Awakening to the magic all around us all of the time through the power of nature, connection and mindfulness, insight and photography…doing my part to share beauty with heart.
“Find courage to do that Shadow dance of awakening.”
When I get a wee bit overwhelmed with the outer world, I can always come home to Shadow. There she is, right in front of me. Sometimes she’s off to my side. Sometimes she hangs out behind me. Sometimes I forget she is even there. When I do see her, it makes for fun photography. The rocks bathed in Shadow, the blessing stick points out above her head due south, she invites me to recognize her presence. When the world is upside down, inside out and feeling a tad bleak ‘out there’ I come home to her. I meet her where she is now.
What is in my heart is in the world and what is in the world, is in my heart. Start here, my dear. Find courage to do that Shadow dance of awakening. First call back the heart parts, those pieces that have flown off either in tantrums of anger or dispersion from the never ending S.O.S coming from children in Gaza. You know the ones, buried beneath the rubble that no one wants to actually see or talk about. My getting buried there with them, will not help them. Breathe those pieces back home through the crown of my head into the trunk of my abdomen then down through my feet into this beautiful Mother Earth. Call all your pieces back from those heart breaks of your life. Everyone has their own unique heartbreak right now. Empaths beware, scattering your sensitive selves all over the planet may deplete your energy and focus.
There comes a time when it is impossible to ignore Shadow. Turning left, turning right, I can see her in her full might. “People Suck!” she declares. “They lie, they cheat, they bomb, they beat…over and over and over again!” “What are you going to do about it?!!” she demands, stomping her foot. Well, I have written all the people ‘out there.’ Many, many, times. You know the ones, the ones who are ‘the other.’ The ones who choose war as a path to peace.
It is easy not to see, just like Shadow sometimes trails behind, that this war is also inside of me. In this very moment, I am not being bombed or starved. My house still stands. My food is in the refrigerator. But I’ve starved my love of humanity and bombed others with opinions of how they and I ‘should be.’ So when I find myself really at a loss of what to do, I embrace Shadow and begin anew. Starting over with my Self, starting over with the two legged species. Calming that little child who has been running wild with pain inside. I hold her gently and draw her in. “I know your rage comes from love, together let us find a way back to that safe place within.”
“They lie, they cheat, they bomb, they beat…”
Preventing people entry with a Muslim ban, pushing people out with Immigrants are dangerous jam…is not different than preventing people entry to my own heart with No People Allowed here; my heart’s door slammed shut. Got racism? I got something Biggerly at times, all two legged style discrimination. Can I smile to that part of me and say, ‘Yes, I see you once again dear. Come close and I will take good care of you. I will not banish you or ignore you or punish you; I will tenderly transform you into a voice and heart of love.’ I know it starts here.
The rest of whatever time I have left on this ball of mud and beauty will be spent cultivating my heart vision and sowing seeds from there. Into Me See deeply (intimacy) comes from heart, not intellect. So, I go to tree. There are trees twice as old as me. There are trees twenty times as old as me. They are such generous beings. Never asking me what I can do for them. They just sway in the wind this way and that, laugh through their leaves and wink at me. I have my very own tree I have been climbing for many, many years. She is my friend, confidant, advisor and healer. I find my heart in the arms of a tree.
Being of the Western culture, the collective trance of the North…I have the same invisible programming as everyone around me…you have to achieve, accomplish, earn, accumulate to have a life that shines. But in the arms of my tree, I can remember humility. I can reconnect with the invisible strands that brought this land into being. All is invisible before becoming manifest. Taking a rest and letting that cultural set of beliefs fall away with ease while the wind blows through me and my tree.
If your heart is like mine, it may feel like it’s being ripped apart by the mirror reflecting back a forgetting of what is sacred…like children. Children are sacred. Children of all species the tree reminds me every time I want to stop at Human Children are Sacred. The earth, the earth is also sacred. We will continue to be reminded. I have been told there will be those who will lose everything that they now take for granted. Many millions if not billions have forgotten the earth and also have not seen her as a living being with her own volition. But many are awakening. Tree told me I also have forgotten from time to time that all comes from her, all comes from mother earth. After forgetting, there is a remembering but before that remembering perhaps there is a dismembering, pieces of ourselves flying this way and that. “Do you remember me? I am part of you…”
As I lay in the arms of a tree sometimes an ant will come bite me. Then I real eyes, I am not the only being here, maybe not even the most important one of all. The ant gives its’ life to help me wake up. “Hey- you are laying on us, you fat ass!” Oh dang! Let me move over; my revelry disrupted by realization. Do you have any idea how many beings live in a tree? Well, it certainly isn’t just me, and it isn’t even just the beings that I can see. Yesterday, lizard scampered across my chest, feeling my heart was a safe haven for us both.
How to make heart a safe haven…bring your attention and presence into heart. No, I’m not just talking MY heart, although that’s where I start. I can get caught in mind so much of the time, dread…despair…indignation…grief…then relief as I bring my eyes down into my heart. Removing them from headlines or what’s out there; I come back to what’s in here. There can be pain in here, a throb…an ache. Tears are the drops of compassion that can make fresh the dried and cracked places. Places I may have forgotten or neglected. From teardrops of compassion new seeds are watered. How to stay in a heart space? Be in nature and remember this earth is billions of years old. She is holding so many species of plant, animal and human form. Not charging rent, not shaming me for ingratitude. Some grace there. Gratitude is a blessing for us both, but sometimes I forget.
“But the dissolution is making room for a new song.”
Heart Vision is a felt space, not a thinking place. Coming out of the thinking place is the only way to enter the ocean of knowing. Taking the little child of me by the hand when she screams, “We Must Fix IT!!!” I hold her gently in my arms. Just like tree holds me. ‘Can we see through the eyes of more than one being?‘ To the caterpillar that can no longer walk, everything is wrong. But this dissolution is making room for a new song.
I remind her gently to rest in tree from who I have heard, the child’s heart is what will save humanity. A child’s heart is my best part. The one who cares, loves, and sees. But now come home my dear, after flying everywhere to nurse the wounds of the world…come home. Enjoy this lizard who loves your song, enjoy the leaves glistening in light, turning this way and that. The world will keep turning as she has for billions of years. My friend the lizard has been around millions of years. Dragon fly whispered to me one day she used to be as big as me, on an earth that existed before humans.
“Dragon fly whispered to me one day, she used to be as big as I am…”
After my mother ‘died’ she left me a sign. It was the corpse of a dragon fly laid meticulously on a small wisdom card showing hands emanating light. When I see a dragon fly, I know my mom is by my side. My mother also loved butterflies, right after she died I needed butterflies. Death is a game of hide and seek…butterfly invites me to take a peak at what could lie on the other side of death, destruction and war. The paradigm of a species that has lost it’s way in the fabric of all life. Don’t forget to rise highermy dear and be one who can imagine what is currently not yet seen on the outside. Butterfly reminds me to be an imaginal cell. “Gather yourselves,” she murmurs. Don’t bother condemning that soupy mess outside. There’s work to be done. Yes, there is and what better place to do heart work such as this than in the arms of a tree?
“The flowers are not beating themselves up for not blooming faster.”
The magic of nature’s beauty is the ever present moment. The flowers are not beating themselves up for not blooming faster. The golden fields of grass are not lamenting last month when they were not golden but green. All of that extra helping of suffering is unique to human beings. It’s funny, I have had self forgiveness ritual on my ‘to do’ list for weeks. Maybe longer? Am I too busy to forgive? If I’m putting off forgiving myself, who else am I putting off forgiving?
Smiling to ‘all of it’ is a practice for these times. It doesn’t mean I have to like all of it, all that is playing out on the world stage, but that I can breathe and smile. Breathing in, I know I am alive, breathing out…I give thanks. Breathing in I am allowing myself to meet myself, breathing out… let go. Forgiveness is a letting go. Letting go that it shouldn’t be how it is, or they shouldn’t be or I shouldn’t be how I am. A letting go of the past so I can be present.
I have boatloads of journals. I’ve been keeping them since being a little kid. It runs in the family from a mom who kept notebooks of private scribblings forever too. I have emptied half the boat, and with every notebook that’s gone into recycling I feel a bit more space. There were sacred nuggets worth hanging onto as well. It’s like panning for gold in a river…peering through the water into the prospectors pan and deciding what to do with what’s in there. Is this gold or is this silt? I’ve found some dark stuff in there, where I am enraged and saying to the lines of the notebook what I could not say aloud. Where I use the notebook to tell it like it is so I am not burning the bridge of connection with a father decades ago. That sheet got pulled out to put into the sacred forgiveness ritual. The one I keep putting off.
Self forgiveness and forgiveness of others, I think it’s the front and back of the same hand. So for those of you brave souls who wish to do this with me, ritual is a party game that actually gives perks. Honoring all of it can come from naming it. So with pen and paper I am going to (no really write now!) write down any places of self disappointment or recrimination. Even if they are old, stale, and moldy. I do ritual when I want to compost energy. It is so easy, so quick and it works. I have a black pot that I use for these sacred rituals. I call in my guides and ancestors and let fire take what I have written and consume it. Sprinkle sage in there for good measure and give thanks. Thank you for helping me name and release this…making space for something fresh.
A small fire ritual with a few scraps of paper I’ve emptied my heart into is a proactive step in lightening up. If you choose to try this find a quiet place with paper and pen and ask what there is to forgive or let go of and let your hand keep going uncensored until your heart is empty. This is a private ritual tonight, but fire ritual can also be a collective ceremony.
“A small fire ritual with a few scraps of paper I’ve emptied my heart into…”
Ritual helps keep the energy moving and not get constipated so to speak. Accepting what is allows me to be more fresh. It is a constant invitation to ask spirit to help me transmute heavy energies and let go of old ways of thinking. Fire is the great alchemist, burning is also purification. No judgement needed. I don’t think I am the only one feeling the intensity of these times. So maybe sharing simple tools can help you too. If you are curious enough to try it, I am cheering you on. Fire ritual is not a once off for me, it is a tool I use just like I use the vacuum cleaner to suck up dirt from the carpet. I don’t vacuum once a year. I do it regularly to keep a clean house. Ritual helps me keep a cleaner energetic house. There are so many different possibilities and follow your intuition and your heart when creating a ritual for transmutation in your own life. I have burned what I wrote while I paused writing this post, I have burned the ripped out sheet from the old journal too. I feel lighter. Through self acceptance just bee-ing can bee enough! However, human that I am, I will enjoy checking off ‘self forgiveness ritual’!
“Through self acceptance, just bee-ing can bee enough!”
Usually a visit to see dad gets meticulously scheduled. Including running in between flights at the Phoenix airport so I am not sitting around wasting time on a layover. This time, I sat around a TON. This time I drove. Why not be in nature and see parts of the earth that I have never seen? Why not take my time? Let go of the structures like my daily routine, news, and watching the dismantling of a country I knew once upon a time. Why not come back home to Mother Earth on my way to see my quite old dad and not quite as old bro?
Epic beauty is a way out of the muck of the mind. Not just my mind, although my mind can get mucky, but the collective mind. Disconnect from news, take a walk on the wild side and see how incredibly small I am. I do mean incredibly small. Like an ant. How many gazillions of years have these mammoth rock beings been here? What have they seen? Who else has trod through the canyons I’m walking in now? How many more to come?
“How many gazillions of years have these mammoth rock beings been here?”!
“Lucky me.”
When I’m with the kind of rugged, gigantic swaths of rock that I discovered on this trip, I can’t help but see Earth Time, as opposed to Human time. In human time 95 years is a very long life. In Earth time 95 years is the blink of an eye. The length of time the United States of America has existed as the U.S. may be less than four blinks. It’s a different perspective.
When I hold both at the same time I can relax into the knowing that the show goes on. Like my dad says, “Things have a way of working out.” The other half that he doesn’t say all of the time, but includes frequently is…”They may not work out how we’d like or want them to, but they do have a way of working out.” Sage wisdom from approaching 100 years on earth. Ninety six on June 25. His other favorite motto is, “Lucky me,” when talking about his life.
Like any step into the unknown, there was a little stress getting ready for this roadtrip. It vanished as I saw how vast my country is with stretches where I drove for hours while seeing no other car on the road. I realized I could drive 80 legally in Utah….Huzzah! And I began to see how epic and diverse the beauty of Mother Earth is in places previously unknown. That just made me smile huge on most of the drive. How generous the earth is, how beautiful and how vast. When I was driving out of California it was vibrant green, when coming through the other states like Utah and Colorado there was rugged rocky beauty. Just like the folks in this country are different in many ways and the same in others…the beauty of the earth is very different in some ways and the same in others. Like with people, if you look for beauty surrounding you, you will find it in any season.
“How many bird songs do you know?”
In these times of international chaos and tumult…find your medicine. For me medicine is finding the ebb and flow of the natural world versus the artificial world that has lost itself in separation. How many bird songs do you know? How many times do you look down at your feet and wonder who lives below the surface of the earth where men and women walk? Can you see the budding mushrooms waving hello to you as you walk to your car?
I had a safe journey out and back. But it just made me want to go again, and again. How much beauty can I take in during one nanno second lifetime? Not sure, but I’m going to do my best to be awake for all of it. Whether on a road trip, running to work, or hanging in the livingroom with co pilot…be there for all of it. Let in every tidbit of goodness into your life. We don’t know how long it will last, so enjoy the ride.
So it may be a bit of an understatement to say I’m not an early adapter. It’s amazing I”m walking upright on two legs having made the leap (without technology I might add) from all fours to a fully upright walking humanoid. Bravo! When it comes to technology however, the pattern of regressing back into diapers can happen. I just want to throw my head back in full tantrum mode yelling, “I don wanna!” That has been part of my machinery, part of my B.S. That is up until now, because now I am diving into upgrading old B.S.
Some may assume I mean bullsh*t when I say “B.S” I leave it to you to decide if that fits. I am actually referring to Belief Systems. Somewhere along the line it got hard wired into me that learning new tech stuff is an unwanted pain in my butt. But if you look under that belief there is the lil kid of me with knees knocking together saying more…”I can’t. I don’t know how. I’m stupid. It’s hard.” And on and on. We usually just see the top layer of the belief and rarely go a few layers down. Like a Belief layer cake they are all piled one on top of the other covered by the frosting called ‘resistance.’
So I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but technology has it’s little hands in everything. Often times making things possible that were never possible before…like zoom meetings with people coming into the same space from all over the world. Or the fantastic cameras on cellphones these days. Or, well I”m sure there’s other stuff too.
Back to my own belief and how it has held me back. I LOVE nature. Love sharing nature, love writing, love sharing transformation. So out of my love and passion for those things, I committed to some upgrades in technology. Like a new printer (not new any more), a new imac (sort of new) and a new wild life camera. All a part of the master plan of launching into livelihood I love.
Do you ever notice you put things off that you don’t feel skilled at? Is that just me, or is that a we thing? Like if I put it off long enough, I’ll get confident and skilled and want to use the thousand dollar camera I bought!
Bringing old B.S. out of the shadows and into the light takes a gentle touch and compassion. It usually is just a little kid’s story anyways. We don’t want to hit our little kid upside the head. It’s more like acknowledging that maybe what the little kid has made up isn’t actually true. Like maybe the boogie man doesn’t live under the bed. And maybe I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to set up an imac or my wildlife camera. It doesn’t have to be true to be a road block. That is why occasional upgrades are so important!
So going all in on a belief upgrade would be to say, “this could actually be fun!” These beliefs aren’t only around technology. If you look in your own closet you might see some beliefs that have been hanging out for a long time taking up space but not really benefiting you.
One of my ancestral belief patterns is “I don’t need your help.” Even if a little bit of help would be just lovely. The automatic thought, the automatic words are ‘I got this.’ I remember walking with my dad in ski boots looking for his car at altitude when he forgot where he parked. We are walking, no idea at all where we are going, half frozen. A kind soul stopped and rolled down the window, “Need a lift?” “Nope, no thanks!” I could have socked him one. (Not really my hands were frozen.)
Fast forward a million years and I’m in my apartment trying to lug a queen sized mattress by myself to the garage. You ever have those moments when there is an out of body witness watching you do what you are doing and they are shaking their head at you? I know my neighbors on both sides and have good relations. It’s amazing I could get this huge thing into the garage on my own. I could have asked for help but the machinery from old B.S. just did not permit that grace. So where do you have some old machinery running?
“It’s amazing I could get this huge thing into the garage on my own.“
By the way this is not just an individual thing. It’s transmitted in families and by culture. Yet it is invisible and unacknowledged by most. There is such power in being able to look at the wiring of beliefs that are running my life. Because then I can entice new beliefs into the game. Back to the camera. It took time, but eventually I did decide to shift my attitude and found such ease in setting up wildlife settings with the free help of an online offering by a very young and passionate wildlife photographer. In the time it’s taken me to get it set up, he’d grown into a young man that has made a wildlife documentary. Resistance from old stories causes delay. Sometimes forever, sometimes a week, sometimes years. Sniff out those old stories that feed beliefs that are full of b.s.
Our culture is an instant gratification fest. So learning a new skill that takes more than two seconds…have to think about that. And I am thinking about the fact I’ve never cropped a photo and never edited a photo. So new skills are awaiting. What if that was a good thing?
Here’s another thing I noticed in my belief system. I expect things to last forever. Like I will use something until it is totally warn out. I drove my last car over 240,000 miles. But that is just one option. You can sell stuff! You can sell camera equipment! It’s not a marriage. So that was another belief. That there is just the one way. Use it forever. Rather than, if this is not fun I can sell my lenses. To be open to see it unfold is something that takes the pressure off. That transfers to any area of life.
Our beliefs shape how and what we see. I was lugging this huge wildlife lens around on my walk today and I witnessed the thought, ‘bird photography is hard with this…” As I witnessed the thought, I replaced it with it could be easy. I found a bird that just wanted to give me a million chances to photograph him. I took so many pictures, playing with the different buttons in between. So what drew me into this in the first place is love of land, love of animals and wanting to honor nature and share her beauty. The rest is just minutia. But sometimes I forget that. The hawks also gave me a million opportunities today to photograph them. More on that later. I laid on my back and found I was much less shaky holding that huge thing to take the photos. It’s all an experiment. Like the rest of life. Might as well have some fun with it.
I found a bird that just wanted to give me a million chances…
I don’t know about you, but I am a bit of a list maker. Lately I’ve been a lazy, on strike list maker. Nevertheless, lists are part of my daily mojo. This morning was a slow start ‘make coffee and write’ morning. That’s until my friend texted me, “Any chance you can hike Sobrannes?” A full body ‘Yes!’ arose when I read the text. Suddenly, the slumpy energy of nesting and writing disappeared into get those hiking boots on girl, right now! Sometimes it’s easier to rally energy when some playmate is out there wanting to meet at the monkey bars. My monkey bars is nature and yet it often doesn’t make the to do list. Like, I have the mail in ballot on my kitchen table to fill out, my rent contract to renew, and the house…oh MY…the house is a disaster zone. Don’t forget the dog, got to walk the dog, and the cat box! You get the idea. But a full body yes, is a full body yes and it means get those hiking boots on.
Part of joy is having tribe…
Whenever we meet it is usually non stop heart talk while walking together through beauty. From sharing dreams and the medicine that came from the dream, to sharing family secrets, and everywhere in between including the upcoming election. This is a friend who I heard her name come through sitting in my car in the driveway, out of the blue. So, I googled the name to find a local Art Therapist (whatever that is) near Big Sur. Like me, she respects and listens to guidance, so when I reached out way back when we connected right away. I know Spirit gifted me this soul sister at the right time. Hiking in Big Sur with her is so much easier to rally for when my mind is telling me ‘I’m too tired for that.’ Part of joy is having tribe, folks who get you and that you can pick right back up with even if it’s been a year since seeing each other.
Where is your joy? How often do you hear the voice in your head saying, ‘yeah, but I don’t really have time for that today.’ Or for me it was, ‘I don’t have the energy for that today.’ Or for some it might be, ‘I don’t have the money for that today.’ Joy is waiting. You and only you know what feeds your joy.
Especially during these times, it’s vital to know what brings light to your eyes. We all need a little more of that, people who are lit up from the inside by their own lives. With the collective energy field in tumult it’s even more important, not less important, to feed joy. I forget that sometimes. So compelled to do my part for Gaza, to show up in ways that are a bit heavy and hard. I show up to places it’s hard to see if it’s making a positive difference at all. It’s even more important to feed joy, so my stamina and commitment last for the long haul.
There is also the western programming, “When this, then that.” When everything else is perfect, I will nourish myself. When I have a degree, that’s when my life starts. When there is whirled peas, or world peace, that is when I can exhale. When my house is not a disaster zone, I can go hike in the sunshine. The if this, thenthat can hide in the background unseen running the show if we don’t pull the curtain back to witness it. ‘If people would wake up, then I could be happy.’ Kay, maybe just be happy and help people (including myself) wake up, instead.
Taking time to feed joy could look as simple as enjoying what I’m already doing. Yesterday I walked my dog at Asilomar, which is one of my favorite heart places. Even though he is 90+ doggo years old and we walk very slowly…we had a blast. Taking the judgment and comparison out and just being there, being with an aging being can also bring joy.
Especially during these times, it’s vital to know what brings light to your eyes.
Even rest can bring joy. Sitting in the sun and consciously inviting in the warmth of the sun onto my face. Choosing to let go of the ‘to dos’ even if for just five minutes. Connecting with the power and warmth of the sun to Restore energy can bring joy. The thing that zaps energy is when the mind runs amock with the ‘here comes the judge!’ channel. Self judgement or judgement of others are not the miracle grow for joy. I think acceptance and grace are more likely the gatekeepers. Even if it is acceptance of judgemental me, and grace that I can let it go at any time.
Acceptance, grace, patience, and humility help me water the seeds of joy. It’s not like I don’t have other seeds…guilt, shame, fear or anger. We all have all of it, whether it is currently popping it’s head above ground or staying dormant. The heavier emotions can zap energy. So knowing ways to refill the tank on a regular basis is part of self care right now. Also knowing ways to honor and release grief. I see within me the belief, what right do I have to feed joy when there are so many beings suffering right now? Many of them suffering as a direct result of my government’s weapons? How do I deserve joy, then?
Well, to that voice within I can attest that not wanting to get out bed in the morning does absolutely nothing for those beings who are suffering. Falling into despair can be a natural reaction to so much that feels beyond control…but finding ways out of despair is the medicine for our time. Part of that is permission to imbibe in joy. Having traveled the world earlier in my life I can tell you this; the brightest lights have come out of the deepest darkness. The people that I met during my travels that had experienced tragedy, and had composted it. They radiated light in such a powerful way. Some of them exuded joy, even though there was absolutely no visible reason in their circumstances that explained that joy. Their spiritual path helped them transcend their life circumstances and become a light house. So instead of feeling guilty about what my government is doing, I can see people in excruciating circumstances in their own resilience and power. I can also show up to be a voice for them.
Looking at myself with the eyes of compassion when that ‘Do I really deserve joy?’ rises, takes recognizing the part of me that might think I don’t deserve joy. Yes, we all deserve joy. Every single one of us deserve joy as our natural birth right. Driving to Big Sur, rocking out in the car to Rising Appalachia songs (go check their music out), I know feeding my own joy brings more light into the world. Here’s another secret, it also gives me energy to come back to the heavier work that I’m also called to. Watering seeds of joy and light gives me strength and courage to show up for the rest of it. So, what if you didn’t procrastinate your own joy? What if?
There will come a time when the bombers and the bombed see each other as brothers of one family. The family of humanity. Tears will glisten in their eyes and their hearts will break open with mutual forgiveness and weeping.
The addiction to numbing out and the hateful “othering” so prevalent in these times will have dissolved into a clear pool of compassionate heart wisdom. The generations that are here now will be long gone and the younger generations will have transformed seeds of enmity and ignorance into wisdom and love.
I believe in the young people. I water the seeds of goodness within them and I believe they deserve a world of harmony and love rather than hatred, greed, ignorance and violence. I hold that vision for them, and for us all right now. Those are the seeds I choose to water, those are the lives I will not forget about…our young ones yet to be born and our young ones on the planet right now.
I do not recommend self immolation as a form of protest…because there is so much a person can do with their lives over a period of many years with such a compassionate heart. I would rather teach young ones how to hold their rage, their frustration, their grief in such a way to be able to transform that suffering. Yet, I also must honor the motivation that leads to sitting in the fire as a way to wake us up. And people have sat in the fire, young people have sat in the fire. While I wrote my last post on September 11 as a way to cradle and transform my own suffering, a young man named Matt Nelson lit himself on fire across from the Israeli Embassy in Boston. He demanded a stop to the carnage in Gaza and for the U.S to stop sending more weapons and he died two days later. He used his life as a wake up call. Are we listening?
During the Vietnam war too, monks lit themselves ablaze trying to awaken the global community to their suffering and make the violence stop. A student of my Vietnamese root teacher took such an action when she was 23 years old in Vietnam. She was not a nun, she was a lay person but she chose to give her life in that dramatic way to make the suffering visible. I am so grateful that my spiritual root teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, did not chose that. Because his ripple of compassion has gone far and wide. From the ashes of war he has watered the seeds of peace in me and in so many others around the world.
The stories I tell are the seeds I sow. Can I tell stories of courage and compassion versus bigotry and nationalism? If I can see the war in my own heart, can I find ways to bring peace there? A smile is an act of peace. Willingness to forgive myself and others is also an act of peace. Witnessing and naming the suffering is an act of compassion. I sit with a meditation group inside of this Zen lineage. So blessed to have a group practicing metta (sending loving kindness). People from Israel, from Canada, from Berkeley, Arizona, New York and others sit in this group of Honoring Grief, Honoring Loss. While I sat this morning with my cup of coffee and zoom meeting; I was extraordinarily aware of those not in the circle. Palestinians in Gaza are not in the circle. They have no electricity, they have no homes, they have very little food, they have no schools for their children, they have no way to escape, and they have no zoom meditation meetings. Can I hold all of that? The young American citizen Matt Nelson inspires me to hold all of that.
I choose to see the vast privilege I have of not being bombed right now. I live next to Fort Ord, it used to be where soldiers did their basic training and practice before being deployed to Vietnam. I live in an apartment that used to be housing for soldiers. Fort Ord is now a protected National Park where I can walk freely. Many times, I pick up remnant bullets. Like all other things, war is impermanent.
I know below the anger lies an ocean of grief.
Coming home to this present moment I allow the goodness all of the way in. May the breaking open of my heart make room for more love and compassion. When anger arises within me may I have the wisdom to name it and instead of acting out of anger may I hold my anger tenderly like a mother holds a child. I know below the anger lies an ocean of grief. If we ever fully grieved any war, perhaps another would not arise.
Every Day Magic 