indeed her home burned and everything in it also burned. Part of compassion is having the courage to check in even when you feel all is not well. Through encouraging my boss to ‘inspect’ whether she really was okay…we can come together as a work community and when she is ready…be there for her. The idea of a gofundme page came through…but even those ideas must wait until the time is right for her.

During these times, honoring our intuition to follow with kindness makes it easier to get up in the morning. Even though it may not be easy every morning. We may not even know what exactly to do…but more important is who we be. Can we be open hearted? Can we be present? Can we just hold space for someone in our hearts without having to fix it, because we can’t really ‘fix it.’ I can’t really ‘fix’ millions of lives being lost in fires…but I can feed kindness. Whether it is with a squirrel, or a hawk, or a crow, or a jack rabbit, or a human. I can radiate light out over everything and everyone with love and compassion…knowing somedays…just accepting what is so and holding it in light…is enough. And to do that consistently…that is love in action.

My guess is that when caterpillar was not feeling that great, and everything was going to shit…it was not doing the Happy Dance. But I could be wrong. My guess is that if caterpillar had a human mind and a choice, the butterfly never would have made it on the scene because caterpillar would have hung onto every single leg it had…and keep walking the caterpillar walk. Just so you know, I love caterpillar. It’s not like I hate caterpillar and love butterfly. I love both of them. They both are my teachers. I lead a slow enough life to have nature wisdom penetrate my heart. And when nature wisdom penetrates my heart deeply, it helps me know how to navigate these amazingly challenging times.

The other night at precisely 3 am the wind, a strange wind blew through my window into my ear…get up! Then I saw all kinds of flashing light outside. At first I wondered if it was a spaceship, there was so much light. But as I went to the window I saw it was an electrical storm. And from the lightening I hear, “Get Ready to Die.” It was three am…I was groggy but the seed was planted in my heart then. The lightening was not followed by thunder, I live in an area that never gets lightening and thunder. There was no rain. I watched for two hours…these lightening bolts come down and light up the dune where I live. I was amazed that no fire started. I bathe this land with prayer almost every day…and it is my allie. We were lucky there was no fire that night.

But there was fire. Because the lightening was not just on my sand dune where I live. This large message from nature was happening in other areas at the same exact time. It was happening in the Bay Area, it was happening all over my county. The next day when I went to work, as a massage therapist, I felt this super quiet eery…something is coming kind of feeling. The drive home I saw it, the smoke of the first of three fires. Big billowing plumes high up in the hills. There was so much lightening that night, I read later that fire started by lightening strike at 3:15 am. When I was at my window, knowing I am witnessing something big.

Back to the caterpillar, with all those legs, doing it’s caterpillar thing. “Our House is on Fire!” could have seemed like melodramatic words to some when 15 year old Greta Thunberg said them to a room full of adults at the climate change conference, pleading and demanding leaders take bold action. Now one million acres have burned in California alone. It is heart breaking if you allow the awareness of how many nature beings and animals are dying right now. I still am having a hard time staying out of bed in the morning. I hear the animals not just from this continent. It is happening all over the world, the habitat loss. The species loss. I used to want to fix it. Make people stop flying for vacations, make people wake up to our ripple effect in our actions and inactions around climate change. I used to feel helpless and so frustrated. Now we are in it. Now it is surrender. Now it is compassion for our inability to fully embrace/recognize the consequences of our collective actions and inactions, including myself. “Get ready to die.”

Nature never leads me astray so there are things to do. I was one of the lucky ones, but at first it looked like I might have to evacuate because one fire turned into three and the air was filled with dense smoke for over a week. This was my first experience with fire so close and the semi panic was in my body. Wow, that’s what they mean by have a “GO bag and emergency supplies ready.” I didn’t, I had to collect all that. By the time I was ready, I knew we would not be evacuated. Which is good because there was nowhere to go with fires burning in the North and South. But my friends to the North had already picked up mom, their cats and fled to a hotel. They were there for a week. Many in my area were evacuated, some lost everything including their homes.

The mind, wants to deny pain and death and actually anything that is beyond it’s capacity to know how to cope with or control. That’s why some are wanting at one level to go back to business as usual when millions have the Corona Virus and last I checked nearly a million…have died globally from it. Yes, but when can I get my haircut? It’s been six months! Is there really even a virus? That’s not really that many people compared to the number of people on the planet. Is there really even climate change? If so, it’s natural and always been there. Oh, the mind!

That is why, instead of relying on the human mind (including my own) at this time I am taking refuge in the wisdom of the earth. The earth has been around billions of years. Species have come and gone, civilizations have come and gone. The earth has so much more wisdom than my teeny weeny lil old peanut head. So now, in respecting the elements…the beings that we all rely on for life itself…I trust that fire, wind, water, is cleansing and rebalancing what has gone out of balance. When we are without electricity, without water, without clean air, our priorities may change. Then when those things come back, will we remember to be grateful? It was when I could not breathe clean air that Greta Thunberg’s words came rippling through my heart. It was when soot covered the seaguls and ash covered the beach that I was grimly reminded how much I take for granted and how little control I have over the bigger picture. But I can come back to my heart center and say thank you to the elements, to honor them and acknowledge them. Expressing gratitude and respect is part of coming back into harmony with life.

Two fires were started by lightening. A third was lit on purpose in Big Sur. I am not a big one for watching the news, but when I do, it is really clear we are not well. It feels like we are dying from the inside. All that was not well before this, is now coming fully into the light. Black Lives Matter rising up to retaliate against entrenched systemic racism, farmworkers and other ‘essential workers’ who are mainly immigrant are expected to work through all kinds of different conditions, while at the same time, being at risk of being deported. It is insane. Just like a person lighting a fire in the wilderness on purpose is not mentally, emotionally or spiritually well. I bet that caterpillar had a hard time doing his daily walk about during the latter part of caterpillar-dom.

My habit energy, from a super young age..is to want to make it all better. Here…my family is having a divorce, no one is talking to each other and everyone is sad. Have some candy and pop I bought with my pocket change. That will make it all better. OR maybe I can take your burden for you and carry it. The empath can pick stuff up without even knowing it…learning to dance with that consciously in these times is essential. Because, no…you can’t carry it for another, and it just pulls your own energy down. I don’t fly anymore that much but I remember…in case of emergency, put the oxygen mask over your own face first.

The fires are burning and things are dissolving. The auto response can be to want to tape the legs back onto the caterpillar so he can walk again . The person who thinks they are helping the butterfly by puncturing a hole in it’s cocoon, making it easier to get out does not have the wisdom of nature. The struggle of getting out of that cocoon is what causes the fluids to circulate into the wings so it can, indeed fly. I am not in total denial, I am feeling grief in a big way. But there is also trust that we are a species that is evolving. IF we don’t evolve spiritually, we will be like other civilizations that have come and gone.

My directive from nature could be literal, or it could be symbolic. I don’t really know. I am not dead yet. But preparing to die is what could bring me fully to life. I am covering my bases, I will create a living will (like the Go Bag, I don’t have a will), will look for someone who may be a care giver for my animal for when I die…but most importantly, don’t sleep walk through life. Pay attention to the gift of this life…like the gift of having wild animals still in nature, birds singing, trees, clean air, your loved ones who you can talk with now…say what there is to say to. We never know, when it is time to go. But right now it is time to grow….wings.

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In a dream last night gophers were trying to scratch thru my mattress from inside of it and break the surface. Lots of them. It was a disconcerting dream and I wasn’t sure I knew the meaning…but I knew that people are poisoning gophers on the apartment complex grounds I live in this month. I couldn’t find my dream journal…so here is the story.

I discovered the plan to poison all of the ground animals in a routine letter from our property management office, happily announcing the name of the company and that they would be on site in the month of August. Squirrels, moles, voles, gophers were to be ‘treated’ which is the numbed out human way of saying…poisoned. There is an overpopulation in my area. God forbid they may cause the world economy to collapse. So just incase you don’t feel the presence of death enough these days…it will be in your (my) neighborhood.

So…here is the thing…the gophers, the squirrels, the lizards, the birds, the coyote…they are my friends. How do you stop the killing machine? I started speaking up as soon as I got the email. First…by acknowledging them. The fact that it must be hard to manage a huge housing complex in the midst of Covid Pandemic. And I meant it, they have been generous and shown consideration and kindness. I have sent that message to them before. Then…inspect. What are you using, what happens with the bodies, what the hell, man! Okay, that part I just thought.

You know when people are killing things you love and you don’t feel like you can stop it? Then it is try and remind whoever is receiving my protest…these beings are actual sentient beings. Then, when I actually read the content of the 12 products (different forms of poisons) they are using…that is when I hit the Big Bright Red emergency button. Because this poison ripples out to other beings too. And that is when my body went into…panic mode. And with that energy, as you can imagine…the conversation with the head of this property was like one wall not hearing the other wall.

Again, how do you stop the killing machine?

Expressing concern about the secondary poisoning didn’t make a difference, expressing concern about the toxic effects on the land or water didn’t, in fact…all I got was…contact the company and get your questions answered. Excuse me, the company makes a living and is completely vested in poisons to kill animals, it is their livelihood.

“What’s your alternative?” that is what Bruce Delgado…the Mayor of Marina said to me when I reached out to him. He is an earth lover, animal lover…yet he thought like a business man. “They are doing what is cheap and convenient. You have to come up with an alternative.” By the way, they aren’t only doing this on my property…the office manager tried to console me by letting me know the county of Monterey is using the same company to poison animals all over the county. That is when I got really depressed. Again. Bruce, being the bright light he is, was able to trap and move squirrels where he works so they don’t endanger the foundation of the buildings on the properties he was working at, but they are not getting poisoned and poisoning others. “But it took me a lot of time and energy,” he said. He absolutely did not have the band width to help me. As a volunteer mayor with a full time job he put it back in my lap.

Speaking up was a start…it was the very least I could do. I started talking to my neighbor that loves animals. And I found she loves ‘some’ animals. The ones that piss her off because they mess with her garden…not so much. Or that her dog catches and kills…no, she hates burying squirrels her dog killed. So speaking of anything unpleasant to anyone is just…not easy right now. Because it is already an unpleasant time with a lot of people struggling, in many ways. I stopped…because I could see I was not going to win this battle. After speaking up through two layers of management, speaking to the mayor, speaking to my neighbor…I went back to working energetically.

Working with my love to bless the land I live on and put a shield around the land energetically. Because that is the guidance I got. Send the light right into the same burroughs under the ground that these people are poisoning and bating my friends with. And do it without hatred. Because hatred is just like sending out the same poison they are…on an energetic level. I heard really clearly from my guides….”Whatever you do, make sure you do it from love.”

So fast forward to last week. Fires have broken out, there are sirens from firetrucks, smoke is in the air…I am driving to the post office to get some donations in the mail. I pass the guy laying stuff on the land where my friends the crows hang out. I slow down…I know he is part of the company on site to kill animals. I almost pull a ueee but keep going. When I come back from the post office I track him down in my complex. This guy is just doing his job, I get that. And I am doing my job…being a voice for voiceless animals. I strike up a conversation and he knows right away that I am not cool with what he is doing. He reassures me ‘this is oatmeal, I could eat it’….He has a big wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth. I am looking at him like, really? “What about tomorrow when you come back with poison?” “What about the bodies? What about secondary poisoning? What about the people who don’t want you on their property…like me?” But the thing was all inside of neutral energy. I wasn’t demeaning him, he was not defensive with me. When I went into the realm of…how does that feel…he let me know, “These are RODENTS!” So…there is where the heart armor comes in. Animals can be terminated without a second thought.

Fast forward…after two weeks of fires. After thousands of acres of land burning. After some people’s homes burning, and hundreds of thousands more animals dying of fire all over my county and the state… I wake up on a day I don’t want to get out of bed, from a night of dreams. One of which was of gophers…trying to get through to me.

I look out my window…and see a man in the yard being very still and holding a pole steady to dip into a gopher hole. I know what he is doing. He is poisoning the gopher in that hole. It is so much easier to live a life of denial…in some ways. But, that is what our culture has already been doing, and the cost is too high. I watched the man, looked for the truck. This was a different man than the one I talked to before, and my heart is also different.

I ask him, are you with the company poisoning the animals? I just start talking to this man straight from my heart and I can see…I can feel…he is hearing it. I said, there are so many animals dying in fires right now. “So many people are struggling right now, not knowing if they have work, not knowing if their kids should go to school…” All this stuff just came pouring out of my heart…except anger. There was no anger. There was no hatred. There was just…you can’t do that here. Not on my property. He told me, “This bothers me now….I’ve been doing it for years and it bothers me now.” “I agree with you…all these animals dying in fires…we should just let them be. But I have a family to feed.” I was crying on my knees on the lawn. It wasn’t about gophers, it was about the consciousness that thinks killing things is the way to solve problems. It was not seeing our actions as a part of the problem. But most of all…I could feel this man had an open heart and he could hear my heart. I told him about the dream. Of course the dream was part of the gophers speaking to me.

I was planning to do honorable closure ritual for all of the land animals who had died of poisoning because it is the end of this month and they are leaving. But in the conversation with this man, he told me the contract with this property is for a year. I could feel my heart sinking…and my resolve rising. It’s kind of like the times we are in, right? Stay home for two weeks while we try and get a handle on this virus. Then the two weeks turns into six months. But the six months…in that six months…how deep in our hearts have we gone to see what we do to the earth, other humans, and other species, we do to ourselves? How much inner work have we done while millions of people are getting sick and thousands…tens of thousands of humans are dying?

So I tried going to bed, and had hoped not to have a dream about gophers…but then I laid awake. Instead of laying awake, I am honoring the lives of the animals that live below the land around my home with this story, with this blogpost. Fires are still burning all over my state. May those fires burn through our collective denial so we can see with more clarity from our hearts after the smoke has cleared.

Today I took a walk on Fort Ord by my home. I go there almost daily. On some days, like today…I pick up old bullets. Those bullets are the same thing…made from a consciousness that believes killing other humans can solve a problem. In fact, Fort Ord was where young men got trained to kill other young men from another country…Vietnam. To be able to bring patience and humility to the insight of the harm we do to ourselves, other humans and other species…that is where transformation may actually occur. And it is a marathon. Every marathon goes best by taking just one step at a time. Today’s step is speaking up from an open heart and this man knows that he is not my enemy…yet, you have no permission to do that here at my home. To speak up without shooting out more poison, that is a skill that is much needed right now. Like any other thing, I trust it will get easier with practice.

I am about to go back to work….as a massage therapist at a four star lodge. I’ve been off over three months. Yet, my inner work has been at home…going deep, in prayer, in reflection, in ritual and honoring our connection; seeing if you were not there, I could not be here. So maybe, a better way to say it, is I am about to go back to the massage job. Living in the U.S., I am hoping those of us that are in the Great Pause from the nine to five are using it in a way that nourishes well being and wisdom…so the collective well being and wisdom in our culture can grow. I am deeply humble in knowing everyone is going through this time in a variety of extremely different conditions and called to different actions. So, bringing it back to me doing my work in my way.

Have to admit that I was not jumping up and down to go back to the massage job in the midst of a pandemic. After waiting over two and a half months to receive unemployment money there was a nanno second of terror about falling back off unemployment to go to work. Not knowing how busy it may or may not be. The graciousness of my employer is allowing me to ease back in. California is spiking in Covid cases, and the county I am in also has an increase in cases. As difficult as it has been at times to shelter in place alone, there has been this rich feeling of the long, much anticipated exhale. I feel the earth and many animal beings also enjoying the beautiful exhale. Ohhhh, there is pain from this, but there is a lot of good too. Thinking about going back caused rapid inhale and holding my breath.

Having moved through the auto reaction of panic, now I can embrace the opportunity to have a job, a structure with other people, and to be in service through my hands and energy. I don’t fear this virus personally, but I respect it. I respect what it has come to show us…the vast divide in how different people are supported or not supported in our society and the mind boggling divide currently plaguing our country. Personally, my journey back to work is another chapter in my journey of trusting the path right in front of me…one step at a time.

At first when I got the word, I was on the news pretty often. I knew already that we were opening stage 3 before actually meeting the suggested criteria of percentage of Covid cases (in my county). There was also a rise in cases statewide. So, I am not going in with eyes closed. Then the message came loud and clear, let go of what is going on out there and trust my intuition. Trust my intuition on asking for a bit more time and trust it to go back. My intuition is a pretty clear guide, and it says go back to work…but not as much. It is also saying rise high in the sky and keep a wide perspective…not getting caught in the small, reactive self. In the days leading up to the re entry, stay out of the news, and be in the present, local reality of my home. Feed joy.

We are in a liminal window…the in between times is a magic time. So, be mindful of what I am focusing on. Am I focusing on the number of Covid cases, or am I focusing on creating a beautiful space to write in and create magic from with others? Bottom line is I know that I don’t know. I don’t know how long this window will last…of being able/permitted to do massage, I don’t know how safe it is, I don’t know how it will feel to be back, until I am back. But I do know whatever I focus on grows. I am focusing on my gratitude for this opportunity to reset my life compass to my heart.

Do you know your best medicine? Particularly challenging times is an opportunity to discover what brings light, joy, and aliveness into your eyes. Also, know how to come out of inner panic or anxiety if/when it arises. My medicine bag has some of the same things…being in nature, being with animals and trees and sometimes the ocean breeze. Like many of us, I stayed close to home during most of this time. So I went deeper and deeper with the same land…some trees are elder friends who sheltered me with unconditional love and acceptance and helped me be stable . Then there are the animals that are drawn to my space. I love them. I have had regular breakfast dates with my friend the jack rabbit…on the sand dune behind my house. Part of having stability to re enter my job, is to appreciate the safety and beauty of my home base and to know it is there for me.

Then there is to be aware of possible pitfalls of re-entry. Oh the blind spots! Again, intuitive messages are how I self correct. Sometimes not so subtle. I was hiking in one of my favorite nature spots just reveling in the beauty, when my body started to panic as I saw several folks walking… “Oh-Oh…there’s PEOPLE!” I literally started bolting by them as fast as possible and then splat. Down I go, tripping and falling on the ground and telling them sheepishly, ‘yeah, I’m okay.’ Some might think that is about Covid, but it isn’t, it’s just the panic that can arise from being around people. We can make anyone into an ‘other’, we can make entire groups (black youth, police, republicans, people who don’t wear masks, super rich people) into an ‘other’ often without knowing it. In that moment, I made an ‘other’ of those sweet people that were just out hiking too. The heart/mind of othering is kind of the same no matter who gets the label. I scraped my knee, felt mildly embarrassed…but more than anything I got the guidance…stop running from humans! Notice any auto aversion and go back to that open hearted space!

More guidance came through on that mega hike. Every time I thought about what another therapist might be doing with their hours, or coming back, or not coming back…again, I got tripped up. Literally, my hiking boots snagged onto one and other and I almost fell again. I am in a deep place of listening, so I knew immediately that was a sign. Putting energy out on what other people are or are not doing in these times will trip me up. It was inner guidance. I am working on transforming that habit and just staying true to my own path one step at at time.

Don’t expect anything to be the same now, it’s not. Holding space for all these different perspectives, for all of these different parrallel realities without having to impose my view on another…is something that feels increasingly important. Been there, done that and noticed it did not lead to warm and cozy feelings. What I feel is obvious…like this is a spiritual awakening time for us to re arrange our priorities and come into right relation with each other, the earth and beings that support our existence…that is my view. That is not THE view. Though, sometimes I go to… “duh, how can you not see that?” While another person might be, “why the heck aren’t you out in the street if you care about justice?” Or another might be, “I’m not wearing no damn mask!” As I head out of my tiny shelter in place home bubble, I am grounding into knowing we are all in these different webs of experience…like always. Now is the time to really make space in myself to include all of it, honor all of it.

Some people have not had a chance to slow down at all. Some have been working their butts off in difficult conditions. Some people are cooped up in houses with tons of people and going nuts wanting private space. Some people planted gardens, spent tons of time with their kids and did art. Some people love their jobs so much it’s been agony to be away. Some people have lost loved ones unexpectedly from Covid or some other event and are in shock and grieving. When I remember a wider perspective, like the soaring turkey vulture gliding far above all of it, there is an ease in being with all the differences in peace. Then it’s just take this one step in my reality and rest easy knowing deep down, all is well.

Any body else out there wondering what is next? Personally, collectively, in our country, in work places, family or society? Bee in the moment is the message of Bee to me. Covid times are great, advanced training in embracing uncertainty, infact the only certainty is things are uncertain. Reweaving that wisdom into my body and heart/mind is the new breakfast drink of champions.

Even though the certainty of uncertainty, is there…so is the certainty of natural cycles and rhythms. Spending time in nature is the perfect anti dote to fear or anxiety attached to the unknown. Somewhere deep in our collective conditioning we have been trained to fear the unknown and therefore try and control it. The desire to be safe, to get away from the wild man-eating ant eater who is hoovering up tiny humanoids at an alarming pace, is an ancient strand embedded in our dna. Okay, maybe it wasn’t an ant eater, but we are working on using our imagination in more creative ways.

The cycles of life and death are a dance that makes life more precious. To know life is fleeting is to say what there is to say now, rather than putting it off until it feels more comfortable. To have beings you love die unexpectedly, before you were ready…is the great awakener to love now.

The river of life continues to flow, Covid 19 or no Covid 19. The river of life includes the humans but it is not exclusive to humans. The river includes the bees and the trees and the seas and the Asian humans and the Hispanic humans and the African American humans and the white ones and Indiginous ones….and…and…and. The river is not made of one drop. The river is not made of one species. And the river is a flowing river of time…times, on an earth that is 4.6 billion years old.

Walk in nature and feel your feet. Bring your presence down from the crazy cabeza (head) that has a gerbil on a tread mill running full speed into circular thinking about what the heck is coming around the corner and “how do I fortify so “I” can survive?”

Just feel the earth instead. As venerable Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet.” As I do that, I find my family, find communion with all of the other beings around me, allowing them to be just right where they are in the moment of encountering them.

On this morning’s walk, I met a grounded bee. He had wings, but he could not fly, yet he was not ready to die. So he was just walking, sometimes in circles, sometimes falling over on his back and then getting back upright. I held Bee in my hand and offered energy and prayer for a few moments. I knew he was not ready to die, so I gently set him down in a safer place and continued to walk on. Knowing that Bee was going to die…when he was ready and conditions no longer supported his life, I walked on in peace.

That is what walking consciously during Covid 19 times is like. There are structures that are not well, they are old, they have been built on something that no longer serves humanity, like racism, like eye popping income inequality, like dominating and violating the feminine… but those structures are still here and they are not quite ready to die.

This present moment is the liminal moment. The inbetween land, the land of the midwife and the hospice worker. Like Clark Kent who dove into the Phone Booth to change from ordinary reporter guy to super hero…some of us are walking between the worlds of witnessing that which is dying and making space for that which is not yet ready to be born. Millions of us are awake to the opportunity of this present moment invitation.

Personally, I take it back to just Bee Ing. Watching my breath come in and out with my awareness and feeling the earth beneath my feet, I ground into now. I saw another bee on my walk, buzzing around doing it’s bee thing. Young, strong, vibrant, and alive; it was in a different stage. And my heart smiled to that bee too. It was also saying bee here now, enjoy the gifts that are present.

How did you feel about 2020 before it started? Did you have high hopes, great dreams and plans? Now that half of the year is already over, and the solstice just passed…are there some ashes in the corner of those plans and schemes that had been rolling around your heart? And are there perhaps some new shoots of joy that you have nourished in unexpected sheltering time? Letting go, sometimes even grieving what has been turned upside down, inside out and disappeared as a possibility before our eyes can make room for the new.

I found some wings on my path during a hike not too long ago. Four wings to be exact; dragon fly wings. No body, just wings. It reminds me a little bit of this year, the body of this year has/is dissolving into a Covid Sheltering, protests rising, and life as we know it disappearing…no body. But the wings, the glimmering, shimmering, perfectly formed wings capture the possibility of taking flight into a new reality. That new reality will either be created by default and auto reactions, or it will be created and nurtured by imagination and love. I choose the latter. That must be why I noticed these perfect wings. Most people would not have noticed them, or picked them up or reflected with joy on the sheer awesomeness of encountering four perfect dragon fly wings in the middle of the forest. Only a child could do that. The child in me.

I held them up to the light in awe, walked a few feet and held them again at a different angle. It was a sacred moment and I knew I wanted to honor the wings by taking them to water. Dragon flies love water. Passing people on the trail they had no idea of the delicate treasure I was holding in my hands. It was a secret of course, I’m not sharing my dragon fly wings.

It reminded me that anything is possible. Dragon flies have been around for 300 million years and they obviously found ways to adapt to ever changing earth conditions. We can do that too. In fact, we must do that. If we want to hang around the planet like the lizards and the dragon flies have, we will need to reinvent ourselves. So finding the wings reminds me to reconnect to my best dreams. The ones that are not based in survival fear, but the ones that come from heart. So half way through 2020 is the perfect time to look at what I want to take flight in this decade and beyond. After our society has been brought to its knees by an invisible virus, what a perfect time to find our wings.

The passion of life is what helps us fly. My passion is bringing the awareness of the sacred, simple things in nature that we have forgotten give us life. Like water. I brought the wings back to the water and released them home. Sometimes I sing to the rivers to honor the water. Everyone needs the water. So I want to thank those things we take for granted in such a profound way. Singing is a way to say thank you for what gives us all life.

For a species to continue on into the future that kind of awareness of what gives us life, is helpful. Dragonflies love water, it is part of what gives them life. So do trees, and deer, and hawks, and humans, we all need water. So for dragon fly wings to exist, water must too.

I think of wings as finding those things that so feed your soul that your heart feels so light it could take flight. And that would be connecting to all the living things other than just me that are out there to see. Once we start connecting with different species, they also participate in the dance of energy. Any being, human…animal…or plant; love to receive attention. Most do anyways, and there is a connection that can be felt. I have learned to ask, ‘can I step into your energy?’ and this is a respectful way to connect. Now I notice that it is like building a relationship with anyone, they will start to want to hang out with you. All kinds of different beings.

Time for listening to what lights the heart up the most. My wings, are in the wind, and the water. My wings are in the flowers and the clouds. My wings are in the grass and the rocks. This particular day, my wings were on my path…saying wake up! Don’t you know you can fly?

Bring your heart to the river and let the water flow through, washing away that which is no longer serving. It’s that time. Our minds will not get us to the next level of harmony, for that we need to sink into the heart. It starts and ends with heart.

As I have lost a loved one recently, I realized that crying, simply the act of letting tears flow is love in action. It is cleansing, and it is a relief. There is so much to grieve right now. Yet, grief can’t be forced to rise, but we can embrace it, we can give it permission and we can honor it. The habit is to do the opposite, to BE STRONG, to not look, to run really hard into some project that can consume us. But our hearts need tending in this profound time of loss and transition. I am only speaking for myself, I know not everyone is in this same place. We are all in different places. But we are ALL in a huge transition. One way of living has disappeared quickly and now we are in the liminal stages. The in between lands. And for the journey in that land, I want my heart open. I don’t want to be stoic or controlled and controlling.

Come to the river, let the heart song ripple across the water. Come back to nature, come back to the places within that have been abandoned in this lifetime and perhaps longer. Those are the wounds to take into the river. Water is flowing, it does not judge, it does not condemn, it does not praise, it flows. It gives life, without boasting, without bragging, it gives all of us life. We have forgotten. We have forgotten trees give us breath and water gives us life and sunshine allows all green things to grow. We have forgotten how to live in harmony with nature, with the elements and with each other…but we are beginning to remember that, so all things are possible.

Can you see yourself with the eyes of compassion and humility, warts and all? Because the collective warts are making themselves known right now. Our hypocrisies, our discrimination, our privileges, our systemic violence. The danger is to think, it is all out there and none of it is in here. It would not be out there if it was not also in here…if we have ears to hear. Can I listen to those who oppose my views? Can I be open to seeing my own blind spots? Can I hear the parts of myself that have been belittled or denied? If I cannot be gentle with myself, how can I be gentle with my family, my neighbors, or my friends?

When the winds are really blowing hard and a storm is brewing…watch the tops of the trees swaying, bending in the wind back and forth. Then look down at the trunk of the tree…and the roots going down into the depths of the earth, giving solidity and stability. Those winds of change are blowing hard right now. The energetic field of polarity is like a strong storm brewing in every part of our nation. Tree tops are toppling, people are resigning because of a tweet. Reactions that have no wisdom are causing rifts in families, or friendships. But also, people are stepping into action with others they may never have before. People are standing up for one and other. People are speaking up that have not before.

In the storm, the tops of the trees are like our head, our mental looping thoughts, our commentary, our opinions, our reactions. They don’t bring us any stability, they are predictable and unpredictable at the same time. Egoic mental machinery is invested in being right and hitting back. It is a volatile time right now and an important time to bring calm to the storm. The energetic field is very polarized. The wounds that have been long unheard, unhonored, unrecognized have become visible for all who are willing to see. What better time to learn to dance with the shadow than when it is right in front of us?

I heard the gentle voice within say to me after I did my daily ritual of cleaning the bird bath, filling it with fresh water and blessing the water for the birds; “What would your human relationships look like if you showed them that kindness and consistency?” The voice of my ego would berate me. No this voice was gentle, loving and curious. But potent. I have not forotten it.

Where do I make an “other” of another? When we are stuck in making an other of another, there is often some kind of deep wound…where the balm of forgiveness could be applied. Or, it could be inherited B.S. (belief system). Whatever the case, it is time to be doing deep work if we want to call in a new dream for future generations that honors all life and all races. Sometimes it is through the death of a loved one that we are called into that deep kind of work, where false beliefs can be brought into the light and released. I have had a death of a loved one, and millions also witnessed a death recorded by a 17 year old of a handcuffed black man face down in the street. What would have happened if a teenager had not witnessed and recorded that killing? How would that have been treated if it was a white person face down handcuffed and suffocated in the street? This is our collective call to shadow work. We all may do it in different ways. Where have we been frozen in denial, or disregarding something as not my problem because it is too damn big or not in my personal bubble? It starts and ends with heart…if I look there and listen, I will be guided. We need elders in every community that are speaking truth and listening from the wisdom and humility of the heart. From practicing stillness with ourselves, we will be able to hear what is difficult and painful within us, and bring that solidity to the pain in others around us now. The river is flowing, it can help us cleanse, it can help us release, it can also renew and it nourishes all forms of life.

Last words of a dying man…..

…..”It’s my face man
I didn’t do nothing serious man
please
please

please I can’t breathe
please man
please somebody

please man
I can’t breathe

I can’t breathe

please
(inaudible)
man can’t breathe, my face
just get up
I can’t breathe

please (inaudible)

I can’t breathe sh*t
I will

I can’t move

mama

mama

I can’t

my knee
my nuts
I’m through

I’m through

I’m claustrophobic
my stomach hurt
my neck hurts
everything hurts

some water or something
please

please
I can’t breathe officer

don’t kill me
they gon’ kill me man

come on man

I cannot breathe
I cannot breathe

they gon’ kill me
they gon’ kill me

I can’t breathe

I can’t breathe
please sir

please

please

please

I can’t breathe”….

– George Floyd

Then his eyes shut and the pleas stopped. George Floyd was pronounced dead shortly after.

George Floyd may your road into the light be blessed…

may the violence of your death awaken us to the systemic racism killing so many black men and boys. May I, and other white people, have the courage speak up to interrupt the cycle of systemic racism whenever and where ever we see it. Silence is complicit.

Even if we are healthy and well, it is hard not to be aware of the tens of thousands of others that are currently dying from Covid 19 in the U.S. During these times, especially if you are unemployed, a question might be…what is mine to do at this time? A call I felt was the morning practice of seeing those on the front line in their strength and their light, in their health. Front lines, by the way, doesn’t just mean medical people…it could be ware-house workers, grocery store clerks, farm workers. But even more than those prayers, I was drawn to help those dying transition. No being needs to die without knowing their life has been honored, that they are not alone, and can be sung home…so to speak. People or animals alike, this is a call that is just part of my life work during these times….done remotely, of course.

But life has a funny way of inviting us to look again at what is ours, and to reprioritize. And this past week I had the painful awareness I left out of my daily practice one living under my own roof. It is one of the most painful wake up calls I have ever received. Yet, those can be the most powerful.

I adopted my kitten in December, Chestnut is/was super playful heart companion. He walked up the stairs with me every single time I went up or down stairs, he slept on the pillow next to my head, and he was the best brother to my Pitbull since he was a tiny tot. When he had trouble breathing, the spca said, try and wait rather than go in (the beginning of this Covid Shelter in), to keep everyone safe. My intuition didn’t match that, but I waited. Then when they didn’t open back up after the first two weeks, I took him to the emergency vet when he once again was having trouble breathing and lost his voice. In the crash course of alternate realities I realized Curbside Vet care sucks a lot emotionally. Chestnut came back home with me after I was told, “I hope he doesn’t die in the car”. After both of us had been traumatized, the last thing I wanted to do was go curbside again. The steroids helped his meow come back and he seemed to be breathing much better. So I put it out of my mind, and made up he was better…better enough for now.

In the mean time, I kept up my morning prayer practices for my human family and friends and lots of people I don’t even know, and particularly the earth. Knowing from the beginning, this time can be a spiritual awakening has motivated me to rise up even when feeling down. I worked on getting physically and emotionally solid. Eventually, it got easier and easier to actually feel good…but all the time, my Chestnut was feeling worse and worse, though he only showed it by sleeping more and more.

Walking in nature is a morning ritual for me and one morning, this turkey vulture was waiting for me at the top of a hill. I love these birds that glide between life and death and greet them with joy, I however, didn’t realize it was an omen. That afternoon I found a big lump in my kitten’s neck…my heart sank, I immediately called the vet and was told to come in that evening…again it has to be curbside though I asked for a different doctor. This doctor seemed more professional, seemed less alarmist and told me he had something that needed to be drained, I can’t even remember the word now. Later she called me and said Chestnut could stay there because they are running late and come in the morning to pick him up.

A little after midnight I woke up to the call from the doctor telling me, “Unfortunately, Chestnut died.” I didn’t really hear much after that because after yelling into the phone I hung up on her. Then I went down to my altar and sang my own cat home, thanking him for all the gifts he had given me, telling him how much I love and appreciate him and letting him go. This is honorable closure ritual, what I had been doing for months for those I have never met. This time though, tears were streaming down my face. The anger/rage at the vet dissolved into a puddle. I was still in shock, then the anger turned inward. “I have been focusing my prayers on people I don’t even know while my cat is sick!” I felt ripped off that I didn’t have any chance to be with him, to hold him, to apologize.

The next morning, I immediately went to pick up his body and bury him myself in a sacred place. I was not stable enough to talk to the vet and said I’d call to talk with her when I was. I knew just the place I wanted to lay him to rest and carried him in a travel box out early in the morning. I have never buried a cat, but it was such a beautiful thing to do for him in this place. Sobbing and digging, I also laid a picture of my mother in with his body. I adopted Chestnut on my mother’s birthday. She died without me saying goodbye on the other side of the country two years ago. I never saw her body or her ashes. I felt this was a way to honor both of them with a goodbye. Really letting tears come through is like a liquid way to say…”I love you SO MUCH!”

After his death was the space of painful self reflection. Why had I pretended he was okay when he was really not okay? Because I was afraid to see him die at the vet? Why die so young? A waterfall of emotions flowed through and accompanying stories about what a horrible person I was and how I had failed in every possible way imaginable. One thing that was not there, was anger at the vet. That just disappeared after I buried him. Why feed anger at someone, he is dead. (Not sure why that didn’t apply to myself.)

After some days I had the courage to connect with the vet. “Tell me what happened…” She explained how during a low risk routine procedure he stopped breathing, that he died very early in the procedure and they could not bring him back. Then she explored surgically and found another growth the size of a golf ball that would have been necessary to remove surgically and recovery would have been questionable. Chestnut checked out. I knew from the first conversation that the Dr already felt horrible. Just like I felt horrible. So why and try and make her feel more horrible. Rage doesn’t change that he died, and I didn’t really intuit that it was her fault, even though his death shocked both of us.

Every single disempowering belief about myself though, has come up to the surface and it has been a non stop journey of embracing all of those hurtful stories about myself until they dissolve, or take a rest. Chestnut, was a nut. He was playful, loving, comedic, smart, affectionate, and the biggest gift. He loved me and I loved him in a huge way; so I am quite sure he would not want me to be hating me. Out beyond ideas of right and wrong, there is a field…I’ll meet you there. And I’ll bring the catnip. There is not a time now, that I will forget the ones that live in my own home in my prayers…be they human or creatures. Maybe, even during Covid 19, starting at home is the most important place to focus. Right now, allowing time to grieve and celebrate his life is my priority. The other priority is allowing all the old B.S. (belief systems) that have risen into my conscious awareness from this happening be seen for what they are, old machinery in need of updating.

Spirit messages come through when the mind is quiet enough. After carpet cleaning my stairway twice to help handle the pain of his loss, this message came through.

‘The best way was quick like this, trust me my dear. this was for your own benefit and for his.’

Trusting life and embracing death is a dance, and in Covid times we could spend a good chunk of life fighting against how it is or how it shouldn’t have happened that way, or who or what there is to blame out there or in here. But that is not the dance, the dance is embrace what is so and accept it, whatever it looks like. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Move through stages naturally and bless the good that I have now and that I had with him…with gratitude.

Can you see the Tree in me? I can hear the dear in you. Can we feel the breeze blow through, making the flowers dance and the grass sing? Can we feel the sunlight sink into fluttering butterfly wings, or onto flower peddles rolled up tight in the morning dew? Where have we gone in this mechanized tumult of going from here to there with accellerated speed and perhaps unconscious greed?

Have we gone in circles spiraling down? Now there is a chance, an invitation to begin a new dance, where we can feel in from a different view. If I look closely enough, I can see me in you. There has been confusion in the land of delusion that says I am this and only this. And you are that, perhaps with labels like Republican or Democrat. When we hear the word, if we are not the same, we may look for them, “the other”, to dump on blame. The boxes are many, the labels are too…I am essential, how about you? No not really, but without you I could not eat, and with you working, I send you peace.

Where is your focus? Where is your gaze? Has Covid 19 caused you to glaze? What do you use, when you need to cut through, the thick energy and foggy haze? Whatever we feed will grow up taller, are we feeding love or something smaller? Channels of fear are handy and frequent, but divining trust is something translucent. Some now will battle, to express their rage, others will quietly turn a new page; and look deeply before writing a word, we know this is the time to weave new stories yet unheard.

When you feel tired, when you feel sad, come back to gentle kindness…ask it to hold your hand. No gloves needed, no mask either. Lie on the ground and just be there. The sun will feed you, without any charge. The stars will delight you, if you look high. Flowers grow without worry, water flows with ease. If we listen deeply we can embrace even this disease.

4.6 billion years the earth has been spinning. Many have come and gone but the earth is still giving…for those who know of the ancient ways, we say thank you at the dawn of a new day. Smiling to the sun that lands on the lizard, he tells me to learn the art, of listening through the heart. Not the head, where the dead old stories lie.

Can you hear the truth in your heart? This can be doing your part. No need to hate or berate or deride. WE are weaving together a new tide, that can uplift life. Every single species, and generations to come will, will know we sang for them, new dreams of honor. To act with love, in quiet days, seen or unseen has power. Every being can dance, every child can sing, interspecies connection, and right now an awakening.