It’s that familiar time of year in Monterey County when there is the 2023 Pebble Beach Concourse de Elegance car show extraordinaire, when thousands of people flock to the area to look at cars and drive specialty automobiles all over the place. Now, the fact that record heat waves are happening all over the country doesn’t phase rich car enthusiasts who still come. It’s not a concern that shipping cars in from all over the country and world contributes to climate change in a massive way, as well as the air travel of so many people attending the car show. I don’t get it. But not getting it and stepping out every year from my job to go on my own ‘not playing car show’, strike…may or may not make any difference.

Writing two paragraphs in the local paper, saying let’s connect the dots now between our consumption and carbon footprint and the trajectory we are headed…and the fact that car shows should be obsolete now given our collective situation. Humph! Of course these small actions feel completely ineffective and mainly just give me something to do to channel my inner angst energy.

But only just this morning, I found myself ‘shopping’ not for fancy cars but for distractions. I want not only to not be here during the car show, but I want to feed my passion of being in nature and observing wild life close up. I was looking on line at Denali National Park. One of my bucket list destinations, Alaska wildlife and nature exploration. But not only was it insanely expensive, over $1k a night (?), but I also saw the hypocrisy rising of me hating the car show for the collective carbon footprint and my own desire to make a quick exit to some place far away, which of course would make what? A Carbon footprint. Yes, I have passions too…they may not be golf and a porsch, but here I was looking at traveling for my passions as well. All there was to do was to smile at my own hypocrisy and see it with gentle eyes.

You know in such a polarizing times as now, when democrats and republicans make enemies of each other, some actual catching glimpses of our own shadow in action is a refreshing if not humbling revolution. Yes, the car show in Monterey every year makes me cringe….even though I know it is good for ‘the economy,’ but in every other way looks quite insane to me. But how can I catch a glimpse in the mirror of people doing what we do, without making them out to be the other?

I have no clue really how to do that because I am still plotting my escape from the congested streets that will be over run with wealthy car hobbyists. Maybe it is to simply witness how easy it is to make an other of someone with values, likes and passions that differ radically from my own. That very seductive self righteous indignation energy…”Don’t you get it, the fricken planet is burning up!”, while on the other hand…I want what I want too, it just is different what I want. I want nature, I want animals to be healthy and have beautiful places to live that are still wild. I want us to live in harmony with the earth and wake up. That very underbelly belief that what I want is a more worthy passion than cars.

One thing I know for sure, if someone is talking to me like they think I am a stupid, ignorant idiot that is destroying the planet, there is a very good chance I won’t really be able to hear a single word that person has to say. Introspection isn’t always pleasant, but maybe it can cause some shifts…outer and inner. Big exhale while contemplating my navel.

Carbon food for thought…all I know now is that I’m not going to Denali National park at this particular moment. But I likely will drive out of this town during that week. Perhaps through some places with record heat and my dog, co pilot. Or, maybe I will just clean the darn house (inner and outer) and batch cook. The world is full of possibilities, carpe a carshowless diem!

Sometimes it is a humbling thing to see a trail I’ve done a million times takes more time and I need to be gentler than usual…but then all that means is more time in beauty. What’s the rush? It is a day off, and there is nowhere to go, and nothing to do…except take this next step and then the next one and the next one.

I knew right away I felt light headed and just needed to go way slow. Up, up, up one step at a time. It took twice as long as it usually takes me. The first ones to greet me were my friends the Turkey Vultures…beyond a number I could count they were gliding in and out of the fog at the base of the mountain. Unusual to see so many of them. Omen? Turkey vultures know how to ride the currents with ease, they can climb enormous heights in the blink of an eye and like wise they can descend on those same currents just as fast. They don’t kill anything, they eat things that have already died and decrease disease. They are one of my allies…and I know they like this land as much as I do. It makes me smile to see them, and I feel welcomed on my hike right away. They moved out of the fog and flew North into the sun. I had been in the question of whether to take a road trip North soon, so I paid attention to this detail.

At first I didn’t even know if I could do it this time. That thought just passed through like a breeze. What voices we listen to make all the difference in challenging circumstances. I was taking refuge in things much bigger than me from the first step. And I was connecting with allies all along the way. As a single person, it always is such a strong knowing that none of us are ever alone. The question is, are we paying attention to who else is in the neighborhood? When you get to know your land and the beings that live on that land, there is a beautiful dance of awareness of each other, and honoring of each other. Even if it isn’t land, but sky.

This year this hike has been epic. I have done this hike in Big Sur over a decade in all different conditions and all different times of year. The super bloom this year was an experience of a lifetime, but going through the same land and seeing the Lupine fest has faded and that different flowers that I have never seen before are sprouting while other ones I have never seen before are dying. It is all a reminder of the seasons and ebb and flow of all life forms.

The rains also have made this hike a bit more challenging and I call on my friends the lizards all of the time. I have found any creature likes to be acknowledged, and most of them are quite curious. I don’t mean saying, hello…how are you. I mean energetically. While I was stooped down taking pictures of a lizard that was engaging with me a lady with poles went by me. Then she went back down…too hot, too steep, too much. And that was one of about four people I saw in six hours. So back to the lizards. I saw about 30 of them, easily. Probably more. I’ve had lizards walk right into the palm of my hand, like with humans, they know when someone likes them. When I am on dicey terrain I call in lizard feet, that are tacky and sure footed. It helps me be more stable and not fall.

I wonder how many million years they have been around? We walk this earth but how often do we wonder about all the beings who live in the earth? When I am going slow, when I am doubled over catching my breath, I am having time to see all the lizard holes.

When I am hiking with a friend, of the human persuasion, we are talking a mile a minute and these nuances just are invisible. Other gifts, like friendship and kinship with a fellow nature sister happen, but connecting with all the animals and insects and wind…that happens more deeply when I walk alone. The humility that I actually had to stop and sit down…like that never happens…also was teaching me. The rocks were hot, and I got a glimpse of climate change. Because we are right on the coast, it is not that super hot…not even 90. So that thought floated through, then I came back to the present moment.

Do you have time to just sit on a bench? I usually don’t take time to just sit on a bench. I usually cruise right by the benches in life and get on with it. I see the benches, but when I have more energy than today I have no interest in parking my butt on a bench. But on this particular day…I was lusting the bench that I knew awaited me at the crest (not top) of a hill. I said to myself…I am gonna sit my butt down on that bench and eat and drink and look out on the beauty. Now that is not my normal. Of course of the four people out there today, two of them were casually chatting on my bench. I claimed a rock hovering over the bench, until they left. So funny the one time of many, many, many times it is occupied. Smile to life. We chatted about other hikes and the man was returning to Belgium tomorrow. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live near such amazing beauty. I like to hang my hat in beauty.

After some trail mix and water I felt a lot more energy. Those details matter. The wind was blowing and I took a wind bath and could feel any sticky energy just being removed by this fresh beautiful breeze. The bench is not the top. There is still another 40 minutes of climbing to the top, but the rest and food and water gave that oomph I needed. I was carrying a heavier load than usual because I wanted to bring all of my rock friends to soak in the stream and I also am into photography now and brought a second lens. I felt like a pack mule today.

But made it to the top. Planted my butt down again on another rock and just looked out on the beauty. Saw more magic, soaked it all up. Rested again. Watched the clouds nestling up against the coast. Watched the fog roll over some of the hills. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, just take in the beauty.

It occurred to me that I could have been at work today. Because a coworker at my new job asked me to work for her today…and I was so grateful I said no. The cool thing is, my intuition was correct that someone else would cover for her so she could have her own adventure. One of my most cherished things in this world is connecting with nature. So keeping it a priority, even if I’m out of shape, even if it’s hot, and I’m feeling humbled…is a win. Some day, this will be part of my livelihood, and as I trecked up and down I had the deep knowing that time is coming. In the meantime I’m just grateful to have the physical health to be out there, and the desire to be out there more.

When you are connected and honor mother nature all kinds of miracles unfold before your eyes, from noticing which plants are new this year to seeing the big bumble bees enjoying a nose dive into these new flowers. Butterflies, bees, blue damsels, birds, lizards, flowers…and a few humans. At the top I saw a gentleman coming up from the other side. He said, “this is paradise, we are just here for a short time…” He was Italian. Yes, we are just here for a short time so do what brings joy and share your joy with others. Be like the bee and dive into beauty head first.

One of my favorite things to do is to sing to the water and soak my rocks in the stream. We are lucky to have water because water is the source of all life. To have the time to soak my feet and my rocks in the water is such a gift. I call in all the land ancestors, the ones who knew how to live in harmony with the earth, water and air. I give thanks to the the stream. My rocks are so happy to come out that they kind of explode in all directions and I don’t know if I’ll be able to retrieve them all. No worries though. Putting things in moving water like that cleanses them energetically and if the rocks are like my feet…it also just makes them happy to be in the stream. It is revitalizing. My feet were hot and hurting, cold water is magic.

So that’s my day and now I’m ready to sleep. Thank you Mother Earth for all of your gifts and treasures. May I never take them for granted and thank you for the joy of sharing your beauty with others.

They say forgiveness is the way to freedom but before we can forgive there is to simply recognize an unhealthy situation and naming it as such, then finding ways out of it. Because forgiveness is easier once the things that piss you off stop happening. It is harder when day after day, or perhaps every other day there is more yuck stuff. Sometimes I see I have become so comfortable with the very uncomfortable that it takes a super yuck moment for me to finally be willing to say…’Enough of this BS!’ And after the initial, “This is so wrong….” there is a, “This is so RIGHT because I’m finally exiting the building.”

The only way back home is to give myself permission to come back home. And I don’t mean a physical building…I mean the space in my heart where I can breathe in and out and have that peaceful exhale of knowing I”m creating a safe environment for myself to BE home. The saying “insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting a different result,” puts the responsibility on me to see that there has been insanity. I wrote the first paragraph in this blog draft weeks ago, before quitting a job that has lots of perks…good pay, beautiful land, some lovely coworkers, but that had so many yuck moments that I had normalized and tolerated over the past year, for the security of money. How many of us have done that to varying degrees at different times in our lives?

Leaving a job that has paid all of my bills in an area that is expensive to live is one of the more courageous things I’ve done lately. I’m grateful for the Yuck moments, because without so many of them, I certainly would have stayed another week, another month, another year when leaving is the kindest action I can take for mySelf. And instead of staying for more predictable moments, I got a new job in a safer energetic environment and am sitting on my bed next to a snoring dog taking a Paws Moment.

I might even order pizza in. Oh My the decadence of self care. Paws Moments are divine gifts from the Goddess of All is Well land. Where coming home means I get to choose a new path and trust that all is well. Certainly I am the one who chose to stay as long as I stayed for reasons that made sense, just like I’m the one who just splurged for pizza to be delivered (haven’t done that in a decade?) just now and am happily munching away while I write. The choices I make…little ones and big ones carve out my life adventure. And unplugging from Yuck is a choice I am honoring right now.

There were lots of beautiful moments over the years at my job too…but the snake when it is time to shed doesn’t think, “Oh, maybe I’ll shed my skin later…” or, “maybe I”ll shed this part but not that part…I like that old skin on my tail…” This was like that. In an unexpected, “I’m done” moment I gave notice. All the survival mind’s plans to test out the new place (I had gotten a different job because I had seen the writing on the wall) and keep a foot in the old place went out the window. I found myself exiting a week later and saying a goodbye to some tearful coworkers, and saying hello to my new co workers in my new job the next day. Shift is here now, yahoo.

Now it is two weeks later, and I’m in this kind of twilight zone of realizing I’ve opened the door consciously to my biggest dreams coming through. Like the glamor of writing a blog post on my bed, chowing down vegetarian pizza that was delivered by some kid to my door while my dog snores next to me. Now THAT is living the dream.

Back to forgiveness…sometimes we stay in relationships that are not healthy or no longer fit, because we are afraid of ending them. Whether it is a relationship with a job, a manager, a boyfriend, a friend, a family member…it takes courage to do something different. I was afraid that the unknown will be worse than what has been going on. So forgiveness…or compassion, begins with seeing I put myself through this past year by choosing again and again to go back into a situation that was less than healthy for me. Thinking over and over that it had turned the corner, I kept going back in for the financial security and stability. I thought I could transform it.

I could say a lot more about the nature of what happened, the causes, the stories I could tell…but that is not the point. The point is to celebrate the shift and be mindful in the new job to keep space for those things that make me feel most alive. We are the keepers of our own happiness, and it is my job to craft a life that supports my health, happiness, and well being while creating space for my service to others. Part of that service to others is writing. Part of that service is guiding others in adventures of transformation of heart, and it is in that spirit that I share the story of my shedding what was for what can be.

There are moments in life, when we actually have the opportunity to slow down. For millions, that was during the Pandemic, but for many of the rest of us…the Pandemic was also busy. I”m not a health care worker, but the Spa where I work as a massage provider moved treatment tables outside and we were one of the only spas open in my county. It was busy then…very busy, for a long time. So now, as I sit at my desk, I am exhaling a joyful….extraordinarily Grateful out breath.

I thrive with spaciousness. As we get to know our selves…not the selves we think we should be, but the selves we actually are right now; there is that gift of self care available. Sometimes it comes from finding out what really doesn’t work for us. Because when we know what doesn’t work for us, what doesn’t water the seeds of joy, we can pivot. Having time to do nothing, it’s not popular in this country or culture. It can look lazy, it can look lost, but to me right now…it feels like rolling around in a bed of flowers and seeing the vast and wide open sky. I am so much more than this body, I am so much more than this linear life span, and I am so much more than my personal agenda. And that knowing makes me grin ear to ear.

Spaciousness for a person who likes to make to do lists every day, and every week…it is like the paradox of undoing the doing machine. Inviting in the great mystery, and knowing my doingness is not the magic right now. Yes, there are things to do, but the spaciousness is the magic. And holding back the inner critic who has all kinds of opinions…or just nodding to that voice that babbles on it’s perpepetual droll…like nodding to a small child babbling all of the gifts she wants from Santa Claus. Rather than getting a third job at McDonalds because maybe they have benefits, I can just nod to that part of me that wants to keep me safe and make sure I don’t turn into a bag lady living under a bridge.

Seeing our cultural programming and being able to rewire from within to a higher and more joyful inner program is a conscious choice. And that is part of why I am here. To do that first for myself, with others, and then to be able to help others far and wide rewire their energetic patterning. It is an inner knowing I have had for a long, long time…but the Egoic part of me keeps forgetting why I am here on the planet. Running in circles trying to find my soul purpose, because it can’t possibly be to just clean my house and take my dog for a walk. Or can it?

Working from home is a dream come true. Having energy and time to cook good food at home is a gift. But to see the dream is here right now, that it is my present reality…right now…takes waking up from the trance that I should be somewhere else doing something more important than cleaning the toilet. Like I should already be helping others along their transformational paths, rather than decluttering old journals. That grace is absent until I can embrace the joy of this life right here and now. That’s when I can wake up to the fact…this is what I’ve wanted for a long, long time. It’s here…now. Don’t miss it.

I came down from Oregon to California almost fifteen years ago. I came down for a relationship and my boyfriend of the time was very supportive. He wanted to help me manifest my dream of being a published author and he was willing to pay most of the bills. When I arrived I did not know anyone, and I did not know the area. But you know what I felt I needed to do as soon as I arrived? Pay my fair share, so my focus was on getting a job. Rather than manifesting my dream of working in the vineyards of transformation and offering my gifts…my drive was to get a job. J.O.B. I didn’t want to be a free loader. So I tried to wedge myself into the places that were hiring during a recession.

I remember my boyfriend coming home from work at different times and that he was mystified that I didn’t take more time to explore places, or volunteer places. He was surprised I wasn’t using the freedom I had in a different, more enjoyable way. The pressure wasn’t from him, the pressure was from within to fill up that space. Now it is almost fifteen years later, we are no longer together and it has taken many transformations to be able to succeed on a single income.

But now I have enough, and I again find myself in transition. This time, I am keeping it open and spacious. I still have a job for my mind to know I am not going to die of starvation or not be able to buy kibble for my dog or cat litter. But this time, I am giving myself the gift of embracing spaciousness and seeing the divine grace that comes from keeping this liminal space open. That old saying, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result…” is true, but the unsaid part of that is that it takes courage to do something different and it takes wisdom and humility to see that I have been doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

When I open up space things rise to the surface too, like old wounds or feelings of unworthiness, shame or apathy. That’s why sometimes it’s easier for me to stay busy. Because even though having time looks like a luxury, it takes awareness to handle painful things that come up from deep down inside. Being able to look with the eyes of compassion at my coping tools helps me recognize and embrace the gift of spaciousness rather than stick more stuff in out of my automatic conditioning.

Divine discontent can push us towards our calling. Recently I have had the experience of reaching my, “I’m not doing this anymore…” point at my current job. That’s why it’s spacious, I have drastically cut my hours. The straw that broke the camels back was a long time coming, but I find the Universe has a way of getting louder if we are not listening or are procrastinating. It is like ignoring that you have outgrown a pair of shoes you love to wear and keep wearing them even though your toes are getting smooshed. It doesn’t occur there could be a new pair of favorite shoes awaiting you that actually fit perfectly.

My mind likes to make my employer wrong, but it’s better when I can see that the Universe is calling me forward to a new adventure. I didn’t quit, back to affording rent and kibble, but I’m making space and I’m actively calling in what is next. As if I ACTUALLY DO GET TO SAY WHAT IS NEXT. Imagine that. I forgot that I get to say. I get to say, and then I get to put in the structures to have what I say manifest. But if I never dare to dream or say, because of “failures” in the past…then I’m like lots of other folks caught in seeking security versus living life as the adventure it actually can be.

Graciousness comes from enjoying what is here right now and taking the pressure off of myself. It has led to me writing this blogpost, after not writing at all for a gazillion years. There is no there out there to get to, there is only here, and now. So breathe my dear, and enjoy this present moment…keep it spacious and enjoy the grace.

If I didn’t have a dog, I would not have gone out yesterday. Thank you dear Copilot for getting my butt out into the wonderful real world. Off electronics, off the couch and into the wild weather. Although, to be honest…Copilot, also know as Tollie, does have a thing for the dog bed (or human bed), and blankets, and the heater. Infact, right now he is enjoying all of those at once. So I can’t always count on that external motivator. The older we get together, the more comfort woos us in its’ sedentary ways. ‘Oh, it’s cold outside…wait til it’s warmer.’ ‘It’s wet, wait til it’s drier’, it’s…you get the idea.

But yesterday, in the midst of a down pour…we rallied. The funky-land that comes with too much indoor time was enveloping me so we jumped in the car and drove during the down pour to Asilomar beach. Otherwise known as, our happy place. One of them anyways. The weather Goddess of good fortune smiled and rewarded us with a small window of rainless time in which to play and pray.

Mamma ocean was rolling in with power and frothy wildness. So many creatures were out but very few people. In these times of anti depressants and anti anxiety medicines the blast of a cold wind just took my cares and worries away and replaced them with a wide, wild smile. Now this…is what I am here for. This moment right now, outside in the wild wind, watching the sets of waves crashing into rocks. Grey, dark clouds started to disippate and the glimmer of sun etched its’ way through. Like wise, I felt the brain fog of too much thinking and not enough being evaporate and the brightness of my spirit radiating joy.

I talk about loving the earth and how much time am I really out there? It seems I can get caught by the habit of waiting for a better time, better conditions, better me…to do those things which bring the most joy. But when I do actually do those things that bring the most joy, it’s like a breath of life force comes into my being and I have more to give.

This morning I found myself doing it again. “Oh, I’ll write after I clean out the refridgerator. Clean the toilet, mop the floor. I”ll write when I actually have something worth while to say…or remember how to get back on my own damn blog!” So the waiting for perfect is not just a weather game. It is a mind machine that chimes in its’ automatic voice on all kinds of topics. I’ll wait to start that new business until I actually feel like I know what I’m doing. I’ll wait to volunteer until I know the place to go. I’ll wait to lose weight until this one bag of potato chips and that ice cream are all gone. Yum.

I’m not into eating elephants, because I love them; but I guess it’s kind of like that analogy…’eat your elephant one bite at a time’. (Gross!). Or in this case…take an action instead of waiting even if it is a tiny little baby action. In the end I think the waiting thing is like anything…sometimes it is wise to wait. But if it is a habit to stay safe or comfortable or fill in the blank, don’t wait for perfect. Just dance in the midst of the cayous and imperfection.

My Inner Bear woman is grinning ear to ear. She knows that this is the time to hybernate, even though this particular bear lives in California. It has taken DECADES for the bear to be heard and honored. Because the human woman has been so programmed by our culture that it may be a good idea to slow down in a hypothetical way, but there are bills to pay….Lean In, and work more. Animals have more wisdom than humans in some ways because their inner knowing prevails, it is not discounted and discarded.

As a massage therapist, I get paid by the massage. No massage, no pay. Lots of massage, lots of pay. But I’m realizing that is just a role, and the inner knowing that, that role is transitory has led me to trust the goodness of slowing down in winter. Yes, winter is now. I have not stopped altogether but I am not Chasing more work in order to not live under a bridge.

Our ancestral programming lasts a lot longer than our ancestors actual living conditions. For example, I have heat, food, a safe place to live and clearly have enough. But the program that has run me for many years is it’s not safe to slow down. Or it may be even stupid to slow down because you won’t have enough later. So slowing down is like swimming upstream against the current of all those cultural and ancestral beliefs transmitted to me and that are definitely in the folks around me as well. This culture rewards a worker who does not stop, who goes the extra mile, who is the team player and fills in, but what about the cave woman who goes in a different direction? I’ve done both. It takes more courage and trust for me to slow down.

Celebrating the Joy of slowing down is liberating. It’s a slow time anyways right now (where I work) so instead of stressing about it not being enough, go with it being perfect for now. There are seasons in every life, and after over 12 years as a body worker, my inner wisdom of gifting myself a slower winter has prevailed. Finally. Thank you Goddess of Good things. Just hanging out at home is one of the sweetest joys for me. We all have different medicine at different times and mine right now is co creating with Spirit a home where I can birth new works of creativity with effortless ease. How pleasing that is to say out loud. Exhale.

Nature is my guide. And nature is constantly moving from one season to another. There are times for rest and replenishment. There are dormant times when you can’t see any progress being made. There are times of death and transitioning. Part of self care is realizing I can trust the seasons of life, the ebb and flow of energy. There is time to be solitary and a time to bask in community. We get to choose. My body and being guides me and trusting it is the gift of listening.

I’m aware that this culture is habituated in a different direction. That part of my emerging role is to remind myself and others how to align with nature. How to listen to themselves and honor what you hear from within. The direction of more is better, fear of not having or being enough and having sickness be the wake up call to slow us down is the way of the society I live in. There are lessons in all life experiences. But this moment, is all about the joy of plugging into a different paradigm that is more in harmony with my own nature. Plugging into a paradigm that does not fit the societal norms is my job right now. The joy I feel in this present moment reminds me of the joy that is available when we honor our inner nature. Life at a slower pace is not a bad thing, it can be a very beautiful and nourishing thing.

“I can see clearly now the rain is gone….I can see all the obstacles in my way…” Those of you a wee bit older than twenty or thirty something may recognize these song lyrics. I love when song lyrics pop in like a mantra. “It’s going to be a bright, bright, sunshiny day!” Yes there has been tons of rain, yes some folks have had to experience flooding recently, yes the rivers have been high and some roads and fields had standing water…but today is sunny. Now there is not as much of a draught as there was a week ago in California.

I love the rain. Having lived in Oregon for 14 years and now over that in California, I feel a sweet happiness when it is pouring rain. Outside or inside, I love the rain. Now I love the sun. The sun is always there even when it is raining. Hiding. Letting another element dance with the earth while Father sun takes a nap. Still shining of course, but not visible for some days where I live.

I get caught sometimes in the miniscule day to day stresses that may seem bigger than they actually are and that is when my breathing gets shallow. We learn our abc’s in this country but we do not learn how to breathe. We do not learn how to sit still, unless it’s part of our path to come across these things. They are more trendy now, then they were in the past. Mindful walking, mindful breathing, and being awake. In the last week there has been a collective energy of a whole bunch of folks doing shallow breathing, or no breathing. Holding their breath in a way, energetically. We are all connected so as I write this blogpost I am naming that collective energetic field that has been around where I live. It has been in me too. Watching news could make you hold your breath til your face turns blue because of the focusing on what could be the worst of the worst scenarios. I try and ween myself off news when I already know I have stress rising.

It was a massage therapist who first introduced me to belly breathing when I was receiving a massage on her table. That was many decades ago. I was working in Corporateland and was entrenched in those Corporateland beliefs. I was doing shallow breathing even on the massage table. She told me to breathe all the way down into my belly/lower abdomen. Now, I am a massage therapist and I ask my clients to take three slow deep breaths before receiving their massage. That can help get them out of their heads and into their bodies. Believe it or not, we are capable of receiving a massage and not even being present in our body if we are caught in our thinking.

So now I bring myself back to the breath. I can see my root teacher in my mind’s eye (Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh) saying, “Breating in, I am aware I am breathing in….” while bringing his open palm up to his chest with a slow inhale. Then, “breathing out, I’am aware I am breathing out…” and releasing his hand from his chest and bringing it back down. “In……Out” What a gift to cross his path in this lifetime and be able to spend time in his presence with lots of other folks learning how to breathe. That was like the opposite of this past week, a community of people mindfully breathing slow and deep together.

I know some big changes are coming down the road for me, I know that at a cellular level. It is that great big boogie man The Unknown, that we have been trained to fear since toddlerdom. Again, I have beautiful seeds transmitted to me from Thay (what students call Thich Nhat Hanh), and I can hear his voice quietly saying, “Hello my little fear! I know you are there, and I will take good care of you.” Just writing those words and reminding myself of his quiet and gentle presence actually brings tears of gratitude and love to my eyes. I am so blessed.

We are trained to deny any kind of uncomfortable emotions or shove them so far down that they do not have a chance to peep their little heads up out of the sand even for a nanno second. But there are other options. I saw that even after kundaline yoga practice and meditation this morning that I had some shallow breathing going on. That feeling in my chest like a bunch of bumble bees buzzing.

First thing is to be aware enough to actually see it. Second thing is not to judge it but simply witness it. Then you can bring your hand down to your lower abdomen and feel your abdomen with your hand. Bring your awareness to your breath and follow it all the way down to where your hand is on the lower abdomen. You will feel your abdomen expand with your hand and then deflate. I”m doing that right now, write now. This can be done, when I remember, with the energy of anger or frustration, not just anxiety. It can be done at a stop light to calm my nervous system. It can be done anywhere and it is free.

This is my sunday, big chore day, big to do list day. But at the very top of the list is to breathe, my dear. To tenderly embrace myself in this very moment with slow deep breathing. And smile.

I have heard it said, that to be a writer, you need to write. Aspiring writers, can continue to think about the day when all conditions line up magnificently and a holy grail moment bestows the RIGHT writing idea and then we write. You might ask yourself, as I am, what am I waiting for? To move from aspiring writer to writer is just to take a stand….”I”m a writer, right now.”

Now don’t get me wrong, writing those five words would not have me quit my day job at this point….although I could. There are no wrong choices, just different life experiences. It does however change the perspective from some day way in the future maybe there might be something of service born out of my wee lil writer’s womb…to it’s here and now baby. A vibrational shift has happened, out of a declaration.

What else happens when we set new goals and move towards our hearts greatest yearnings? Well in my case, distractions happen and old conditioning and stories pop up. Distractions…self made and emerging from corners of life that had been quiet. Like car trouble, flooding in nearby communities, work drama, self sabotage, and on and on. But for many of us of the writing ilk, we are always writing. I still write in a journal, I write daily lists of stuff to do, I write aspirations and goals, I write shit to burn in rituals that is stuck heavy energy to transform it…I am never without a pen. So owning our right to write because we are of the writers tribe, is like a new happy dance for me now. I’m just beginning this new happy dance of knowing at a cellular level, this is part of my life path including livelihood….like that dirty word….money!

How can you make money doing what you love if you think it is bad to make money doing what you love? Old programming, that is like outdated milk. How appetizing would it be to drink year old milk that has been sitting on the counter? Ughhh! Yeah, that is representative of a belief. We all have our own load of B.S. (belief systems), and it is time for an upgrade on mine. Can’t do anything about other people, but I can work on mine. Or even more fun, I can work on mine with other people who want to work on theirs.

My pacifier is journal writing. It helps me embrace my own suffering and move through obstacles, it helps me be my own best friend. It helps me see where I have been and where I’m going. I love journalling! With a cup of coffee on a day off it is one of the most sublime experiences of just a long deep exhale. I savor it like a piece of chocolate. But today, I am blissiplining myself to write this blogpost first…before my piece of chocolate. Who knows…maybe someday the blog writing (or book writing) will become the piece of chocolate. Right now, writing here and now, is the brocolli before the chocolate. I am making myself, because like many things in life, I didn’t really want to write a blog post right now. What do I have to say? Nada!

It’s not like I don’t know what I want to be doing as my heart service, it’s more like…it’s better as a far off idea than now. Then I don’t risk failing. Or going broke and having to live under a bridge. Then there is inertia. I have a lot of inertia in writing in a journal as a way of coping, rather than pulling those same issues out into the open and saying, hey….‘Can you benefit from hearing this ride I”m on?’ Because if you can, I”d love to be in service that way. Then we will be on the ride together, making break throughs out of break downs.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, “Your Greatest Teacher is Your Last Mistake.” How much would it cost to see a therapist and spend who knows how long getting that bumber sticker wisdom? The universe always has my back, and me knowing that is the gift. Seeing the bumper sticker was an aha moment for procrastinating what I love the most for when it is a better time to do it. There is no better time than now.

Let’s get back to old B.S. Bless the b.s. but be willing to shed it and replace it with a higher vibrational program. Then it is to feed the higher vibrational program and find others who will feed the higher vibrational program in you and give you a heads up when you get sucked back into old bs. Or, if you don’t get that from people, you may from the world around you. At work, (again) on my friday walking out to the parking lot talking about stuff that is heavy and hard to know about with a work friend… I got to my car and found it again, with a dead battery.

It’s dark, it’s in the middle of rain bursts and I am just calm. Okay…universe…Okay, damn it! It’s like when My Electronics go out. My guides don’t want me on something on line they just make the screen black. My car has over 200,000 miles so there is that, but it is the message, you need a brand new battery. Not just a jump start. Pay attention to what drains your battery. If I hear a friend telling me I am draining their battery, pay attention to that too. IF I find my own B.S is draining my own battery, pay attention to that. Not like something is wrong or bad, just like…information that may get louder if I don’t address it. Just like the bumper sticker.

So, back to the rainy dark night, when my car would not start. This is another ask for help moment…I slither over to my work friend who is about to pull out and drive home to see if she may be willing to give me a ride home. “Sure.” Then I realize I don’t want to be asking for help tomorrow morning too and I call AAA instead and let her know I”ll wait for AAA.

I have my asking for help quota and this month I’m well over it. But, given my work place is kind of off the beaten path and given it’s about to rain again…I asked different people for help. Now here is some new wisdom that I am just grocking while I write this. My friend who was willing to give me a ride but didn’t, had told me the Engineering department had helped her last time she had needed a jump. Hmmm. And the front desk young friends had come out with jumper cables and huddled by my car willing to try. All and all we had three sets of jumper cables of various lengths and four people there waiting for engineering and AAA at the same time. My young friends were laughing and making an adventure of it. As I kept looking at my phone to see how long til AAA arrived. The grace of the universe is always present, one work friend was in awe that she just happened to be parked right next to my car in the parking lot, but I was not surprised. I know the universe has my back, ALL WAYS, even in these situations.

It was Engineering who won the race. They pulled up in a honkin big Company truck and used my cables to jumpstart my car. All the while my coworkers were joking with the engineer and taking selfies. It was like a car mishap party, even though I was not laughing, I was glad they were. The engineer, well they know how to do this stuff, we couldn’t even find how to pull the thing off the newer car battery to find where the battery plugs were. My car, old and no problem, their car was new and we were clueless. My young friend pulled out of her spot to make room for the truck and the engineering guy did it with ease and speed. The AAA guy had no problem canceling the order. The universe is abundant, generous and kind; if I let it be.

Back to, “I’m a writer, right now.” When I sat down to write this blog post, it was not what I wanted to do. I felt I had nothing to say. I often wonder if people other than the few I ask to read it, actually read this. But…who cares? I am a writer NOW and that is my new mantra. I could even be bold and go a step further, with I am a writer right now who is making a positive difference for others and having fun doing it. Whoah! There’s a shift. The natural outcome of that is, I easily make my living with my creative works. Whoah….there’s another!

Reflecting on that dark rainy night and the next morning…I see a few pieces of wisdom that I did not see before writing this. One is, talking about dark heavy stuff (which was the walk to the car) is draining. Even if it is part of me assimilating new information and needed, it can be draining. Then, reaching out to different people for support so I don’t lay a burden on others that I don’t intend to…is important. Keeping it light even on a dark, rainy night is easier when I inter-bee with others. So, I could have put all of this in my journal, and for sure have put bits and pieces in there and more to come. But maybe, just maybe this is more fun and can make a ripple with others.

I did get a new battery, the very next day. The car started with no problem the next morning when I went to the mechanic. Because I am an energetic weaver, helping myself and others weave in new realities, it didn’t go un-noticed that my car had no problem starting the next morning. But it was still time to get a new battery. You can think of the new battery as a set of beliefs, patterns, relationships, work, habits etc. For me and where I am at in my life journey, I am starting with Beliefs or actually continueing this rewiring work. That is part of my life work, that is part of what I am here to do, and I know that. So I am stopping with pretending that I don’t know that and am actually doing it. Yahoo. Now a big, lovely exhale.

Anyone else out there that is conditioned to never, ever ask for help? Like that it is a sign of weakness, or it is an imposition or burden on others? I think it is even written into the declaration of INDEPENDENCE. Ya know, be INDEPENDENT, not inter-dependant. These inherited beliefs lurk in the background un-noticed until something in life happens to bring them into the light of awareness.

Or sometimes, a bunch of ‘somethings’ happen in a row to help me see, incase I missed it the first, second or third thing. That is what the last 48 hours have been for me. First, I lost my keys, but didn’t know I”d lost them until I was getting in the car to go to work to a job that has been feeling dicey. Last thing I need is to be late to work, or worse yet, not be able to make it in to work with no advance notice. This is sheer…“Oh Shit! ” material. Thankfully, I know and love my neighbors. I text her to ask for a ride and tell her I’m super stressed. Two minutes later, her boyfriend is driving me to work. TWO MINUTES! Thank you so much. As we were driving to my job site…and I wished I could put my foot on his car accelator, I found myself confiding I have never asked for emergency support like this in 14 years. I found I was a little, if not a lot, embarrassed. Then I listened to him talk about how he got his car, rent increases in the area and general chit chat as we coasted into work. I got there, when I usually would get there…10 minutes early. Deep, deep bow of gratitude to Miguel and Vielka.

But he did make it clear, no I don’t want to trade a massage for a ride back home. He did make it clear, he did not want to pick me back up on his day off. That’s okay, I made it to work, I’ll deal with the rest later. And it almost made me cry that I actually received that kind of immediate support. But I did have to ask. TO ask, I had to have no other options. There was no time for an uber. I was completely up against it.

The ride back….again, I go to my automatic programming of negotiating…I’ll give you this, if you can give me that. I asked my friend to come pick me up and I’d offer a massage in return at her timing. She said yes, and right on the dot at 5 pm she was out infront of work. (I”m a massage therepist at this time for livelihood.). On the way back home I told her how hard it was for me to ask for help, and how amazing a day it was. Not only did I get a ride in, but others at work, offered to take me home. I had already negotiated a ride home, I thought. But as we swerved around the curves of Laurrelles Grade in Carmel Valley, my friend said…”oh no no, I”m not taking a massage for this.” “How you can pay me back is pay it forward, when someone is desperate for help.” Surprised again. It is not only uncomfortable to ask for help, it is uncomfortable to receive help…then it is super uncomfortable not to give something back in return for that help. Such an interesting batch of beliefs I’ve inherited from ancestors and my culture. It was a big day of gratitude, and amazement at the generosity of people and seeing, “The universe really does have my back.”

When I came back home I immediately found my keys. Losing them was a sign of life stress but finding them was easy enough. I knew I would. The next day I headed to the coffee shop while my car was across the street getting an oil change completed. I casually mentioned to the owner of the shop, “Hey, do you know anyone who can house/pet sit?” He asked a few questions and then said he’d think about it. I”m getting ready to see my 94 year old dad, and after the airline ticket, the biggest important thing is animal care. Especially because I adopted a kitten (now cat) and have two in the house. They look adorable when they are sleeping together but Tigerbee is a wild beast, a handful.

Next thing I know the Barista sits herself down across from me, “I hear you are looking for a pet sitter, I”m your gal,” she smiled. Really, life can be this easy? So fricken awesome. She has worked for the owner since his daughter went out for maternity leave. And if he trusts her, so do I. Big, big exhale. Bigger smile. As I write this, I know she is coming over in a few hours to meet the boys, and I can let her know what she is in for with wild beast.

But the day was not over, and the grace had just begun. Right now there is an ‘atmospheric river’ happening around my area. What that means, I learned this week, is it is going to be dumping rain for some time. The earth gets saturated and often in places can’t absorb more water, the rivers rise and the ocean gets wild. Naturally, I wanted to get out in it with my new camera and practice taking pictures while enjoying mother nature. First stop the ocean, where I hoped to see wild surf and big waves. I also planned to walk my dog there.

Alas they had closed the trails, though some kindred spirits were ignorning this. I would get out of the car and take pictures, get back in the car. Realize I forgot poop bags. You know, every day life stuff. Sat listening to stories on the radio, ambled the car down the road a bit and stopped and did the same thing. The thing I didn’t do, is pay attention to the fact I was running my battery down. The waves were frothy but not that huge so soon I decided to take tollie and I to another trail to walk. Except when I tried to start my car it just made an ominous clicking sound. Gah! Really, I need help AGAIN?

Fortunately I didn’t get into name calling (at myself), I just stepped out of the car and asked the couple in the car behind me who were also watching the surf if they had jumper cables…’nope’. Okay, next step AAA, auto club call. I was on the phone with them for some time, embarrassed by explaining I’m between weather fronts on the edge of the ocean and I don’t know the name of the street. “By Asilomar Beach…a blue 2009 Honda Fit.” Of course my window was down, and of course more rain would be coming soon.

“90 MINUTES?” Okay, what am I going to do, deal with what I have here and now. She told me about an hour and a half til someone came. But hopefully sooner. I noticed the guy behind me in the car without cables had come up to talk with me while I was talking with the AAA representative. After I got off the phone I went back to see what he wanted…magically….he now had cables. ;). After I had popped my hood he decided to help.

“I was on an important call with my son, but I think I have cables…” he mumbled. Five minutes later my car was running and I was giving him a hug and a bow of gratitude to his wife. I said my first stop was going to be to go buy cables. His wife agreed, “I don’t know what I would do without him,” she said. I do…having been single for twelve years. You don’t ask for help and get into the habit of doing it all yourself. Or paying people to help. That is until you are really screwed, then you call AAA or hope to Goddess your neighbor can give you a ride. In the last 48 hours, random people I don’t know at all, have shown up in the most gracious ways. It is enough to have a human start feeling like humans are here in it together, and can enjoy helping each other. And given the challenges of daily life these days, this is great news. The Goddess of magic and grace has bestowed upon me the wisdom of asking for a little help from time to time, and offering it as well. Me thinks this is going to be a new and fun habit.

The Sufi poet Rumi invites us into our most fulfilling lives by telling us we must ask for what we really want. The question is, do we know what that is? I have been spending a GOB of time looking at Canon cameras to upgrade from my current entry level camera and jump my skills and nature photos. However, when trying to buy one, my guides three times blocked it. Kay, set aside buying a new camera for a tiny bit. I also heard that I’m getting lost in distraction (camera shopping) rather than going outside and actually BEING in nature. Distractions, there are plenty of them…everywhere and all of the time. Do I really want a new camera? Or do I really want to create new pictures from within for my life. Maybe both, but the guidance is to start from within with clarity.

First let me start by saying thank you dear guides, ancestors, animal friends, family members, and human friends for being part of the journey. Thank you dear Mother Earth for holding all of us with such love and compassion even while many of us are living inside of forgetfulness much of the time. Thank you dear spiritual teachers, Thich Nhat Hanh, Sandra Ingerman, Linda Fitch, so many beautiful teachers through out decades who have transmitted their wisdom teachings and love to my heart. Thank you that I live in a safe place and don’t have to worry about being hungry, or in war, or having a bed to sleep in or clean water to drink. Thank you, thank you for grace beyond measure.

Back to creating pictures and getting clarity on what we really want. It starts for me with seeing what I already have that I am grateful for. I’m no longer working three part time jobs and feeling exhausted all of the time. Even though I’ve been taking it for granted lately, I have one job that pays so well I don’t need three. And I have lots of flexibility in that job to be able to craft a schedule that will open doors to my heart livelihood. Yahoo for that! I’m grateful that at 93 my father is still alive and that I get to talk with him every week. Although Venerable monk Thich Nhat Hanh transitioned this year, my biological father is still alive and kicking. Actually focusing on what I already have is the magic of priming the pump for manifesting that which will come.

When I saw the couple who planted their butts in chairs they brought out to a rock at Asilomar to watch the sunset, it made my heart smile and I took their photo. I recognize magic moments when kindred spirits are enjoying the splendor that is around us all of the time. My pictures of what I really want, is time to enjoy nature and be available to nature, animals, the elements and all of life. To be a voice for all of life, that is already happening. That has been happening for years now. I have thousands of photos of those moments. So again, to be present to the gifts in the here and now is where the magic starts.

Chasing money in a job like massage can be a trap a lot of us fall into. I have over and over and over. But what if I so trusted my path that I could exhale and let go. There isn’t really a ‘picture’ for letting go, but how else does space occur for something new to come in if there is no letting go? Even if it is just letting go of ideas…like striving to accumulate wealth so it all works out when I’m old? Or, if I lead a quiet life filled with nature, and ritual, ceremony and gratitude in a private way it is not really making a difference? Or if I haven’t published books yet, I never will? Sometimes letting go is of those lies we have been telling ourselves or others without even noticing it, perhaps for decades. OR the lies our cultural programming has tried to embed in our thinking that would have the earth continue to suffer from our collective greed and fear.

So getting clear on what I really want starts with the gratitude for that which I already have. I already have tools to help me transform suffering into freedom, I already have sisters on the path that inspire me and nourish me. I already have practices with others that help prop me up when I’m not feeling like showing up. Last night I met with my dear writing sister Natascha up at a restuarant in Santa Cruz. That has been happening once a month for over a decade. She shared about facilitating a program called ‘Guiding Rage into Power’ at the prison with other volunteers who had been teaching meditation there. Just to catch up, just to connect, just to share stories from the journey of life. I want more of that. Creating space for sisterhood and brotherhood of like minded folks to connect.

So the pictures of making a difference with others through ceremony, through ritual, through writing, through photographs…that’s happening in the here and now. Opening up for more of the good to flow in and out, trusting the right people at the right time to show up and connect or sometimes reconnect, that is present now. The practice of showing up to a blog is just like the practice of showing up in life. It is to just show up, and be present for whatever gifts that want to flow through. Then letting that be enough.