Energy is fuel. How we fuel ourselves is not always a conscious choice, sometimes it is a reaction. I, for example have seen anger rising in a variety of work situations and anger is a strong energy. It’s not a pleasant energy for others to be around or for me to experience. But guess what? Anger, when directed correctly, can help me make course adjustments that I resisted making. I’ve been working as a massage therapist most every weekend for over 12 years and anger helped me cut my weekend shifts in half. So this past Sunday, I went to Farmers market and bought fresh produce, I went to the ocean and walked my dog, I did yoga, I sang in the car for an hour before… all before work. And my vibration sky rocketed. To start the day with waves of joy and contentment, started out as rage and frustration from a previous upset on a different darker day. Without the rage and frustration, I would not have cut my weekend shifts down to make room for new adventures. I would have kept doing the same thing.

The key is to learn to listen to my inner compass. We all have our inner compass. My guides have my back and are moving me in a great direction. So I can trust anger too, is a part of that moving me in a great direction.

Reframing discontent as a guide post leading me along my path is more useful than looking at my work, myself, or someone else as a problem I need to fix. Tempting as it may be (and has been at times) to get caught in the juicy loop of making something, someone, or myself wrong…that is not the direction I’m headed. That is an old script, both collective and individual that it is time to shed. The guidance I am receiving is to transform myself from the inside out and also share with others how they can do the same.

Making discomfort my friend and learning to say thank you for it is a way to dance with grace versus staying stuck in a victim mentality. Snake medicine is a beautiful gift to remember to shed that which no longer serves us. Snakes shed their whole skin at one time, they don’t think…oh oh, I better hang on to this part, I may be naked without it! To consciously call in different energetic medicine at different transitions in our lives, is a way to live with the natural flow of trust and ease. That includes examining our beliefs, patterns of thinking and perceiving and knowing what to shed; all at once. Our culture doesn’t teach us that but our spirit intuitively wants to help us bring more light in and let go of ‘old skin’. I want that.

I am an energetic healer, here to help us all reweave our stories and beliefs collectively and individually. To do that I need to be doing it for myself first and able to say out loud…yeah, this is what I am doing now, this is what I have been doing under the radar, and this is what I am here on the planet to do. Bring it on. I KNOW SHEDDING IS HAPPENING. The question is can I/we embrace the changes and do it consciously with ease and grace versus fear and dread.

Learning to ride the waves of change together is an art lots of folks are learning right now. Me too. There are the unconscious changes thrust upon you, like a hurricane or earth quake that can just take out your life as you’ve known it all at once by force. The earth is causing people to shift their lives, their homes and their livelihoods because we have not been listening. Earth changes can be seen as an enemy or as medicine to bring balance and harmony back. Our own life changes can also be seen as something to fear and avoid, or a friend helping us along with our grand transformational adventure.

The by choice changes we navigate can be gentler than the fires and hurricanes, but they take courage too. And resilience and wisdom. Wisdom to not make my current life, livelihood or place a “foe”, and resilience to not give up on my deepest heart’s desire even if I’ve ‘failed’ in the past. The by choice changes take energy to move out of complacency and learn new skills, take more risks, build new relationships. Sometimes what burns away complacency is the fire of anger or frustration. The fire of anger can fuel a renewed commitment for me to take a stand for having the best life I can, rather than settling for what pays bills and is the current role I am playing.

Picking songs and singing songs that give me courage, joy, and lightness gives energy to fuel change. Running in nature and sticking my feet in a river gives energy. Giving myself permission to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon and replenish my energy is fuel. Or fuel for change can look like anger and upset. There is no ‘right way’ to navigate a major life transition, but doing it with conscious awareness and intention is my gift in this present moment. After all what looks like a distraction, upset or a problem, is really just the mystery of my life unfolding beautifully. Trusting that is called grace.

With the right conditions of mind, a new reality will come into being. With the right conditions of heart, the current reality becomes fresh. Have you ever scribbled a note down in a moment of clarity and inspiration then found it months or years later? Or have you even maybe scribbled lots of notes down over the years and then they all start popping up at once years later? It’s as if the Universe is conspiring to remind me of my deepest held intentions, even if they have been forgotten over and over. Simple intentions…like “Be in Nature”, “exercise”, “work from home more of the time.”

Funny thing is when I actually do those things, I’m a lot happier and have more energy. Still need those reminders, I should start putting dates on the scrawled notes. They go back several years I’m sure. They are like finding a love letter to my heart. See, you see! See, you do know what to do next…it’s just listening and doing it.

Life comes in chunks, and for one big chunk of my life…it was about survival. It was about working three part time jobs…massage, reading tutor, and peace center program co ordinator…and earning enough for rent. Paying bills was the game and balancing the energy and jobs. However, eventually I chose to Re Vision. My mom worked three part time jobs teaching English as a second language with no benefits for her whole working career. She was exhausted a lot of the time. I saw that I had to open up for a higher paying job where I don’t need three jobs for the Monterey rent. That manifested once I put my intention on it…in a beautiful place where I work a lot less to pay rent. After that there was the chunk of, ‘is this really going to work?’ ‘Is it steady, can I trust the flow to be consistent?’ One more chunk of life has passed by as a massage therapist while I went from one level of earnings (with three part time jobs) to doubling that. I blink my eye and six years passed in this job.

Do you put, “soak my feet in a stream” on your ‘to do’ list? ‘Play with Crayons’ on the must get done today, mental check list. “Sing to the birds” who so happily sing to me every day? That’s the stage I am in now. It makes me smile. Maybe the notes work from home more actually mean, work from heart home more. And home is the earth. Being out in my home, every room of it…the mountains, the streams, the meadows, the ocean.

The mind will always try and drag me back to survival…”you better add more hours, where you KNOW you can earn more.” “You better stay with something predictable, something…reliable.” All different lines of code for FEAR. So finding those notes are like a little vitamin for my internal be courageous system. Being courageous can look like not getting sucked down into what’s normal in this life, and daring to implant new lines of code to make more sacred things normal. Like saying thank you to the water, without which there would be no life. Like saying thank you to the trees, without which there would be no air to breathe. It’s only when I realign my priorities to those little sacred notes to my higher self that I actually play in nature…more. Maybe I”m actually here for that, rather than ‘survival’. Maybe I’m here to thrive AND help others thrive.

The first thing I noticed on my favorite hike yesterday was the whales spouting. Pods of whales moving out, far out in the ocean. Are we moving through this world open to all of the other species that we share this world with? Maybe that’s my job. To acknowledge all the other species as often as possible and connect with them, and teach others to do so. “All life is sacred”, isn’t just a bumper sticker or a media campaign for anti abortion activists. I think of all the forms of life burning up in fires right now and then walk through fresh green with all manner of beings, I’m even more grateful.

Different beings kind of hover close by, after I sing to the water, Yesterday it was butterflies. They were curious, and playful. Oh, there is a human that actually ‘sees me’. What is it like to see the world through the eyes of a butterfly? Perhaps butterflies wonder too, about us.

When the caterpillar can’t walk any more., when things are not functioning as they have during its’ whole caterpillar life, I”m sure it feels like it’s dying. It is dying, to make way for a new form of life. This has been happening on earth for 4.6 billion years. Forms of life come into existence for a while and then pass away. Human species have done that several different times with several different civilizations. Civilizations that disappeared, only ruins remain. We forget that in the day to day.

Within this one human’s life it is the same. There are phases of life, and one phase passes away for another phase to rise up out of the ashes of what has been. The pressure of the fires of the past have new seeds burst open with life when the conditions are right. The conditions are right, right now. And I know it. Like you know it is raining when you are soaking wet.

Writing is a way of Righting from the inside out. Would love to have people read my writing but at this phase that is not the main point. The point is to Write to Right. Share beauty to share beauty and inspire. Come from love and let the words and the images find their natural homes, their right people. Just like I had to take the time to Re Vision when I was working three part time jobs, now is time to Re Vision again. Knowing that as gifts ripple out from heart center that are intended to benefit future generations and people who resonate with my work, I am supported in All Ways. In the meantime, full permission to play, just to play. Right now play looks like this…appreciate the quite play while I have it.

No getting around that animals can be messy, and humans too….I’m one of them. Then add in living on a sand dune, and well it gets a little gritty. But I wasn’t thinking about any of that on last Wednesday, when it was a zillion degrees outside and I was content simply to get the dishes done. One tiny step by one tiny step; for sure I would have loved some help cleaning on my chore day. Like a magic genie heard my wish, there was a knock at the door.

Being an anti social type, as soon as I opened the door with pit bull wedging his pit bull head between the crack of the door, I was already trying to say, ‘please go away.’ A pair of women…one middle aged and one young shy gal were out there with some pamphlets. I told them it was a bad time, pit bull in the door and kitten behind the door, it was a bad time. Then came the magic words, free carpet cleaning for one room you pick as a demo.

Now I wasn’t born yesterday…(been waiting my whole life to say that), so I said to them why would you work for free? “Oh no, we are being paid, the company is just giving back to the community...it’s been around a hundred years.” Still skeptical, but open to some help, I let them in. The younger gal I liked right away. She was shy, and soft spoken. The older gal was setting me up for the kill, but I didn’t know that yet. When I heard free carpet cleaning in one room, I had immediately moved everything from the livingroom out of the way. Go after it gals. They were doing a demo, of a Kirby vacuum system. Very impressive demo, very impressive amount of dirt coming up from the carpets given I’d had them professionally cleaned not that long ago. They made sure to line up all the piles of dirt on these coffee filter sized white papers for dramatic effect. When I asked the younger gal if I could throw them out for her she said, “No, they want to know that we are working.”

By the time the older lady had gone out to check on her Kirby Troops, then returned, I had bonded with the young gal. She asked me about my drum and if I do ceremony. She told me about her mom who has a sweat lodge on property and does crystal bowls. I enjoyed talking with her and told her if she could do door to door sales, she could sell anything. But there was no way in hell I was going to buy a Kirby. I just wanted help cleaning, and the Universe brought them to my door. In fact if they had not offered free cleaning for one room, and clarified that they are being paid…I would not have let them in. However, sometimes…just sometimes, people don’t tell the whole truth.

Now the younger gal also confided she sold one of these units to her mother, but that she was actually making half of the monthly payment for her mother. That’s when Hair on my neck raised. These vacuums cost over two thousand dollars…$2650. This young gal is on a payment plan for these hugely expensive vacuums. Gah! Back comes in the older gal; I didn’t count how many times she tried to get me to buy this unit, or how many different ways she offered to sell it to me, or even for how many different prices…but as the number increased, so did my commitment not to buy it. I told her my car had over 200,000 miles and if I was going to spend thousands, it would be on a car. I told her I was not in the head space of making that kind of purchase. Eventually I told her my nephew died recently of an overdose. When non of that worked, I told her I don’t give a flying F about buying a vacuum and I’m not going to buy one today. Now that….worked. She still made one more attempt, but by that time she knew that they did indeed give me a free one room carpet cleaning and were not making a sale. The carpet by the way, looks fantastic. And she told me to have a blessed day.

The thing about the universe, you have to know what you want….AND what you don’t want. My nephews altar was up and they saw it, it re assured me to be guilt free when that didn’t stop the sales pitch. Still, I wish it had ended a little better. I apologized on their way out the door to the older lady, I rarely say Flying F….but indeed it was called for that day. She accepted my apology and finally left hours after arriving.

Now, I am a firm believer in calling in what I want from the universe. I had asked for help, not really knowing how that may come, but it did come in an unusual way. After they left, I had so much energy that a few days later I pulled out my Carpet Cleaning machine (yes, I already own one) and did my stairs twice. Huzzah!

The Universe doesn’t always tell me what exactly it’s delivering. It’s more like Santa Claus sometimes with a wrapped up package but you don’t know what is inside. I remember sitting in my car in my drive way one day and hearing a name come distinctly through…Jennifer Allen, I wrote it down. So I have information come in dreams and sometimes it’s really specific but I was sitting in my car in the afternoon in my driveway. This was new. So, coming back inside I immediately hop on the computer and look up Jennifer Allen and find an Art Therapist specializing in trauma and addiction who lives in Carmel Valley.

It is a dance, we take a step, Universe takes a step, and so on. SO I took another step and called Jennifer Allen and told her her name came through and I’m not really sure why and could we meet. Definite yes. So that was over five years ago, and Jennifer Allen is my hiking buddy, my nature sister, my shamanic friend and she offered to do death rites for my Nephew out on her land in Big Sur. Not quite like a Kirby Vacuum cleaning sales person, but the same in that I had called something in. In Jennifer’s case, I was so hungry…so starved for tribe. For playmates that love what I love and have broad vision and spiritual training. When I heard her name I had no idea who she would be, or why I had tripped across her path. But ours is a lifelong friendship now and it is just one other example that we have the power to call in what we long for, whether it is help cleaning our damn house or friends on the path. Be ready, it’s coming in mysterious ways.

Embracing my own suffering is the task at hand. And smiling to that which is imperfect, yet beautiful. Setting aside the striving for the evening and just breathing instead. All there is…is Awwwwe some. Like a great big exhale.

Nature is the respite. The balm for those open wounds. The arms that can encircle and love like no other love. All is alive, not just the humans…not just the animals…all is alive. The air, the sunlight, the water, the grass, the earth, the moon and the stars.

Our ancestors are a breath away. The community of nature beings are surrounding us, if we take the time, to take a walk outside. The days that are the best in my life, are the days that I take the time to take a walk outside. And when I don’t, I can bring my heart back to the earth from where ever I am and ask for forgiveness for our collective forgetfulness. Forgetting that it is not we humans who support all of life. Forgetting to give thanks to nature.

When I have done less than well, and feel less than good…it is simply to come back to my love for the earth and speak it from my heart. The air is there, so generous, so consistent. Always giving. The sun is there, without our efforting, without our bargaining…simply giving. The water, we have had so conveniently, comes from the earth and has consciousness. To have clean water is such a blessing but we forget. I forget, until I go to a stream, or a river.

Self care, self love, is honoring my connection to the earth. It is coming back to express love for the earth, and making sure there is time in my business…busy-ness to see the beauty. Have you ever been held in the arms of a tree and sung gratitude to the standing ones that give us air to breathe? So deeply rooted in the ground, so vastly generous with all manner of living creatures calling her home. If you can truly see a tree, then you can truly see all that be…it is all one with that tree.

Of course the earth is also in me, actually is me; and in all that I see. That is what gives a smile, when I feel like crying. It helps me begin anew when I see I’ve been lying to myself or others. I had hoped to do ceremony tonight, but first is to set my heart right. Writing is righting and hearing is searing. What’s most important is coming home to the now, to enter my heart and sing with a bow. Letting go of achieving and letting in grieving. Tears are the balm that help dissolve needing.

Back to self love as a drop in the ocean. Back to accepting all that is and has not been. Offering grace like a moon beam reflecting, truth and reconciliation is like dew on grass collecting. The message is clear if I have ears to hear, coming home with kind love starts from within.

“You got to work hard if you are going to amount to anything in this world….” “Follow the rules and be a good girl.” “I’m too fat….too short…too greasy hair….(you get the idea.)” “I’m stupid, lazy, not making a difference in this world…(you get the idea).” “If you have your own business, be ready to work 24-7.” “If you follow your bliss, get ready to be a bag lady…artists never make money.” Inspiring right? Not so much.

It’s interesting that we know, most of us are aware that when we are in the womb we are surrounded by fluid and nutrients travel thru an ambilical chord that keeps us alive. Mom is feeding us without her even knowing how it all works. What most of us haven’t been taught is there is a cultural ambilical chord too, feeding us horse shit. At one time, that horse shit that was fed to us as truth was things like….women don’t have the right to vote, black people are white people’s property, and children should listen and not be heard. Oh yeah, and the earth is flat. When we look at those ‘truths’ now, they look ridiculous…but when we have our own lines of B.S. (belief systems) going, our vision is not so clear.

I bought a new cannon printer for my photography over two weeks ago. A big step in a small step kind of way but then I saw my stories about myself in regards to technology have led to some epic procrastination. A familiar brand of self sabotage built on old stories of, “I can’t do this.” Or, tomorrow I’m sure I can do it but today let’s eat ice cream instead.

I used to assist people in improving their reading skills at a reading lab in a community college for six years. We were trained to meet people where they are and acknowledge what the students are doing right. That is a skill set that I was not taught as a kid. But the biggest gift in those six years of teaching reading to young people was teaching them to reweave their stories about themselves. It was nothing about reading, but it impacts reading and everything else. We don’t even know we are living inside a web of stories/lies we have been telling ourselves about the world and each other so much of the time. So pushing back on some of those stories and re inventing the narrative of our lives to empower us is a blessing.

But it is also a practice. So this morning I’m going to set up the damn printer. But more importantly is to see that story line about myself and technology. Talking with my friend this morning who is older than me and is taking her business to the next level, she said “it’s probably easy to set up.” (That didn’t match my story). I have another friend, older than her (70) who recently moved her business, which by the way is an art gallery, to a new city in a new state during the pandemic. She is rocking it, and living in her new home…not under a bridge. The reality check is, people can live non traditional lives and thrive, it does take a bit of Hutzpah though and some internal reprogramming.

Another thing we have been trained to believe is that failure is something to be ashamed of or hide, or get over. But I’ve been trained to see that if I am not failing, I am not growing. Sometimes, I forget that and relapse into the cultural paradigm/view of failing. To shift from that collective belief about failure it requires upgrading the app to run on new software. Speaking as a tech expert, of course. If the old program starts beeping in, it is just to recognize, oh there it is again… the old programming that is no longer useful. When we can see the stories that we have been weaving as a culture and as individuals there is some choice in the matter. When it is perceived as, ‘the truth’, I am a prisoner of my story.

In my 30s, I failed to find ways for a Peace Center I started to thrive or be financially sustainable after leaving a traditional job. I also failed at being able to hold on to my house I’d owned almost ten years after a few years of leaving that lucrative job. I had gone through every penny of reserve and wondered, ‘What the hell do I do now?’ I have failed at publishing/selling books after writing manuscripts. I have stuck them in drawers after that for decades. I have failed at the relationship that brought me to California and failed at creating a thriving community of visionaries that are local. Wooooo fricken Hooo!!!! I tried all those bold things. And more. I have not had one nanno second of regret from leaving my job in broadcast…not one since 1998. It did take 7 years of training to have the courage to quit, it did take an unexpected death of a friend at age 32 to realize…’don’t wait.’ Though there has been lots of challenges living single in monterey, there’s a boat load of growth. No regret.

Boldness doesn’t mean it will always go smoothly, or how I wanted, or how I thought it would go…but it definitely feels more enlivening than living from fear and old stories. Having done both…I can say I prefer the enlivening bit. But maybe lately that fear of failure has been creeping back in as I look at new realms of livelihood. All those old failures come up and say, “watch out…don’t blow it, remember what happened last time?” Yes, watch out, if I go back to the traditional belief system on failure I could become a character from land of walking dead. It takes a warrior’s spirit to say I see the lie, and I am willing to call it a lie. Even if it is a self made lie. Then just wink to it, don’t have to assassinate it. It’s just egoic machinery trying to keep us safe. When I take off my blinders and see the Universe is so incredibly abundant, I can stop white knuckling changes and invite in big support to show up in mysterious ways.

The thing about failure is if I am learning something new…I am going to fail. If I reflect and learn from what caused a failure a week ago or decades ago, I am not really failing. Only if I stop trying new things, am I failing. If you think about a tiny tot kiddo that does not know how to walk, that kiddo does not throw his/her hands up in the air and say…”I’m a failure!” after falling down a bunch of times. If kiddos had adult programming/beliefs about failure, we all would still be on all fours crawling around everywhere; afraid to look stupid trying to walk upright and falling again.

Whether you’re an artist type and prefer to look at it as an actual beautiful weaving…or if you are a tech junky who can easily think of new apps and such…the metaphor is just a tool to help us transform our thinking and belief systems. Personally I prefer the weaving, I can re-weave old stories and call in new ones. I can take out colors that don’t delight me and choose ones that do. My mom was a self taught weaver, it just came naturally after a while. We can learn to do the same thing with our ways of habitual thinking. But practicing it in every day life is when the every day magic happens. Having friends on the path who can see past my own stories about myself is so vital. Who wants to live unknowingly inside of disempowering stories forever?

There is some research that has shown that if you put a flea in a jar and cover the jar, the flea will learn that it can only jump as far as the lid of the jar. Even though, it can jump higher and did jump higher before being in the jar. When taking the lid off, the flea jumps only as high as the lid. That comes from flea central university. Where have I been putting the lid on in my own life without knowing it? Where in my own ways of thinking have I gotten smallish or constricted?

I know one…writing. Of course I would be so incredibly happy if I knew that my writing touched, moved and inspired people…but the bottom line is that I love to share my writing and photography. Writing helps crystalize the wisdom that is growing within. It’s not up to me what happens after it moves out of my heart. THE MORE IMPORTANT THING, IS IT MOVES OUT OF MY HEART. May the flea in me and thee jump Higher!

Maybe the toughest time to get back out there doing something you love, is when you know you have lost some ground…lost some momentum in doing what you love. I’m blessed to live in such a beautiful area and Big Sur is my heart stomping ground but it is easy to get busy and not make time for those things that bring me the most joy. Especially when I’ve been injured, but then there’s just to have some courage and carpe a diem babay!

Whenever I hike in Big Sur it is ritual, it is communion, it is adventure. All of it. This last time, it was also like an initiation. Bring your heart to the path and take one step at a time…that was the guidance. Basically…just get my butt down there. I could tell right away this was not like other times when I’ve hiked this path…I was winded and struggling early on. It was humbling. But also, an opportunity. Because when we are stretched, that’s when we grow. First time ever, I asked my ancestors for help on this hike. And in came a cloud of dragon flies, and up came turkey vulture flying high in the sky. Never alone on a hike, I am connected with all of my relations…feathered ones, creepy crawlers, rock people, scaly ones…they are all my buddies. Turkey vultures know how to dance between the worlds; how to catch the currents and glide with ease. They are quite amazing beings. If you ever feel like you need to move above the fog…go aerial.

There were human folk to, a sweet pair of newlyweds were coming down the path as I was going up. They got out early before the heat and were already done by a little after 9 am. Or so I thought. But that is before the guy in the pair came hoofing it back up the trail alone about forty minutes later. This guy was doing laps, up a mountainside. He slowed down and we chatted quite a bit. He told me they just moved to the area for his wife’s traveling nurse assignment. Again, the message today seemed to be about humility and also courage. Humility to be lapped by someone and courage for me to start over from a place that was far from where I was at the beginning of the year in terms of endurance. But even more important than either one of those things was the message to spend more time doing what I love. Like this dude lapping me up the mountain, then passing me again on the way down the mountain. There was a gleam in his eyes. He was a happy mountain goat. And though I was winded and going slow, I was a happy mountain goat too. Just a different pace and with a different purpose.

I had hurt myself on this same trail in February…six months ago. I was hiking the day of my root teacher’s cremation ceremony. My root teacher is a zen Buddhist monk named Thich Nhat Hanh and I wanted him to see the beauty of this hike through my eyes that day. I am his continuation, like I also am the continuation of my father. Spiritual father, and blood father, run through my being. So on that day…I was looking with love at all these amazing views…and as most days I hike this, it was a prayer. A love walk with the earth. That day was a lot easier to hike but I hurt my heel. Took months to recover, and during those months I got out of shape aerobically. So it took a bit of courage to get back out there on a hot day. But if not now, when? And if I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have met my mountain goat friend. His name is Drew and he runs off road races. I didn’t know that until the third time he lapped me, but I had an intuition right away that he was a competitor.

There’s nothing quite like hearing someone talk about their passion. This guy is a niche runner, he runs trails that are super hilly and he loves it. He also just graduated college and is figuring his next step out there too. It makes me smile to see young people putting their passion into their long term plan. Like wanting to choose a career where he can keep up his training because he loves running races off road. Not surprisingly, he had just won his most recent race. I ran marathons at one point in my life so it was easy to bond with him over the joy of training. Not so much the joy of the race, but the joy of being in really good shape and training. “I just love running,” he beamed. That was pretty obvious to see.

As for me, I love ritual. I love connecting with the earth in a sacred way and witnessing all of this amazing beauty around me with a huge feeling of awe and gratitude. Even if I’m struggling physically, I am still in gratitude and awe. Bless this path that I am on, bless the past for it is gone. Bless all beings from dusk til dawn, and bless our journey everyone. I invent those mantras, those songs to sing to the earth. Prayers. And then also stop to talk with humans too. And lizards, let’s not forget the lizards.

It’s all too easy not to make time to do what makes my heart sing the most. It’s too easy to do the laundry instead, or pick up more hours at work to make more money, or…or…or. Funny thing is, waiting to get back in shape, doesn’t help get back in shape. It’s just one step at a time. Being content to take one step at a time, and knowing the steps will eventually get easier. I always feel a kind of natural high for several days after this hike. Which makes me wonder why I don’t find more hikes. And more playmates to hike with. But on this day, on the Equinox day…I did get out there.

I did meet more newlyweds going down the other side. Not a lot of us out there on a hot day, but a few. I saw this couple tredging up the steep side and stopped to talk with them too. They were from Georgia. They were worried they were the only ‘rulebreakers’ doing this hike. Nope, I’m a rulebreaker too, and there’s others up the hill. They seemed a bit relieved to hear this but they had been told it was a 90 minute hike and it is not that. Not unless you are Drew, the speedy mountain goat. I offered to take pictures and was on my way. Didn’t catch their names, but they had that newlywed glow.

Now it was cooler and I was on the downward side of the hike. Now I was inspired and knew all was well. I was trying to memorize Drew Maycumber’s name because my intuition was that I would see him again on the trails sometime. And he told me his mom was an artist, so there’s that. Actually, he told me he is an artist too. The things you can find out when you are on your heart path and the people you meet.

Best part of any hike for me is getting my feet in the water. Especially a hike in the mid 90 degree heat. Back to that gratitude theme. I give thanks to the water, I sing to the water. Because without water there is no life. With water, we all have life. So worth it to take a day away from the chasing money mayhem to stick my feet in the water and sing.

I think I”m not alone in the conditioning of the mind, that somewhere out there in the distance is when life really begins. You know, after this or that or the other happens. Like, I’m a published author, teaching classes, climbed the Himalayas and yadda, yadda, yadda. A lot of habit energy in longing for what is not quite here yet.

I got my first unflattering glimpse at this mental machinery when I was actually at the foot of the Himalaya’s in Dharmsala, India for my first Buddhist meditation retreat ever. I can still remember thinking in the morning of my first class….”Do I have to?” The difference was, the witness presence took a snapshot of that thought and held it up to the light for me. Oh yeah, that is the same thought I had in the states, before managing all of the conditions to fly all the way over for this adventure. Mental machines will run on the same program until we choose an update. It’s time for that update right now.

Magic is in the present moment. It’s not after that promotion, or partner, or new job, new house, graduation, or…magic is here and now. Do we have the eyes to see it?

My invisible guides have been working a little more…uhm… obviously in my behalf lately. Like, when I go on my computer to dip into the news or stocks or some kind of mental boredom filler they blacken the screen of my computer. It’s like, wake up, what are you looking for? Wake up, create your own screen and start creating your own reality.

Creating my own reality begins with honoring the life I’m living in this present moment. Rather than looking backwards or getting caught in the future. The dance is to have the courage and blissipline to have goals…take action on those goals while getting the gifts of this present moment simultaneously. It’s a skillset not taught in schools. At least not traditional schools.

I’m about to go to work, as a body worker…a massage therapist…but I’m also taking action this morning on my future goal of touching, inspiring and motivating people through writing. Like a juggler, my task is to learn to keep a few balls in the air at the same time.

To help me along the path in my adventure of present moment bliss mixed with future goal actions, I’ve hired an home office manager. His name is Tigerbee…and he has razor sharp claws. It’s a little boot camp in awakening that comes with a litterbox and integration of the whole home office team. So far…so good. The office team is present moment team furball…and watching them is the gift.

When it all gets a bit heavy and dense…I go to the ocean, and take my beloved co-pilot with me. Some folks may want to fly to Mexico, or Peru, or Florida, OR…but for me a Staycation is medicine for a bit too much sadness and heaviness. Yesterday, I dared to ask for a locals discount at my favorite beach, Asilomar…and when they said yes, so did we. Today I am back home refreshed and a new humanoid. They offered a locals discount AND no pet fee. It was a sign from the beneficent universe to get my butt packed up and GO!

We didn’t arrive til after four, but one long beach walk is all it took to feel the anxiety and weight of the world slip off my shoulders and disappear into the fog. It didn’t even matter that it wasn’t warm, it didn’t matter that it wasn’t clear, it was the ocean. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to get out of town, even for less than 24 hours, even when it is less than 24 minute drive away…to get a fresh perspective. After all, if I”m paying a boatload in rent to live in a beautiful place, I can take time to let that beauty sink in deeply. Especially right now, when the world feels completely upside down.

Being willing to lay down the load is so important. I sometimes think some ancestor far in my distant lineage thought it was ‘a stupid waste of time’ to have fun. To relax. To refresh. You should be saving the damn planet, can’t you see it’s all falling apart? At my age, I have come to see this voice in my head and just say, “Yes, thanks for sharing…but we are going.” It still takes a little bit to really let the beauty in deeply.

You know how I knew it would be wise to go? I didn’t want to get out of bed the last few days. I didn’t want to do anything at all. Didn’t do my morning meditation, didn’t do my yoga, didn’t even walk my dog. When I saw that, it was like….”Oh-Oh.” “PULL UP, PULL UP!!!” Don’t spiral!

There is something about the ocean, that just washes all that away. The vastness, the steadiness, the ocean accepts everyone…no matter what kind of mood you are in. How many humanoids know how to offer that kind of inclusiveness, that kind of equanemity? Then there are all the other creatures…and plants, waves, birds and magic. My weekend is Tuesday and Wednesday, so part of the magic was having a completely wide open beach Wednesday morning.

What I find is, once I feed a little bit of joy, more pops up to say ‘hi!’ Like I have new eyes or something, and am noticing for the first time all these communities of beings. Like the plant beings, and the grass, and the flowers…and of course the birds. When I’m out for just a walk, it’s different. This time…that little bit of joy of staying over, opened up the little bit of joy of hanging out. Hanging out! That is such a different vibe then, let’s get the dog walked and then get to the grocery store, then do the chores. I spent hours with the camera out for the first time in months. Because the best way to honor beauty, besides drinking it in and saying thank you…is to play with my camera and share that beauty.

When I look with refreshed eyes, I can see the communities. The communities of plant beings, how they dance together. The communities of feathered ones, and even the communities of humans. Everyone one of which, is doing their own thing. They are not watching the news, they are not catastrophizing, they are being themselves in the beauty of nature. Some communities are really easy to see, like the flocks of Pelicans flying by.

Earlier in the day there was the dance of dogs and dog owners…because it’s a dog friendly beach. Later there were the rocks and the waves. When I looked really closely I could see layers of communities; showing the interconnection of these separate species all sharing this sacred space called ‘ocean.’ Plant yourself on a rock and see what reveals itself. When I planted myself on a rock and looked out to sea, I found another rock. Layered behind that rock of the black birds preening, was the humans seeing, what there was to see. I can sense them leaning over the rail to look deep into the ocean of mystery. Even when I am alone with my co pilot, it is never, never just ‘me.’

That is what refreshes, restores my own humanity. To see so many other species, and their ease. Whether they fly high in the sky or low and fast…whether they are tiny or big, they make it look so easy, just to be. When it feels like humanity has quite forgotten the vast numbers of other species, it gives me joy to witness all of this diversity. They seem to say, “you don’t have to be like me; for you and I to be ‘we'” Together we can share this rock, we can share this sky, and this beautiful sea. Their message, their way of being, lifts my heart and helps me sing a different song that dread and grieving.

Less than 24 hours, to become a brand new person. The earth needs us to be alive and passionate. That which brings light to my eyes, brings love to the earth. So I followed the joy and through the lens of a camera, I share this beauty. There are so many different perspectives from which to see, this vast, magnificent mystery. Now I have the energy to begin anew with those practices that will see me through difficulties. This local staycation, helps me have the stamina to offer freshness to others in my circles. It’s never just for me that I go to the sea.

As an empath, I sometimes find I get knocked on my butt and just need deep rest. Then I may ask myself, “am I depressed?” But deep rest is not the same thing. Grief can knock me on my butt but then if I allow my body deep rest, energy comes back. My experience has been grief comes in waves. What is not to grieve these days? And in the coming years, I anticipate that the skill of embracing grief and finding ways to honor and include it is going to be more and more important as a skill set…both individually and for communities. Transmuting heavy energies through ritual and ceremony helps me honor a loss and come back to life…revived.

Western culture is not much for grief though. Neither is my blood family, so it is a journey to find my own way that may not be a match for others in my family. Finding my tribe in this way, is a nourishing relief. My root teacher has taught me to acknowledge to others when something is really impacting me, so others don’t misperceive changed behavior. Soon after finding out about my nephew’s death I definitely was in a state of shock, yet still going to work and ‘functioning.’ I’d find myself working in the wrong room, and a coworker would have to let me know I need to be in a different room. That happened more than once. One morning, when my boss asked how I am, I kind of stared at her blankly and said, ‘not great but I’m here.’ So, that day, I went to some coworkers individually and let them know of a recent death in my family so they can understand my forgetfulness and distraction better.

Honoring life, even when that life didn’t go how you would want it to go…is also a way to transform energy. I set up an altar for my nephew and am able to say what is in my heart over a period of time. I trust I’ll know when to take it down. I sing songs to him, express any regrets and also listen. It’s a way for me to express love. Some communities already know to do things like this, some families already know to do this or some other ritual, but within my family lineage…I am doing it alone. We all live in different states, both geographically and states of consciousness. But I know that I am never really alone. All of my guides and guardians are with me, and his may be too. When it was time, I asked one spiritual sister to come over and we did and Honorable Closure ritual together. Even though this sister did not know my nephew, she brought her loving heart to honor him with me. Together we held energy for a beautiful journey home for him and thanked him for his life. Knowing when to reach out, and who is safe to reach out to helps me get back up.

But before it was time for that honorable closure ritual, I was/am riding lots of different emotions on different days. Rage rises even if it is not ‘pretty’. In the early days, because my nephew died of an overdose, any upset around addiction was ripe to rise up in me. Whether I wanted that or not. I found myself yelling at my other brother, (not the father of my nephew) and it was like a volcano erupting. Stuff that had been rattling around my head for years came spewing out like hot lava and although it was not ‘hateful’; it was angry.

I got off the phone because I saw my inner stability was not there. But to my brother’s credit, he gave me space to express that without flinching, or taking it personally. Not twenty minutes later I called back to apologize. Under that rage is grief. When I can’t control the outcome…I can’t protect my nephew or my nephew’s father…that ‘out of control’ feeling manifested for those few minutes as rage. But later that day it was sobbing; because expressing rage opened the door to crying. The grief could run through like a river, rather than getting lodged in my body as some pocket of toxic stuck energy. As I mentioned before, it comes in waves. MY job is to allow it to run though and not fight it.

Knowing my way is not “The Way”, I can feel free to invent my path as I walk it. Long ago, I learned my path was just that; not everyone’s but uniquely mine. That doesn’t make others wrong and me right. It’s important not to get lost in that judgmental, dualistic way of looking. Sometimes, I forget. Sometimes I slip into that ‘make wrong’ energy. I wished more family had come together to honor my mother four years ago when she died, and when my nephew died and I heard there is no service, it reminded me of that. But listening to a friend share about abrupt loss of children that are still young, I realized different parents have different ways. Especially in traumatic conditions. Coming back and looking with the eyes of love and understanding I could drop my ‘viewpoint’ that ‘it should be different!’ I could come back to, I need to honor this in my own way and invite people in that resonate and can support that and let go of how other people do their journey.

Allowing the fact that we all have different views on what death is, I come back to my own path. Because I can only walk my path. Maybe that is enough right now. The little girl in me so wants to make this better for the parents of my Nephew, like I can wave some magic wand and take away their pain. But I can’t do that. I can see them in their own light, with their own strength and resilience. I can trust them on their path, difficult as it is right now. I can calm that little girl in me that thinks it’s her job to make this better.

How many families are facing an overdose death right now? How many families struggle in some way with a member or members of the family having life ruining addictions to something? This is not personal to my family. Maybe that is why I have the courage to share it, to write about it, to speak it. Because I know there are so many others doing their best to navigate this darkness; this loss.

My job is not to fix the crisis of addiction, my job is to live a full life and share my heart. Name it and it has less power. Share it, and it becomes less personal and more a journey in transforming collective suffering. My connection to Ryan has gone so much deeper since his death. I find ways to honor his life, and be here during his transition. Part of my work here is to help some folks in their death transition. This is a call back to my own heart work.

Last night I went out on my friends land and she offered to do a ceremony with and for him at a crystal wheel at the edge of the ocean. It was a dance of communication beyond the veil and an honoring of the courage it takes to incarnate into this life and deal with all of the challenges and traumas. Doing ritual and ceremony acknowledges that we are not alone in this journey. It activates the support of a whole community of beings unseen, that can assist in this transition, no matter what the conditions that cause death of the physical body. I trust in the mystery, and sharing that is my offering today. Sometimes death, can be a strong call back into a heart centered life.

I don’t expect much, when grief is by my side…

Come home and close the doors and the windows to my perceptions today. No news is the best news now. No big hike today either, because I couldn’t find my shoes. MY hiking boots are still hiding. Smiling to me in their own way, waiting til another day when they will reveal themselves. This is one of those days where whatever way the wind blows, I goes. So the ocean it was. So clean and crisp and blue. And my wonderful co pilot by my side, slowing us down, my dog is over ten now…we actually sat on a bench and just stared out. I Forget that is allowed, to sit down on a bench and breathe, just Be. When I gave up easily on the hike, I still knew I needed to get outside. Even for this short walk. I can touch the ocean out there and I can open to the ocean in here.

Now I am back home, the dog snoring, the wind blowing, the fridge is making that humming noise. Come home to now. Half done dishes in the sink, wandering around looking for that pot with the sand in it, which holds my incents as they burn. I lit the incents then realized I didn’t know where that pot was. Wandering the house, incents in hand…then landing on the stairs. I put it on a can of La Croix water, laid on the steps and cried. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to wander around in a glazed state. Eventually I found that pot for my incents next to the Grief Altar. I know how to hold my own grief…without making it an enemy.

My nephew died of an overdose and though I did not know him well; I still feel run over by a truck. The feeling of peeling yourself off the pavement, while remaining functional when you have to. But there are times, when I don’t have to be functional…and now is one of those lovely windows of time. Where I can listen to the gentle snoring of the dog, drink water, and write nothing all that special. Just to write. Because I haven’t for oh so very long…written anything, shared writing of the heart.

After returning from the Memorial Retreat of Thich Nhat Hanh, I was drawn to watch “Dopesick” because I knew my nephew had addictions that I did not understand. I”ve had addiction, I know what it’s like to rifle through the back seat of my car looking for change to buy ciggerrettes. I know what it’s like to want to quit, but not quite be ready….then quit, start again, quit, and start again. Eventually…after ten years, quitting forever. But this addiction to other things…I did not understand.

Gentle guidance allowed in (watching “Dopesick”), helped me prepare for this loss. Through “Dopesick” I touched the suffering of opiods, heroine addiction and the ripple of suffering that radiates out from there into the family, and society. How a person’s life gets consumed by seeking that next fix and how their personality changes. How easy, and frequent it is….that people overdose. But today is not about writing all that…it’s about coming home to this present moment and remembering to breathe.

Writing is like the dog snoring, it is a way to come home to taking care of myself. Today, I had to ‘learn’ how to get back onto my own blogsite. So long it has been. Looking at myself with the eyes of compassion, allowing me to be dazed and glazed knowing tomorrow is another day where I may be more clear minded; it allows me to look at others with the same eyes of compassion. I don’t expect much, when Grief is by My Side.