Awakening to the magic all around us all of the time through the power of nature, connection and mindfulness, insight and photography…doing my part to share beauty with heart.
This poem by Thich Nhat Hanh was written in 1978 after reading a letter from a Vietnamese refugee fleeing on a boat from war. A twelve year old girl on that boat was raped by a sea pirate and in despair she threw herself into the ocean and drown. Hearing of this, Thich Nhat Hanh was very angry and upset and did walking meditation most of the night to calm his emotions and to look deeply. This poem that has since been transformed into songs, different languages and circulated all over the world was a result of practicing to transform suffering.
They (the monastic community) received hundreds of letters each week sharing suffering from that time and reading them was difficult. But they chose as a community not to look away. This is what Thich Nhat Hanh said after reading this letter…
When you first learn of something like that, you get angry at the pirate. You naturally take the side of the girl. As you look more deeply you will see it differently. If you take the side of the little girl, then it is easy. You only have to take a gun and shoot the pirate. But we can’t do that. In my meditation, I saw that if I had been born in the village of the pirate and raised in the same conditions as he was, I would now be the pirate.
In times where I myself see Border Patrol agents killing civilians and disappearing immigrants with impunity, I share this poem again as a reminder to myself and whoever is willing to go deeper than duality while at the same time standing for justice and speaking up for our shared humanity. In the spirit of compassionate action founded in solidity and love, I share this poem again.
‘My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.’
Please Call Me by My True Names – Thich Nhat Hanh
Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow — even today I am still arriving.
Look deeply: every second I am arriving to be a bud on a Spring branch, to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.
I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry, to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death of all that is alive.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river. And I am the bird that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.
I am the frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond. And I am the grass-snake that silently feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks. And I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.
I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate. And I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.
I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my hands. And I am the man who has to pay his “debt of blood” to my people dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.
My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth. My pain is like a river of tears, so vast it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names, so I can hear all my cries and my laughter at once, so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names, so I can wake up, and so the door of my heart can be left open, the door of compassion.
Every day I have a choice which seeds I water and which ones I don’t. My dear friend Sonne Reyna from Hollister has a saying, “Bless the mess.” Not to have my head in the sand about the crisis point my country is in right now and pretend like it’s not happening but also not to get stuck like a fly on fly paper to the news of whatever is most violent. My friend has transitioned from this world but his words live on through me. And what a good time to hear those words, bless the mess.
Multiple dimensions of reality are co-existing at the same time just like multiple story tellers are telling their stories of the same events at the same time but they are very different stories. That is life. It is just way, way more obvious now as I sit in my quiet apartment in a ‘safe neighborhood’ with my dog at my side as so many others are living in fear right now. Whether it is fear of not having enough money, fear of being bombed, fear of being deported, fear of losing your health care…fear of losing your son who got shot during a traffic stop. Yes, someone lost their son a mile from where I live after he was shot during a traffic stop. Fear and anger go together as the energy of fight or flight takes over. In the United States right now fear and anger are being manipulated consciously to pit people against each other. Coming back to a calm, serene and kind state of mind is an act of rebellion. It is taking a stand for the kind of world I choose to live in and co create.
Breathing in I acknowledge all of the different realities, different perspectives, different beliefs, of different people and breathing out I let go. It’s not mine to carry in my body. I hold onto the awareness and I let go of the fear. Dear Empaths… please let go of what is not yours to carry and bless the mess. We need you right now in your full light and power, not sucked down the hole of fear, anger and despair. So many are rising up in their power and standing for the world they want to live in…I bow to you for your courage. I am doing that too, by writing, walking, speaking with love. You cannot transform hate with hate, only love can do that.
Me thinks we all have shadow. (By that I mean anger, fear, hatred, or other dense energies). Last time I checked, I definitely have shadow states. And where ever I go, if I look for it…shadow is always with me. I am on a media fast now, but last night I was viewing the different coverage of the same event of a U.S. citizen being killed by ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) agents. A Fox news guest was saying that the criteria for calling up the Insurrection Act had already been met in Minneapolis. CNN news anchor, on the other hand, was challenging the head of ICE that Alex Pretti, the citizen shot, was an imminent threat to his agents. This man went so far to call ICE agents the victims in the event even though it is citizen Alex Pretti left laying on the ground shot dead multiple times. So as events and peoples’ different interpretations of these events continue to unfold…how to be peace, even when anger or rage may be present. I am finding refuge by naming the Shadow. Like me; my country has Shadow states. Shadow is on full display right now so we get to see it as a community, as a nation, as a people. And choose. Just like during the Civil Rights movement. There are many narratives to choose from and some feed separation and continued dominance through force justified by keeping us safe. It is a time to be able to see with new eyes and bless the mess, knowing this is a doorway to something else…at least it could be if we take a collective stand for a new dream.
‘what am I taking a stand for?’
What seeds will I water today? Kindness, compassion, inclusiveness or hatred, enmity, superiority and vengeance? Who are my mentors? Who have clear view and have been through the fires yet still remain in their heart and choose to transform the anger, fear and despair by holding it gently. Who are your mentors? Who are you mentoring from a place of love? I’m asking myself these Questions and letting them ripple out further.
When I got back from my trip to the Amazon where I sat with tribal people and listened to deep heart stories, I had the intuition to offer a fundraising workshop for Gaza. At the time mass waves of grief, resignation, anger and confusion were up in me about what was unfolding in Gaza and the West Bank. The thought of doing a fundraiser made visible my feelings of helplessness to make a difference. Israel’s government was bombing and starving civilians and blocking aid from entering at that time. My mind said, “Why do a fundraiser for a non profit if it is going to be blocked from reaching the people who need it most?” Maybe people who are out in the streets in freezing temperatures in Minnesota may be asking why should I go out if I could get shot for protesting or monitoring/filming what is unfolding? Now so many months later, Israel is again blocking aid from 37 humanitarian groups while Gaza fades from the headlines and ICE protests are rising up in the media and in the streets in U.S. cities. The same techniques and narratives that allow Israeli Defense soldiers to break into a Palestinian home at 2 am and abduct a 15 year old U.S. citizen Mohammed Ibrahim from a small West Bank town ‘for throwing stones’ are being used daily to break into homes in the United States to take Illegal Aliens, except sometimes they are legal citizens who have never committed a crime. Ibrahim was arrested at 15 and held for over nine months without being charged with a crime. “It’s to keep the people safe and have law and order.” That teenager was returned to the United States after losing much of his body weight and nearly a year of his young life because some people in the United States advocated for his release. Most Palestinians are not so lucky and could stay in jail indefinitely without being charged, including children like Ibrahim. MLK said, “Injustice anywhere threatens justice everywhere.”
So the questions comes back up, ‘Where do I choose to stand?’ Now, like when questioning myself whether to offer a fundraiser, I choose to stand in love. A love that ripples out beyond my lifetime. I come back to that Buddhist teaching not to be attached to the result but to take right action. When people are being starved, when their hospitals, schools, homes have been bombed for over two years with U.S weapons it was right action for me to follow the guidance on a fundraiser regardless of the result. Hostage families, families who lost loved ones on October 7…and the hostages themselves both living and killed…their suffering matters. It should be named as well.
“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that it is worth doing, no matter how it turns out.” Vaclav Havel
Ask not only where do you choose to stand but what am I taking a stand for? This is the mojo that can help me get up in the morning, get the small self out of the way for magic to come through in service to others. I need to keep putting that in front of my face to remember in the midst of so much noise. Then find others who resonate with that stand. If I don’t know what it is, I can’t be fed by it. But if I’m clear on what I’m taking a stand for…watch out!! Like many visionaries, I am taking a stand for something that may or may not unfold in my lifetime.
“I am a pro activist…I choose to stand for something…” is how Lyn Twist the founder of Pachamama Alliance says it. Martin Luther King said it a different way, “I have a dream….” He stood for his dream of little black boys and girls having equal treatment to whites under the law at a time when police fire hoses and attack dogs were used against peaceful protestors and that was shown on the news. Back then black people were prohibited to vote their lives were considered less than. People who watched (some in horror) had the chance to ask themselves…is this who we are? The collective Seeing of that violence at that time was a part of transforming the violence and the legal system as well. Systemic injustices, systemic violence still flourish un-named in the shadows. Now they are being brought out into the light for those willing to see.
If you are not a Native American, then you have Immigrant Ancestors. The Native Americans of this land, the land where I live and work were killed en masse so that the people here now could have a better life than they had in the countries from which they came. People back when this country was being founded came for the same reasons that people come now to this country…for a better life. This country was founded on a genocide and ‘the stories’ that enabled that genocide to occur were that ‘they are savages’ and ‘we are civilized‘ and we need to be safe from you savages.
That is the Collective Shadow that has been ignored or unspoken in media that I’ve seen. How to stand for future generations of all people, all species and Mother Earth who sustains all forms of life? Now that is a question worth asking. As I hold hands with my own Shadow; seeing the parts of myself that feel like my needs are much more important than yours, that my safety is much more important than yours, that my wealth and health are much important than yours…and that my actions are justified no matter how they look to you…that is part of bringing harmony. What would happen if as a nation people could see their own Shadow states and started there? I am a stand for Harmony between people, animals, and earth…and that future generations have a planet to love, live and thrive on. So, roll up those sleeves and pull out that compost bin. Let’s start turning the muck into roses.
“The beauty can arise from the mud, look deeply and you will find the beauty.”
The beauty of this present moment is here now if I am here now. You are here, if I am here. When the mud of distraction is stirred up, a beautiful being can be standing right in front of me… a two legged being, a four legged being, or an eight legged being and I don’t even see them. Is the same true for you? Your son, your friend, your boss is right in front of you, can you see him/her? The gift of the present moment is here but sometimes I forget and get lost in dispersion surrounded by constant distractions. Stop thinking my dear, it is all right here. The beauty can arise from the mud, look deeply into the mud and you will find the beauty.
I live in a country where I can walk peacefully on the land, can go grocery shopping and eat whatever I want. I have a job, a home, a car and my health. I have friends on the path and loving animal companions. Begin with gratitude and deep awareness of whatever gifts are yours right now. How to hold the awareness of so much suffering and so much beauty co-existing at the same time? Gently, kindly, patiently, and humbly. When I lay in my tree, I hear there is nothing to fix. My mind has other opinions. Over time I have learned to trust the wisdom of tree more than mind. My tree, the one I climb almost daily has a tree friend now in the Amazon. I introduced them one to another. Find the wise ones in your life. Listen to them. Let yourself rest in their arms. You know who they are.
When I sat at the base of Grandmother tree I remembered to breathe deeper. She holds and supports all the other living beings with her steady tree presence. She supports all of them, without discrimination. Ceiba taught me to send my roots deep down like she does to gain more stability, peace and ease. I can still do it here and now, even though I am no longer in the Amazon jungle. You can too. You can send your roots deep into the earth.
“Cieba taught me to send my roots deep down like she does to gain more stability, peace and ease”
In the United States, the cultural belief your worth depends on what you do is deep. Get off your butt and do something, damn it! What have you done lately for peace, for justice, for your kid, or your job? But when I come back home to myself, I hear the message of Grandmother tree. ‘Being is medicine.’ Being stable, being loving, being kind…being wise. Being present. I don’t know her age but my guess is Grandmother tree is thousands of years old. This awareness makes me smile. As human beings, many have forgotten the ways of harmony. My tree here has told me patience is a super power. It’s a super power I am still cultivating as a human being that wants things now-now-now. I want peace, justice and all species honored and respected as sacred now-now-now!
Like millions of others worldwide who witnessed over 1200 Israelis and foreign citizens killed by horrific violence on October 7 in the year 2023, my heart broke and body froze. Flooded with memories of people I had met decades earlier on two separate Compassionate Listening delegations to Israel, the West Bank and Gaza; I had to come back and hold myself tenderly. Vivian Silver, a Canadian peace activist I met on one of those delegations was killed that day. Many innocents were killed on that day and tens of thousands have been killed in the spirit of retribution and revenge since then. Some hostages abducted that day still languish in Gaza.
Like I go to tree for refuge, I went to a Palestinian Sufi on October 8, 2023. He was a bright shining light emanating love far and wide when I met him in his home in the West Bank so many years ago. He transitioned since then but I still cried out to him, “What do I DO now?!!”
“Clean your heart of hatred,” his answer came swiftly. Now two years later, after more than 65,000 Palestinians have been killed, all of the universities in Gaza have been destroyed by U.S. bombs and countless children systematically starved and displaced…the same message came through again. “Clean your heart of hatred.” Make yourself into a light house that can shine brightly on all without exception. Clean.Clean deeply those hidden corners of prejudice, of rage, wrong perceptions. Let them melt into wisdom, compassion and Divine love that sees through different eyes. Decades ago, this same Sufi sat in my living room in Portland and shook his fist in the air, “I cannot hate anyone! I shine the love of God on all people, like the sun shines on all.” These memories are like seeds from so many great beings that I have met in this lifetime. They are buried in the garden of my heart.
Begin at home, my dear. My home is near a National Park called Fort Ord. I have collected a planter pot full of bullets which could easily have been a barrel full of bullets on my walks. Years ago people trained to kill ‘the enemy’ on Fort Ord in the midst of tree friends, the coyote and the hawk. The bullets from those days are strewn everywhere, I see them on every walk. I have made peace with the bullets on the land. They remind me that war is impermanent. Even as my country still exports more war in the form of bullets, bombs and weapons…I can walk in peace. I choose peace. The choice is mine at any moment.
“Don’t wait until there’s peace out there to have joy in here….“
Today, October 8, 2025 it is enough to clean my home and to clean my heart. To clean the windows through which I see the world. The best way to honor those people who have been standing for peace and being peace in the darkest places lifetime after life time is to kiss the earth with my feet as I too walk in peace. To clean the corners of my heart with kindness and patience, to clean the corners of my home. As I walk and clean and breathe deeper today why not invite in joy. Don’t wait until there’s peace out there to have joy in here…it’s now or never.
What if an angel whispered into your left ear softly, “You have one more month sweet one, until you transition.” Some of the biggest shifts in life come when the trance gets broken, by a gentle angels’ whisper or by the thwack of an uninvited life event. Life is impermanent said Buddha, but do I listen? Like, really…really listen? Who would you call right now if you only had today? What would you say? I”m not walking through this life review and death preview alone. Hell no! Like most other things in life, this game is more fun when played with others.
Sometimes the universe gives us that big thwack upside the head with illness, job loss, natural disaster, death of a friend or loved one after which realignment comes quickly. A million years ago, when I was still in broadcast television sales and feeling like a small white rodent spinning in place at varying speeds on a tread mill, a friend called. “Brett died in a motorcycle accident over the weekend in California…” her voice trailed off. Silence. Brett was her son-n-law and I had just met him at dinner a few weeks earlier . I did not know him well but I knew he was my age…32. He was married to her daughter with my same name. They were newly weds. Her daughter was over the moon happy to be married to Brett. They had only begun their journey together. Brett hit a guard rail on Laureles Grade Road in Monterey and died instantly.
That’s when I really got it….you never know when you will be ‘checked out’ of Hotel Human. Yes, I have ancestors as old as dirt, but when Brett died so did my assumption that I have forever. Tick Tock. Who has given you the gift of urgency in your life? What has made it real that you are going to die and maybe it’s time to re-prioritize? What has helped you wake up to make bold changes quickly? You know the kinds of changes, the ones you have been thinking about forever.
After Brett’s death, my 32 year old self gave notice at one of the ‘best jobs’ in terms of pay and benefits that I”d ever had. Now decades later, I have zip regrets. I”ve failed at many things since then…publishing books, making whirled peas, and holding onto a house in financial free fall. Did I mention I have no regrets leaving that well paying, secure job? I did, but it’s worth saying twice.
“Is it slowing down and witnessing the magic that is all around you?”
Now the angel is whispering in my ear. Brett’s death is just a distant memory. But I feel the same kind of urgency in my cells. Do you? What in life is calling you? Is it dancing, singing, playing with your grand children in the sand box? Is it birthing a project? Is it slowing down and witnessing the magic all around you? The earth is calling all of us to awaken, can you hear her? I can.
So again, I am inviting change. Again, I am willing to risk. Again, I remind myself what I have is right now, and the biggest risk of all is to go through life sleep walking. The angel gave you a gift, what are you going to do with it?
“Find courage to do that Shadow dance of awakening.”
When I get a wee bit overwhelmed with the outer world, I can always come home to Shadow. There she is, right in front of me. Sometimes she’s off to my side. Sometimes she hangs out behind me. Sometimes I forget she is even there. When I do see her, it makes for fun photography. The rocks bathed in Shadow, the blessing stick points out above her head due south, she invites me to recognize her presence. When the world is upside down, inside out and feeling a tad bleak ‘out there’ I come home to her. I meet her where she is now.
What is in my heart is in the world and what is in the world, is in my heart. Start here, my dear. Find courage to do that Shadow dance of awakening. First call back the heart parts, those pieces that have flown off either in tantrums of anger or dispersion from the never ending S.O.S coming from children in Gaza. You know the ones, buried beneath the rubble that no one wants to actually see or talk about. My getting buried there with them, will not help them. Breathe those pieces back home through the crown of my head into the trunk of my abdomen then down through my feet into this beautiful Mother Earth. Call all your pieces back from those heart breaks of your life. Everyone has their own unique heartbreak right now. Empaths beware, scattering your sensitive selves all over the planet may deplete your energy and focus.
There comes a time when it is impossible to ignore Shadow. Turning left, turning right, I can see her in her full might. “People Suck!” she declares. “They lie, they cheat, they bomb, they beat…over and over and over again!” “What are you going to do about it?!!” she demands, stomping her foot. Well, I have written all the people ‘out there.’ Many, many, times. You know the ones, the ones who are ‘the other.’ The ones who choose war as a path to peace.
It is easy not to see, just like Shadow sometimes trails behind, that this war is also inside of me. In this very moment, I am not being bombed or starved. My house still stands. My food is in the refrigerator. But I’ve starved my love of humanity and bombed others with opinions of how they and I ‘should be.’ So when I find myself really at a loss of what to do, I embrace Shadow and begin anew. Starting over with my Self, starting over with the two legged species. Calming that little child who has been running wild with pain inside. I hold her gently and draw her in. “I know your rage comes from love, together let us find a way back to that safe place within.”
“They lie, they cheat, they bomb, they beat…”
Preventing people entry with a Muslim ban, pushing people out with Immigrants are dangerous jam…is not different than preventing people entry to my own heart with No People Allowed here; my heart’s door slammed shut. Got racism? I got something Biggerly at times, all two legged style discrimination. Can I smile to that part of me and say, ‘Yes, I see you once again dear. Come close and I will take good care of you. I will not banish you or ignore you or punish you; I will tenderly transform you into a voice and heart of love.’ I know it starts here.
The rest of whatever time I have left on this ball of mud and beauty will be spent cultivating my heart vision and sowing seeds from there. Into Me See deeply (intimacy) comes from heart, not intellect. So, I go to tree. There are trees twice as old as me. There are trees twenty times as old as me. They are such generous beings. Never asking me what I can do for them. They just sway in the wind this way and that, laugh through their leaves and wink at me. I have my very own tree I have been climbing for many, many years. She is my friend, confidant, advisor and healer. I find my heart in the arms of a tree.
Being of the Western culture, the collective trance of the North…I have the same invisible programming as everyone around me…you have to achieve, accomplish, earn, accumulate to have a life that shines. But in the arms of my tree, I can remember humility. I can reconnect with the invisible strands that brought this land into being. All is invisible before becoming manifest. Taking a rest and letting that cultural set of beliefs fall away with ease while the wind blows through me and my tree.
If your heart is like mine, it may feel like it’s being ripped apart by the mirror reflecting back a forgetting of what is sacred…like children. Children are sacred. Children of all species the tree reminds me every time I want to stop at Human Children are Sacred. The earth, the earth is also sacred. We will continue to be reminded. I have been told there will be those who will lose everything that they now take for granted. Many millions if not billions have forgotten the earth and also have not seen her as a living being with her own volition. But many are awakening. Tree told me I also have forgotten from time to time that all comes from her, all comes from mother earth. After forgetting, there is a remembering but before that remembering perhaps there is a dismembering, pieces of ourselves flying this way and that. “Do you remember me? I am part of you…”
As I lay in the arms of a tree sometimes an ant will come bite me. Then I real eyes, I am not the only being here, maybe not even the most important one of all. The ant gives its’ life to help me wake up. “Hey- you are laying on us, you fat ass!” Oh dang! Let me move over; my revelry disrupted by realization. Do you have any idea how many beings live in a tree? Well, it certainly isn’t just me, and it isn’t even just the beings that I can see. Yesterday, lizard scampered across my chest, feeling my heart was a safe haven for us both.
How to make heart a safe haven…bring your attention and presence into heart. No, I’m not just talking MY heart, although that’s where I start. I can get caught in mind so much of the time, dread…despair…indignation…grief…then relief as I bring my eyes down into my heart. Removing them from headlines or what’s out there; I come back to what’s in here. There can be pain in here, a throb…an ache. Tears are the drops of compassion that can make fresh the dried and cracked places. Places I may have forgotten or neglected. From teardrops of compassion new seeds are watered. How to stay in a heart space? Be in nature and remember this earth is billions of years old. She is holding so many species of plant, animal and human form. Not charging rent, not shaming me for ingratitude. Some grace there. Gratitude is a blessing for us both, but sometimes I forget.
“But the dissolution is making room for a new song.”
Heart Vision is a felt space, not a thinking place. Coming out of the thinking place is the only way to enter the ocean of knowing. Taking the little child of me by the hand when she screams, “We Must Fix IT!!!” I hold her gently in my arms. Just like tree holds me. ‘Can we see through the eyes of more than one being?‘ To the caterpillar that can no longer walk, everything is wrong. But this dissolution is making room for a new song.
I remind her gently to rest in tree from who I have heard, the child’s heart is what will save humanity. A child’s heart is my best part. The one who cares, loves, and sees. But now come home my dear, after flying everywhere to nurse the wounds of the world…come home. Enjoy this lizard who loves your song, enjoy the leaves glistening in light, turning this way and that. The world will keep turning as she has for billions of years. My friend the lizard has been around millions of years. Dragon fly whispered to me one day she used to be as big as me, on an earth that existed before humans.
“Dragon fly whispered to me one day, she used to be as big as I am…”
After my mother ‘died’ she left me a sign. It was the corpse of a dragon fly laid meticulously on a small wisdom card showing hands emanating light. When I see a dragon fly, I know my mom is by my side. My mother also loved butterflies, right after she died I needed butterflies. Death is a game of hide and seek…butterfly invites me to take a peak at what could lie on the other side of death, destruction and war. The paradigm of a species that has lost it’s way in the fabric of all life. Don’t forget to rise highermy dear and be one who can imagine what is currently not yet seen on the outside. Butterfly reminds me to be an imaginal cell. “Gather yourselves,” she murmurs. Don’t bother condemning that soupy mess outside. There’s work to be done. Yes, there is and what better place to do heart work such as this than in the arms of a tree?
“…how do you discern what’s yours to do and what’s not yours to do?”
Do you ever notice the stories that can ramble through your head day or night? Or am I the only one who has the occasional monologue that comments, criticizes or fears? It, my mind, has its’ stories and sometimes those stories get mistaken for The Truth. I”m not the only one that does that because right now there are wars and inhumane acts on a grand scale happening because some folks in power have mistaken their stories for The Truth. Speaking of truth, this is a good time to develop a strong internal Bullshit detector. I’d say keep that sucker on 24/7 now. Internally and externally.
Back to what’s mine to do…in a time when there are S.O.S. calls from the earth, Gaza/West Bank, people in the United States being dehumanized, marginalized and abducted and countless other calls that others hear…how do you discern what’s yours and what’s not yours to do? I’m in that inquiry and per usual I’m sharing this blog with whoever cares to read it…to expand the inquiry. Maybe there are other inquiring heart/minds out there!
Sometimes old B.S. can stand in the way of what there is for me to do. One thing for sure, look for what brings light to my eyes and expands my heart. Not to mistake that with always feeling like showing up, that five year old version of me (you) may not always want to show up for anything other than ice cream, a puppy and a nap. At times the old B.S. (belief system) isn’t even mine. I may need to look way back in the ancestral tree to see what is driving how I be. Some of it is mine now, for sure. They inter are, this internal wiring of the human machine. Part of it is out there, and part of it is in here.
“Of course she was a writer and an artist and a healer.”
“I couldn’t possibly support myself doing what I love….just look, I’ve tried.” Now that belief may not get said out loud in the light of day, that would be embarrassing. But somewhere it’s lurking in the background. “Look at all of those times you tried and failed…save your money honey…don’t become a bag lady. Just stay practical!” My mom wanted to be a writer all of her life. Of course she was a writer and an artist and a healer. She just didn’t get published. She worked three part time jobs teaching English as a second language to people who loved and adored her. She did that so she would have time to write. Versus a full time job. It’s interesting. When I dive deeper there is a little girl standing in the corner wailing, “But I can’t do it!” Maybe she is five. That’s my little girl by the way, not my mom. But the “I can’t” probably belongs to both of our generations and who knows how many more. This is where the internal bullshit detector comes in handy.
I think it is a critical skill set to be able to call BS on your very own self. OR my very own self. I can take that little five year old wailing ‘I can’t’ by the hand and walk her over to the mirror. “We are in this together and together we can…” Be sure and smile to that little kiddo, no shaming, no blaming. She or He is just working on an old outdated program. The program that so many humanoids are running inside of that says they need to stay safe and secure. ‘So don’t try again, it’s better to be half dead,’ that program will tell you.
To come home to what’s mine to do, I’ve got to go pretty deep into the inner wiring of beliefs to see what has blocked it in the past. Not to make some kind of drama about it, just bring curiosity to it. Shine light. I can re-frame it, rename it and suddenly change it. Instead of ‘blocked’ maybe it was just not ripe yet. Maybe, just maybe it was still in gestation. We are the story tellers, the dream weavers, the healers, so how to be mindful of making stories that empower me or we?
The White Wolf is asking you to feed it stories of courage, love and beauty. It wants to feel the goodness of humanity. Then there is the news. You know the news…if it bleeds it leads. There is a lot of bleeding right now and I”m not making light of that. I’m just reminding myself to feed that little kiddo stories of love, compassion and courage. So I don’t get lost in war and dehumanization. The war outside or the war inside. There would not be war outside if there was not war inside.
Right now I would say what’s mine to do is to accept the world as it is in this moment (doesn’t mean I have to like it all). At the same time, taking an audacious stand for harmony between all species and for future generations to thrive on a planet that they hold sacred and care for. I’d say play big. No more of this do I have enough money for the water bill this month. I mean, I do have to pay the water bill. Oh dang, I have to pay the rent too…let’s not get side tracked.
I have implanted in my brain the time I was sitting on the stairs with my 23 year old house mate, Munteha. We were in a deep conversation. I was a coach in landmark education programs helping people live lives they love, she was taking landmark training and was a Portland State student in International Relations. We were talking about ways of being. Actually, role playing ways of being is more like it. “You are ignorant and I must teach you!” She scolded me with an icy glare. “Don’t you know about the Japanese internment camps?” she pressed. (I actually didn’t then even though I was older than her.) “Trish-they are bulldozing people’s homes in Palestine! Imagine, it’s your home, then it’s rubble. Where does your family go?” My friend and then housemate is Arab American. She had already experienced discrimination in school. I on the other hand was white and clueless. Okay, so this is called her….Self Righteous Indignation mode. Do we all have that one? (I do!) Like WTF is wrong with you? Munteha was also the one who inspired me to go from absolutely clueless and disinterested to a person who participated on two separate Compassionate Listening Delegations bearing witness in Israel and Palestine with both Israelis and Palestinians; listening to their heart stories. That’s 25 years ago.
“When I see that Self Righteous Indignation is creeping in, stay humble.”
Stay humble my dear. There was a time when I didn’t know and didn’t care much about Israel and Palestine and had a full life outside all of that. When I see that Self Righteous Indignation is creeping in, stay humble. Back to what is mine to do? Play with the transformation of human consciousness in ways that bring more harmony between people, animals, plants and the earth herself. The rage that comes through from Self Righteous Indignation usually is covering up pain, grief, helplessness, desperation and urgency. You could also call that love. Whether it is about climate change, or war, or you name it. These are intense times, softening my gaze and coming with an open heart takes diligence. I see the discrimination within me towards the species that has caused so much harm to so many others, including millions of children. Disheartening isn’t a strong enough word. But mulching that manure and sprinkling it on flower beds is the practice. The old program belief, “People really suck,” is not likely to make me a whole lot of friends. Not human ones, anyways.
Not going to be very effective in the transformation game if I”m coming at it from Self Righteous Indignation or People Suck mode. Bottom line we all want the same things. We want to love and be loved, we want to be happy and healthy and yes we want to be safe. By the way part of transforming consciousness is having more than just me playing this game of looking for old B.S. and being willing to let it go for something that is more life giving.
Think about snake. People have stories about snake that they are evil or the enemy but my story about snake is they know how to shed their skin all at once. It is effortless and natural because it no longer serves them. They outgrow the old skin and slide out of it. We could all learn from snake right now. Shadow work is coming back inside to see those hidden beliefs that it is time to shed. Then being willing to do do.
“Shadow work is coming back inside to see those hidden beliefs it is time to shed.”
Sieze the day/night your very own self and grab a piece of paper, a pen and go within. What are your long held…maybe even cherished beliefs that you intuitively know don’t serve you any more? Write them down. It doesn’t mandate that you let them go, but just shining a light on the old programming will shift it. Who knows, maybe you will effortlessly shed those old beliefs.
“Our guide had not yet met us, but he told us that “Maketai” means ‘thank you,’.”…
The two most important words for me to remember right now in life are, “Thank you!” Not just the polite, going through the motions ‘thank you.’ No, no, no, that won’t do at all. I am talking about that heart bursting open, how the hell did I get so lucky, “Thank You!!” Now you’re talking! ‘Thank you,’ are the first two words that Chumpi taught my small Amazon adventure women in a Whatsapp chat. Our guide had not yet met us, but he told us that “Maketai” means ‘thank you,’ in his language and we should learn it before landing in Achuar territory. That is landing in our five seat plane onto what looks like a soccer field in his homeland.
Looking back now after being state side for over two months, I am still saying, “Maketai, very much!” Sometimes you see more clearly what was astoundingly precious after some distance. Some things registered right then as in the moment magic like the tiny plane ride in. Now other things are popping up to be named for what they are…a once in a lifetime opportunity. Like the opportunity to be in a place that has no cars and no roads…no televisions and no grocery stores. No drive through fast food, no Starbucks, no people walking around head down glued to their cell phones (except at times the gringos.). Let me circle back to No Cars and No Roads. Now that makes me smile and inhale a very deep belly breath. Halleluja! There are still such places. Let us protect them.
“Some things registered right then as in the moment magic like the tiny plane ride in.”
Being unplugged from the drug of news and entertainment for 12 consecutive days has made me a hard core believer in the importance of doing an electronics fast regularly. Now that was super easy in the middle of the Amazon jungle after I told family and loved ones, “I will not be in touch until I get back.” But in the US it is a little more challenging pulling off of electronics for much time and I like so many others am too attached to my phone. But Maketai very much for inspiring me to try again to do a media/electronics fast for my own well being. I noticed that the world did not stop turning because of my being off line for a while, yet I came back refreshed in a deep way and see now with new eyes.
Imagine a village where almost everyone is off line all of the time and they are tuned into different sources of information and energy; like the earth, the sky, the sun, the moon and each other. But it doesn’t stop there; the river, the waterfalls, the rain, the animals, the birds, the insects and Grandmother tree. Early every morning everyone gathers in their family of smaller communities and has a dream sharing circle. If there was some conflict between people, they get up even earlier…like 3 am and hash it out before the dream sharing circle begins. Then after dream sharing, they joke or tell stories or share a song. How many hundreds of years have the Achuar lived like this? I’m not sure, but it was so beautiful to be able to participate with them for some of their rituals. And it took courage.
As an international group of white gringo women, the first part of being included in this ritual was getting up before 4 am. Then walking together under the stars through the forest with our guide to a local family who offered to host us. We were welcomed into their home…an open structure with no walls and a thatched roof. There were hammocks in the back and a cooking area in the far left corner. The host, an Achaur elder sat facing us, his face painted in fine black stripes and wearing a pink and blue striped skirt. He was barefoot, as most folks were, relaxed and at ease. Sitting with him made me also feel at ease.
We waited patiently together on a bench as we heard the instructions for drinking the Wayusa. Wayusa is an herbal leaf drink that is a cleansing ritual done every morning before the dream sharing. “Drink about five bowls in a row quickly or until you feel like vomiting, then go out into the forest…” Chumpi translated. The biggest draw to this trip for myself was that the Achuar are a dream culture. They are guided by their dreams as a community and individually. I was not shy or afraid of gulping down the Wayusa. But none of us really looked forward to drinking and throwing up and one gal had a particular fear of sticking her finger down her throat to induce vomiting.
The Wayusa was presented to us in oblong ceramic bowls and we all drank at different paces. I was all in. His wife came back time after time to refill my bowl. I drank quickly as they had instructed. It was still dark when we each wandered outside the house crawling around on all fours finding our right spot to barf. I put my finger down my throat and some liquid Ayusa came out. Enough came out. Since coming home, I do this once a week on my own, it is much easier now. One gal just could not bring herself to try, others threw up a tiny bit. This is the reality of stepping into a different culture…it’s foreign. The most important ingredient is willingness. This is a daily purification ritual that is part of their mornings and everyone gets up about the same time to do it. It’s been handed down one generation to the next. I trusted it and still do.
We were not staying with the local community and I understand why. It is an Eco Resort. When I had pictured this trip I had pictured sitting with a local circle inside their village and them sharing their dreams together with us. I had forgotten that “hosting us” was part of protecting their lands and their way of life, rather than us doing something like home stays. No, it’s not that. They were sharing their rituals with us and for us a ways from the rest of the tribe. After each person had shared a dream, we received some feedback or dream interpretation.
Then our host brought out a violin and played us a song. His instrument was carved out of a single piece of wood and he made it as a child. He said his father was a shaman and that he used his violin often. He had carved his own when his father was traveling. When his father returned from traveling he was angry at his son for taking his violin without asking permission. “He didn’t know that I had made my own instrument all by myself.” Once his father realized he had made an instrument just like his, he was happy and proud. I listened amazed some one could hand craft that as a kiddo or even adult from one wood chunk.
I decided to offer a song called, “When I Rise,” as a gratitude song to our host. It is a call and response song and I invited the three other gals to repeat after my lead. I sang the call and they sang the response after me. I was proud of myself for swinging out and offering a song. That is until I heard what Chumpi translated from our host. He said, “I just blew my best energy into you and you sing this sad song…” Chagrined, I felt embarrassed and thought the heavy Gaza energy had followed me. Because When I Rise, is an uplifting song, but our host didn’t know English so he just read my energy. Which apparently was not uplifting but sad. That was a potent lesson in generating singing, sing to match the energy of the song. Lesson learned.
I shall not give up! I chose another song, “Standing like a Tree” which is a kids’ song and was sure to move my energy into a higher vibe. I even led body movements that are fun and playful. He liked that one better, and the three other gals sang that with me too. I thought it was a fun success and was happy that all four of us were able to offer a gift back. By the time the songs, violin, chanting story, puking and dream sharing had ended, it was daylight. We went out like everyone else in the community to start the rest of our day together. Someone blowing a conch shell summoned us to our first meal of the day. Who knew dining in the heart of the Amazon basin could be so delightful.
“Who knew that dining in the heart of the Amazon basin could be so delightful.”
The next morning when I came out of our shared dormitory I found my other three traveling companions in hammocks chatting away. I asked about the dream sharing ritual. There was an awkward little bubble of silence before hearing from the German traveler, Stephi, that she didn’t enjoy singing at all. Not at all, at all. Here we were, the gringos, doing our own form of ‘hash it out’ in the morning to keep the harmony. I was kind of aghast. “But…,” I stammered. She interjected, “I didn’t feel like a child at that moment and I don’t enjoy singing.” Lesson number two learned. There were countless lessons on this trip to be sure. I so thought it was a win to sing together. That was just my little world. “It was a way to thank him, an offering,” I lamented. Then the others chimed in, “No, I didn’t really like it either.” Well, I didn’t like being asked to do Internal Family Systems as soon as coming into Ecuador either, my Ego murmured. (Humph!) But no, this was the time to sing, or speak…Culpa mia, Desculpa. “It’s my mistake, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” When Chumpi came to pick us up for our next adventure we had finished our own ‘work it out,’ morning ritual. Makes me laugh to look back at it all of now.
When we were taken on a hike to Grandmother tree later in the day, I was in my sweet spot. Only a few times in my life have I been with a community who truly is tapped in and respectful of other life forms. Maketai very much for that! Chumpi made sure we saw the leaf cutter ants all marching along doing their jobs carrying bright green chunks of leaf they had chewed off. “Don’t step on them!” he warned. Got it! Then we heard all about the jungle plants as we walked.
“This plant will stop you from snoring if you stick the end in your nose.”
Instead of CVS pharmacy our guides told us where everything was in the jungle. “This plant will stop you from snoring if you stick it in your nose.” “When mothers are not producing enough milk for their babies they rub these leaves on their breasts to produce more milk.” “If someone gets hurt or bitten out here you take this club and keep hitting this stump that makes a very loud echo, it is our emergency response signal for someone to come help you.” He shared other ways to live that are so much lighter footprint and in harmony with the earth. The Achuar weave a beautiful web of their community with nature. They take the role of guardians from a place of loving and honoring all life.
“This is grandmother tree, you need to be very respectful approaching her…” Looking at the pictures now of Grandmother tree I humbly realize she is many times older than my country of origin. Many times wiser too.
“I humbly realize she is many times older than my country of origin..“
After inhaling tobacco water for the first time, we were all invited to ‘take a solemn moment,’ and find our own spot to be with Grandmother tree. I found a hidden nook to melt into the base of her mammoth trunk. My jaw lax, my hands open and my head tilted back against her bark like a baby with her head resting in her mother’s arms…I basked in connection. My whole abdomen is brimming with energy right now just pulling the image up in my mind. She taught me many things in a short period of time. But in places like this there is no time. Like when I am with my tree at home, I did not want to leave her. I wanted to stay planted right next to her, my butt in the soil, my hands open, my eyes closed, deeply receiving her gifts. Everyone waited for me as they had finished their ‘solemn moment’, so I eventually pried myself away . She came home with me, on the inside. No excess luggage. Maketai very much Grandmother tree, I love you so very, very much!
Before we had gone to our individual spots, Chumpi shared with us that this spot where we were standing is where the Jaguar comes to rest, where the great Ananconda comes, and only in this kind of tree do the Harpy eagle make their nests. “This is the perfect place to come and sleep overnight. If you need help with something. To stay a few nights alone at the base of the tree.” He reminisced about a previous group where a guy asked him to come out to stay there with tree. They also had tobacco and in the evening Chumpi stayed with them overnight. He received a dream from Grandmother tree and was gifted a chant. He was instructed to sing the chant to the tree every time he came, which he shared with us earlier. These stories to me are the very heart of the trip. To see with new eyes, to feel the heart of the jungle through the heart of one raised in this jungle. To feel her power and love, the jungle is the heartbeat of earth.
The day after visiting Grandmother tree we headed up the river to find the sacred waterfall. But that will be another post for another day. These Amazon fruits are to be savored one at a time. They show up to be plucked when they are ripe enough to share. In the meantime, I am still integrating all of the magic into my being. So much to share, and so much time to share it.
In my dream time this morning there was a very thin White Wolf laying on it’s side sleeping. White Wolf to me is the power of feeding the dream that I want to weave into reality. The one that is an expression of love, gratitude, health and joy. We have the collective dream and I have my individual dream and the two dance together.
The old question, “Which wolf will you feed?” comes from the legend of two wolves fighting each other, one being white and the other darker. A little girl watching the battle asks her grandma who will win. I will speak this in terms of heavy versus lighter energy rather than good versus evil. We have enough depictions of white being the ‘only good’. One wolf representing lighter energy and the other denser energies like anger or despair were battling. The grandmother says, ‘The one you feed will win.‘
Waking up from White Wolf sleeping dream, I saw I have been very aware of Palestinian children systematically being starved in Gaza right now. Very aware of thousands of people being pushed from one end of the Gaza strip to the other all the while under bombardment. Aware that the bombs killing civilians come from the U.S. The lean white wolf who was sleeping may be Spirit reminding me to wake up and do what I know in my heart wisdom to do. Which is to continue to radiate light, see them in their safety, strength, resilience and power. And to come back home to myself. Never pity people (myself included) because it is a heavy, dis-empowering energy. Can you imagine a more beautiful reality even in the midst of this ugly one?
I come back now into my own heart. Clean house there first. It is a good place to begin feeding the White Wolf. After thanking White Wolf for visiting, I went for a walk this morning. Spider wisdom was everywhere. Spider is such a reminder to me that we are the web weavers. The threads to my web are made of my thoughts, words, feelings, and vibrations. They are as invisible as Spider Web often is invisible, but they are there. And just like Spider Web originates from the belly of the spider, my web also comes from within.
“…we are the web weavers.”
The magic today was seeing at least a hundred webs glistening in the morning dew. At first I would see just one, then as I moved closer saw it is attached by barely visible threads to so many more. Some people go to Sci Fi movies or books to see multi-dimensional reality but I go to nature. She is the greatest teacher of mystery for me.
When I approached the trees I saw a mass of webs in some of the branches that at first just looked like chaos; disorder, a mish mash of dead bugs and spider strands. Coming closer I saw it was actually a community of intermingled webs. One behind another, one beside another, all different sized webs in a multi layered web field. Infinite layers of connection and endless glistening spider strands spread out in all directions. Then a hawk silently flew out of the branches of this tree. I didn’t even know she was there, but she saw me. So many layers of life…right here, right now. Can you see them?
“…all different sized webs in a multi-layered web field.”
As my eyes perceive more deeply, a whole different universe manifests before me. White Wolf is calling me back to focus on weaving my own dream with fine light fibers like Spider weaves her web. Time for me to nourish awareness of what is beautiful in the visible and invisible realms. Discernment today in the massive collective cacophony is available by simply stepping out into nature. Quiet the mind and enter the heart. White Wolf called me back to feed her, and spider told me there are many, many countless webs happening right now at the same time. Keep weaving mine from a place of love and courage.
I am reminded by my Deer friend, to meet myself and others out in the field. The field beyond thoughts of right and wrong, thoughts of how it should be, beyond my mind. The mystery waits patiently there. In the field of infinite possibilities that are far from the rutted grooves of old habits and expectations. There was a time when a good number of humans thought the earth was flat. This belief obviously limited any desire to travel far and wide. No one wanted to fall off the edge of the earth. It could seem ridiculous to present day humans to hear that limiting belief but what are the limiting beliefs of the day that are invisible to me now?
Deer friend was being his beautiful self, feeding in the field when we surprised each other on my walk. He wasn’t looking at his Deer watch tapping his Deer hoof wondering when the world would be less of a mess. Wondering when humanoids would become enlightened en mass. No, Deer friend was being his beautiful self. Furry little antlers and all. And in the field we met, a connection of grace and ease for a few moments in time. Enough for a down load.
The field of possibilities are not on CNN. They are not even in my day planner. Where then? Me thinks you need to look for yourself with that question in heart. As I look for myself, as well. Nature is my most potent medicine. So I rely on Mother Earth to guide me in so many ways. Including teaching me about death of one form being a transition into another form. When I get caught in just seeing from separation, I suffer more. Even to remember that the earth is billions of years old and that she has held so many different civilizations over time, makes me smile. Makes me breathe a little deeper. Makes my steps a little lighter. We are just one box car in the train of humanity here for a nano second.
To envision new possibilities means taking my eyes off of the collective trance field. I have to challenge my hard wired belief that if I don’t know ‘what is going on’; I am not being a responsible citizen. Can I ask you to lift up the hood and look at your own hard wired beliefs? Which ones are serving you and which ones need to be rewired?
Right now I am getting ready to travel to Ecuador to sit with a tribe that has not forgotten that our own destinies are intertwined not only with each other, but every species is intertwined with the well being of the earth or Pachamama. The heart beat of the earth, is my heart beat. The waters of the earth, keep me and every other living thing alive. There has been some collective amnesia in Western culture about all that. But where I am going for a while, there is no amnesia and no internet.
“…I find the field of possibilities in the present moment.”
Back to Deer friend who helped me know, I find the field of possibilities in the present moment. No other moment would I have met Deer friend. Many would have walked right by him or scared him off. If I was lost in thought, I would not have seen him hidden in that tall grass. He saw me see him and that is where the magic happens. How many billions of species other than humans exist? How many invisible beings, guides, guardians and teachers who have transformed into a cloud are cheering us on? I am never alone, neither are you.
When I was a little kiddo, I was an empath. But I didn’t know that. I know I’m an empath now. I have awareness to be able to discern what is mine and what is not mine energetically. Now, I have tools to compost collective and individual dense energies. When I was a little kiddo, I did what all humans do. I made up stories in my head. You know that ever present narrator that lives in your head interpreting every little and big thing that happens to you and around you? On one particular family vacation on a cruise ship (would never do that as the big girl whose in charge now) I saw a little boy wearing what looked like girls shoes to me. In my head, I immediately made up that he was sad that his parents had made him wear girls shoes and ‘Voila!’ that story became ‘the truth.’ Then, I did what some empaths do instantaneously and unconsciously, I picked up his sadness and wore it like it was mine. Or maybe it was reverse, I picked up the sadness then made the story.
Either way, as adult me looking back on that little girl with the eyes of compassion, first I would gently challenge that story. Maybe…just maybe this little boy is from a different culture and the style of shoes they wear in that different country are different. Maybe his parents didn’t make him wear those. Maybe his shoes have nothing to do with him being sad. Here’s a big one, maybe he’s not sad. Our projections go out so fast we are not even aware of them. I was sad on that trip, I was often puking (seasick) and miserable. Maybe the boy was sad, maybe not…who knows? Only Goddess knows. The point is to pay attention to the stories I make up in my head and then label as ‘the truth.’ That little girl thinking other people are suffering so she should carry their suffering needs to be grown up with gentle loving kindness. That is automatic programming that is false based on a false belief. How many different stories can we make up about the same experience?
Suffering can be compounded by a story. Suffering can be transformed by a story. Freedom can be unleashed by a story. Choose. I am writing the story. We are writing the story together. Is it possible that Israelis and Palestinians can live in a just peace? If you go to the past, the answer would be no. If you go to the field of possibilities, all things are possible. Is it possible I thrive while writing at home, walking in nature and playing with groups of people to help us all wake up? If I look to my personal past I could say no, if I go to the field of possibilities…Hell Yeah! Is it possible that the earth is round? Uhmm, get my point?
“The field of possibility is in the here and now.”
Coming back to my breath, coming back to this step, I also come back to the present moment. The field of possibility is in the here and now. I am too.
Every Day Magic 